They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

Or someone to bring 1K in cash and then flush it down the toilet in front of the whole family.
Same as buying an unwanted non refundable purse as a wedding gift.

Is the bride of east asian descent? If so, it's considered extremely rude to gift a black item, especially for a wedding. It's symbolic of death and gifts or picture frames with black borders are absolutely taboo.

I don't dislike her as a person and she has lots of lovely qualities. I also don't really know her yet. I just want a way to shut down the conversation without drama should it come up again and make sure this doesn't crop up at my wedding. I have no problem inviting them both to my wedding I really want them there.

For such a large purchase, surely you have the receipt from the shop for it. Therefore you should be able to sell it as an original as you can prove that by where you purchased it from. If your SIL has asked you to sell it for her, I'd at least try to do that. Otherwise, you have literally thrown away a huge sum of money.

We did something really similar , got an expensive hand made piece of art made. Not sure it was appreciated either. Again we prob messed up on our choice but wanted to show them we cared and get something special with thought in it. Ugh sorry it hurts , especially when you put so much money and love into it. Sorry they were rude.

So she’s just incredibly rude.

Honestly, it would be the first and last gift she ever saw from me.

We do that in Scotland - if we gift a purse or a wallet, we place a coin in it so that the purse/wallet is never empty. We say that the purse is 'hanselled'. (I've just Googled and apparently they also do that in Ireland.)

Very rude Bride is here

I'm really worried that if this happens at the wedding and they regift it that in my upset in the moment I will humiliate them by just asking them to leave or something. I'm not an angry person but I could see myself doing that, regreting it later and then theres potential fall out which I don't want.

You’ve accepted it was a mistake, if they bring it up, I would say, ‘we understand you didn’t like the gift, let’s move on now, shall we?’.

Well, stop yourself doing that then! You can control your own responses.

They are beyond rude. Next time they bring it up tell them in no uncertain terms how rude they are being and to give you the gift back to either use yourself or sell. You should have put them in their place the first time they said it.

Remember if they do that then it reflects badly on them not you. On a practical level do you need to have unwrapped gifts at your own wedding? Could things be arranged so that wouldn't be a thing?

Does your partner have a good enough relationship that he could handle explaining to the BIL?
Something like "we understand you didn't like the gift, but we put a lot of thought into it, and penslas was actually quite upset by you being so rude about it. Please don't bring it up at our wedding, it's a sore point and we don't want it brought up at all on our wedding day"

If your SIL has asked you to sell it for her, I'd at least try to do that

And reward her for such appalling rudeness? Sh'd probably claim OP "hadn't got enough for it" and expect her to make up the difference

So, how would op feel if for her wedding gift she got a card and a 1K donation to the local animal welfare charity on her behalf?

If it's a designer purse it should be quite easy to resell as some people buy them as an investment. I'd sell it and then ask them what they'd like (not money) for their home.

But you won't open the gifts while everyone is there will you? Or is this another cultural difference? That wouldn't happen at a UK wedding.

Can you head this off and say I'm sorry you didn't like it but it was bought with a lot of love, surely you won't try and deliberately hurt us that that? Etc. or hard cos it's all hearsay ?

A purse! 😂
At any price that is a crazy wedding gift, but £1000? I would be insulted to receive a purse as a wedding gift whatever it’s cost.

We always give money to family now. Usually, they have already set up a household, or are moving into a new house, and they know exactly what they like and what they already have.

We received vouchers as presents in the past, some of which were put in a drawer and rediscovered when expired. So, hard cash is now our gift. Not because we are thoughtless, but because we don’t want to lumber them with stuff they mightn’t need, or want.

However, I would never, ever, be so rude to someone who was so kind as to give me a gift. I would say thank you, and be gracious about it. Certainly if someone has (in their mind) taken the time, and given thought to the gift. Even if it wasn’t something I wanted.

You were definitely a bit off with the gift but honestly the thought behind it was actually really kind and heartfelt. You and your husband sound like lovely people.

Their reaction was awful. Especially her given she was concerned about not being liked!

Hey OP -
i can’t believe how RUDE they have been to you !!!
we have all been given gifts that we don’t like, and what do we do ? Smile and say thank you !!
If a decent well mannered person was given a gift that was clearly expensive and they did not like it, surely they would accept the gift graciously and sell it on !!

if they gift it back to you for your wedding, I’d say - wow that looks like the gift I got you !
it sounds like they will respond with ‘YES’ it is - with no shame, thinking they are hilarious !!
surely everyone who witnesses this will think
how weird !
how rude !
and if I was there I’d be thinking : pair of dickheads !!

To be fair I think thay would humiliate you more, so I’d advise you not to. It would look like you bought them the worlds oddest wedding gift and even you didn’t wish it and chucked them out as you didn’t get a better gift than you gave them.

Well you have plenty of time to have an appropriate response planned if this happens. Remember, they are going to look like the jerks if they go ahead and do this not you.

Probably a lot less energy on her part if she just said thank you and resold the purse after the fact.