They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

Well whatever culture your future family is from I’m absolutely sure this level of rudeness is not standard. The only correct response to a gift is Thank you.

Sorry but your thread has outed you already, how many more couples giving their new SIL £1000 purse as a wedding gift and finding the gift is unwanted and ridiculed do you think there are?

the return date is long gone. I have no idea what the resale value would be but probably not high due to fakes etc.

We won't seem them in person again until my wedding so I doubt they will have the opportunity to rehash the joke. But I'm worried they'll regift the purse to me at my wedding as a joke and I will feel really rubbish. Really close family bought gifts to be opened on the spot at breakfast the day before and after with theirs.

I'm quite sensitive about it so I know it will upset me.

why can’t she sell it herself? i can actually see why it would be quite upsetting to receive something useless of high value when you’re a low earner and could do with the money. but she should have kept her mouth shut or just sold it on herself.

i also think it’s normal to keep the receipt in this instance.

It’s a really weird thing to spend so much money on, such a personal taste thing! I would have preferred the money too, although I’d be too British to say anything…

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly

They're insanely rude. Wouldn't bother buying the grabby cow anything ever again.
Seriously.

They are vulgar, naff, and rude.

I know the answer is obviously yes but do you really have to invite them?

At least you know not to bother putting in effort /money on presents for her in the future. She sounds very ungrateful

That's just it though, even though I agree that taste is a personal thing, even if you hate it you keep your trap shut and thank them for their gift!
then hide it in a cupboard or sell it or whatever
Nothing to do with being British, just basic manners.

Just accept it back and sell it but keep the money.

I also think it’s extremely weird to spend that much on a personal gift for a wedding but it’s done now. Next time you go to a wedding put 50 quid in a card.

The problem is though, if you gift something to someone and then later find out they have sold it on, you wouldn’t probably be quite hurt. They would never be able to get as much selling it on as returning it to the shop so if you know you don’t want it asking the buyer to return it might make sense. But it should be done in a more tactful way

You spent £1,000 that you can’t afford, on a handbag for someone you don’t know, as a wedding gift because you thought it would be really special?

I’m not at all of a mind that people should just accept ridiculous gifts with a smile, but even if I were, I’d be happy to see this one challenged. What on earth were you thinking? Of course it would have been better to give them the money, or to ask them what they wanted for their new life together, I can’t believe you are upset they are pointing this out to you. I’d have handed it back and said no thanks.

Rude and nasty.

This

It's a purse not even a bag. All that money!! Craziness.

Has she?

It was a very rude reaction however I have to agree that a handbag is an odd wedding present, the cash would have been a lot better...........obviously I wouldn't actually say that to your face though 😂

I haven't read the whole thread, but I will say although in hindsight it wasn't the best gift, I don't think you were being totally bananas.

You chose a gift to try to welcome her into the family. You chose something supposedly timeless like a good quality purse, which is a practical item as well, not like a handbag which is very much a personal taste thing.

Yes in hindsight another choice would have worked better, but you were being very kind, generous and well intentioned.

The BIL and SIL have less manners than the average 6 year old. It's ridiculously rude. Take it back, sell it and keep the money for yourself! And then for ever more, every gift they get from you is a mug or a pair of socks.

It really isn’t “basic manners” to accept something so patently ridiculous and just smile. None of this was for the couple, it was an entirely designed to have them gush about how generous OP is and bow down with gratitude. This was not a gift, it was an obligation. This wasn’t accepting a weird ornament that you only bring out when they visit.

People use “it’s basic manners” when they don’t want to be called out on their own obnoxious behaviour.

Jeez oh! Buy a cheap purse and put £1k in it. That’s the gift.

exactly. What does sticking the boot in to OP achieve?

I suppose at a stretch I can understand why a very expensive gift you know you'll never use is actually more frustrating that a cheap crap present, because you know what else you could do with the money, but there's still no excuse for SAYING that to the person who was generous enough to buy it for you. By all means moan to each other afterwards what they could have done with £1000, but then sell the purse yourself and get what you can from it, it's still going to be far more than what you started with.

The only good thing from it all is that because they have been so incredibly rude OP doesn't have to worry about hurting their feelings. I'd just retaliate in exactly the same manner 'Yes, we know, you've repeatedly made your feelings very clear, don't worry, we won't ever be spending our hard earned money on you again.' If SIL insists on getting them to sell it (not sure why) I'd do so and then only give them £100 or whatever and keep any difference.

I should add I’ve been in exactly the recipient’s situation - a close relative bought us a wedding gift from a crazily expensive brand. It was not a useful item and not to our taste at all, but I knew it would have cost a small fortune.

Fortunately I was able to have a conversation about exchanging it, which she was more than happy to do because she knew how much I appreciated the gift in the first place, and wanted us to have something we’d actually use.

Plus I genuinely love the person who gave us the gift, so the last thing I’d want to do is hurt her feelings. It’s entirely possible to resolve a situation like this without being a total and utter dickhead.

“Well intentioned”

Another excuse given to excuse poor behaviour.

But I don't think there is a culture where you tell people an obviously expensive gift was horrible is there? I mean unless the purse has embroidered fertility phalluses that might cause offense or something. But a plainish black purse from a designer brand surely can't be that offensive.

Lots about this thread is odd Op:
1.In your financial circumstances, £1,000 PLUS a handmade gift for BIL was unusually generous.
2.Spending that large amount on something for just the bride is not a customary sort of wedding gift.
3.The fact they would SAY they hated it
4.The fact they said they would prefer hard cash.
5.The fact they say they will gift it back
6.The fact you don't want it back, given you much be able to sell it for several hundred if it is unused.
7.The fact you like him so much, when he sounds awful. And she sounds worse. No wonder she is worried about not being liked ...

In short, they sound hideously rude, but your gift was rather odd.