They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

You were ridiculous to spend £1000 on a wedding present

However they are ridiculously rude. And quite frankly I would feel very differently about them now after how they've been

Really ??
you would be insulted if you were given a very expensive purse with cash in it as a gift ???

who are you odd people with such ingratitude to gifts ???

It’s an odd gift for a couple? And a lot of money for a purse or as you’re in the UK do you mean handbag? Tbh it’s still an odd thing to buy, did you like it? Saying that, they come across as rude and ungrateful but perhaps they could have put the money to better use?

The OP has clarified she meant purse/wallet not handbag.

I agree it's a strange wedding present and extremely expensive for a purse. But you were being very generous and they are being very nasty
I would accept the gift back and sell it. And not buy them anything else again.
If she didn't like it she should have accepted it gracefully anyway.

@penslas
She's an ungrateful cow
Who I think will be wearing the trousers in that marriage
If you get it back
Just resell it
As for them, one more jibe you
State you've more class in your little toe than the two of them in their ungrateful bodies
And they can fork off
Kill them with absolute avoidance in all social settings
And sod 'em at Christmas!

They bought the bloke his own gift that he apparently loved !
they’ve just taken critically to her gift -

people have said this is cultural -
I just call it rude

You would be raging because someone bought you a gift you didn’t like? Or would it be the expense? Raging seems an overreaction

How bloody rude!!

The OP, has realised that the gift for her SIL was off the mark. It's now a case of shutting the conversation down, if it gets dragged back up, for the millionth time.

For the record OP, both your BIL and SIL are very very rude, for not only telling you that your gift was terrible but to keep bringing the subject up. Even if it was the world's worst looking purse, no one with an minimal amount of decency would have said that to your face. You say 'thank you, that's kind of you', whilst mentally preparing an eBay or Vinted listing in your head!

If the subject does get brought up again prior to your wedding, or you feel it needs to be addressed say 'We are both sorry that you didn't like your present from us. We understand that we didn't get it right. However, can we please put the whole incident behind us, without the need to keep bringing the subject up?'. You don't need to be rude but you need to be firm.

Unfortunately, there is a distinct possibility that they both do regift the purse back to you OP. If this does happen, and especially in front of others, then you need to downplay the situation. You know there's possibility of it happening, so mentally prepare yourself for that. If it does my reaction would be laughter and a comment like 'Oh this reminds me, I must remember to eBay some things'.

apparently some people would be
insulted
raging

at a gift ??

how do they cope with day to day life !

Well from everything you have said about the purse, it should be an investment piece that you can keep for a bit then sell to actually make money on!

Yes, it would be rude of them but you will have for your money back and it won't have gone to waste.

I believe that in some parts of the Balkans, the best man actually announces what wedding presents have been given. (Most places just give money privately now, but I'm told that some of the more remote places still do things the old way.)

The BIL ‘has autistic traits’ according to the OP, hence his bluntness in response to the weird present, and it’s perfectly possible his now-wife also does. So many of my friends married to autistic men got diagnoses themselves in middle age. And the OP’s attitude to the whole wedding present suggests someone whose engagement with the world is also quite askew,

I think in their shoes my heart would be breaking at how much trouble and expense they’d gone to buy something so unsuitable, that was just going to be an embarrassing reminder of a well-meant misfire. When it could all have been solved by simply asking what they’d like.

I think what you did was really sweet!

Take the purse back as a wedding gift. Your friend said it was an investment piece. So perhaps it is? And you’ll be able to resell it for more? Ask for her advice. Don’t give them the money.

Whatever they say or do, remember: it’s their problem. Not yours. You were kind and thoughtful and tried. They were grabby and mean and not in the least bit gracious.

She should have just quietly sold it if she didn’t like it and said nothing to you about it except “thank you, I love it”. The teasing and complaining is extremely tacky and tactless of them.

The next time they bring it up, say, “Regift it to me. Then we’re even,” in a jokey but serious way, get your friend’s help, and maybe you’ll have made a bit more on your £1k investment.

So it's not unusual to gift something personal but how was that ever going to work when you don't know her?

