They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

Ok, I'm fine with that! It was just a perspective!

ETA but it wasn't me that claimed any one way was "universal."

It was too personal a gift, full stop. For someone you didn't know, and whose taste was completely unknown, it was a huge gamble. And not really a wedding gift, as that would be something for their shared life or home. Though very generous indeed in intent, the actual choice was ill-advised. But I cannot believe anyone would be so rude as to throw it back at you verbally as she did.
YANBU to be upset about that.

Because if someone means well and has tried to do something kind, you dont throw it back in their face and take the piss out of them. That makes you a dickhead.

TBH I’d never buy that sort of thing for anyone, unless I knew very specifically what they wanted.

I’m 😱 at your spending so much on a wedding present, when you say you’re not well off. To me, £100 in a card is usually perfectly appropriate.

Their response was thoroughly ill-mannered, though.

That said the sentiment and effort was amazing, and even if you got it wrong the attitude is disgraceful.

This, Op.

And for all that we all think it was not a gift we would have chosen, you do deserve recognition for the sentiment and effort, which was lovely.

I was thinking all through that "how rude of them, I would never act like that", then remembered when ex-H and I were on our financial beam end, him being out of work for ages and we had a new baby, it was our wedding anniversary and we were hoping for some vouchers/money/ something practical.

His sister bought us 2 blue pots. Very pretty, but useless to us.

To say I was bemused was an understatement (especially as our lounge was lilac and pinks - very 80's 😁)

Of course we were very polite and thankful as she didnt have to buy anything, but after she left we looked at each other like "what the actual...?"

He got them in the divorce

Anyway, after that memory... I can understand their bemusement, but to show it to you was extremely rude.

Obviously they were really rude but I have to say that I view even inexpensive presents that I never asked for and don't want as a form of abuse, let alone wildly expensive ones, when the money they cost would have come in useful. I am currently wrestling with a home-made 'gift' that I didn't ask for and absolutely hate, but which is intended for display. I can't bin it or give it away because it's from a friend who visits. I'm angry with friend and don't want to be!

No wedding list and no ask for money

So no point in anyone claiming they asked you to do such-and-such and you ignored it

Depending on where they're from I guess it may be gifting money is usually a given, but that's no excuse for utter rudeness to you, and I can help thinking what would happen if anyone on here dared to tell someone from another culture "what was expected of them"

But it's a dickhead move to spend so much on so little. It feels like you're being taunted.

You could have something really useful, eg £1k could have bought them a fridge freezer and a washing machine.

But no, here's something small, pointless and not very nice that I'm going to expect you to be gushingly grateful for.

But surely that doesn't make it ok to behave the way they are? They should just have said thank you. They're actually mocking the OP.

Well, because the OP sounds as if the usual norms for wedding presents have totally escaped her and her husband, so pointing out what an odd choice of wedding present this was will at least, you'd hope, prevent her from shelling out vast sums they can't afford on another weird, inappropriate wedding present another time.

I really want to see the ‘ugly’ purse

I don't get why so many people dislike wedding lists. So long as it's not all expensive I appreciate not having to try and work out what people want.

Can it be ‘accidentally’ broken? 🤔

No of course they don't, what a strange thing to say. I do use my phone for contactless but I have physical copies of all my cards in my purse as well as my driving licence, plus coins and notes .

They are being very rude.

I’d be furious if someone spend 1k on a hideous black purse for me.

I'd rather a £12 purse with £1k inside it 😂

Surely you would be able to get a refund or at the least a credit note in the circs?

They are an ungrateful pair but why a purse and a purse costing 1000 quid?
Why not money?

I can understand why they would be upset - I've also had expensive gifts that I've thought 'what on earth were they thinking?' - and it is awful as it seems like such a massive waste of money.

As the recipient, it can also make you feel sort of unseen, as if the person who's bought it doesn't know you at all. For example, I've been bought expensive sparkly designer jewellery and I just do not ever wear anything like it, so I felt like the person who bought it for me just hadn't actually noticed anything about who I am (she wears and likes stuff like this, so I think she assumes everyone does).

I acted very pleased and politely thanked her for it, but realistically I couldn't sell it or get rid of it (not worth much second hand and she might notice I no longer have it) - so it just sits in my bedroom, unworn. When I see it I can't help but think 'Oh I could have bought something so lovely for myself if I'd had the money instead, or if they'd just asked what I wanted'.

Despite all of this, they shouldn't have responded to you as they did. It's not OK to be so rude to someone who has put thought and time into buying a gift for you. They could have either just politely accepted, or found a way to let you know more sensitively that it wasn't ideal.

house MD had said something along the lines of "there's no better way to show people you don't know them than giving them gifts".
Ironically accurate, let alone where paired with an expensive price tag.

You are right to feel offended op but so is the couple.

@penslas i knew you'd say it was a different culture

But have you made an assumption? Like you were just looking at the culture and not thinking about what they might want.

It doesn't excuse their rudeness

Honestly, I think you might need somebody more senior in the family to explain to them why they're being rude and horrible and I'm actually surprised that no one has done that already.

Don't worry, I totally know what you mean about it. It's normal to give these kind of gift wedding time with some culture

I can't believe she's so rude to want the money from the sale! How can they not realise how awful they are being!

But unfortunately the sentiment and effort was really misguided. It’s inappropriate to gift that amount when you’re not well off, not even thinking about the actual gift. A decent effort would have been saying to the BIL and SIL - look we’d love to give you something you can use or value, we want to spend this amount, what would be useful to you? But I think the OP knows this, has put loads of effort in but it was misdirected.

How rude. I hope you were clear with her each time, so if she bleats to other people that you don't bother with her, at least the people nearby know why. My FIL gifts me obviously used things, including out of date food, but I'd never have been rude or done anything but say thank you.
OP, while I do agree that it's awkward to spend a lot of money on one particular gift (we all have different tastes and needs) they were incredibly rude, but don't let them upset you. Point out it's their fault if they didn't have a registry, and you did your best so rudeness isn't ok.

@penslas are they very well off in their country?

I'm guessing that they're very well off and quite spoiled in their country I know exactly what type they are, I reckon