If she doesn't like it she can trade it in or sell it. But that a classic black designer purse is a really safe choice

So why didn't she trade it in or sell it?

I'd hate a black purse designer or otherwise though!

I think you need to be prepared for it to be gifted back to you & maybe have a one liner ready.

This lays squarely with your partner though for not talking to his brother about it beforehand.
(Or have I missed that he did?)

If you are worried about them regifting don’t open gifts on your wedding day? We had a card box set out and one of the bridesmaids made sure gifts were popped in a room at the venue to keep them safe. Opened them when we got home.

Get the bag back and sell it. Do not invite them to your wedding. They are astonishingly rude people, and you may not be able to completely end the relationship but you can give them a very wide berth.

You were silly to spend that much on a bag for a wedding present, and even sillier to let your partner choose it!?

But that doesn’t excuse their rudeness, which is utterly unacceptable.

I think your Dh needs to speak to his brother to make it clear how uncomfortable you both are with the jokes and that they need to stop or it will damage the relationship with you . He should also make it clear it would be incredibly inappropriate for them to regift it to you. In terms of resale he can offer to send the receipt to them as proof of purchase which should help with resale.

I’m not sure I’d be insulted either, but I’d be completely thrown by being given a 1k purse with 12 quid shoved inside it from in-laws I’d never met, and my husband getting nothing other than some sort of skill thing they can do themselves so doesn’t cost them anything as a wedding gift. Everyone knows wedding gifts are a joint gift for the couple, or I thought they did.

i can’t work out which culture this is as google ai says no such culture exists, there is a small African tradition where it is done for the engagement but from the females only. and one for Islam where the husband does it,but nothing where the guests do it as wedding gifts I can find.

i suspect this isn’t cultural. And more the op made a mistake and is embarassed by it so is blaming culture. As I don’t think this is a thing anywhere,

I can’t grasp why they didn’t ask the couple. If you’re going to blow a grand surely you ask them and ensure it’s something they want, as gift giving is about the receiver not the giver.

whenever I’ve spent a lot on a gift, wedding, engagement, house, I always ask the couple concerned , and even if the answer is not what I’d chose, I go with their wishes, as the gift is about them, not me. Gifting should be selfless. So for me, money is also absolutely fine. As again it’s about what they want, not what I think they should have, and makes me feel good.

it does read like they know they’d prefer money but this gift was something they wished to do. They hadn’t even met this woman and didn’t know her tastes.

so id not be insulted but I would be side eyeing them.and the odd behaviour would play on my mind, no matter how much I tried to tell myself it was well meant, however I would never be rude, I’d gush, say thanks and then shove it in a drawer. Only to be taken out and used when I saw the giver.

the reason I was so on board with designer was I was under the impression it held its value and was an asset in a way. I know of a friend who sold a designer bag for £3k that an ex gifted her 10 years prior. So it was my mistake not doing that research. I thought if unused could easily be resold or swapped. So it didn't feel like a ridiculous gift. I also knew if she was anxious about being welcomed that knowing we went out the way to get her her first designer purse, something we believed would really excite her, would make her feel very welcomed.

Massive faux pas from you but they were rude about it and even ruder if the making fun of it has continued. They should have just quietly accepted it and sold it. We had one or two awful wedding presents, we just thanked people and sent them to the charity shop (nothing high value like this and thankfully nothing personalised).

SIL sounds extremely rude and classless, and I wouldn't be going out of my way for her again. However, she got a point in asking "what were you thinking?". When it comes to fashion, it's really risky to make a choice for someone else, especially if you don't know them or their style. So while the item has the label, the design also has to match the person's taste. And it didn't this time around, unfortunately.

I'd actually pre-empt it. Your fiance needs to tell his brother that 'culturally' how they have reacted to the gift is impolite to you and the constant mention of it is also pretty insulting...it's not how you'd expect to be treated after clearly making effort with a gift. You seem to be very understanding of how you e upset them but they need to understand how you feel. Nip this in the bud now before you get massive anxiety for your wedding.