No room for sister's partner at our 20 person wedding

[tentatives]

we have a small wedding venue. It's a private house with accommodation for 20 people.

We are having 20 guests.

The problem we/re having is partners. Some poeple are married, others engaged, others dating for 7 months, some living, and some we haven't met.

While some partners we want there others we are inviting out of politeness.

When we sent out save the dates the criteria was either married, together 5 years, engaged, or living together. All the invites were all named so the 20 know theyre invited.

When we found the venue before we got engaged our guest list was 20.

4 months later we got engaged and booked it and DP sister had been dating a man casually for 4 months. We sent out save the dates he wasn't included.

But now it's 1 year later and we're sending out invites. But theres no room for an extra guest.

DP sister is very upset. What do we do?

Doesn’t seem like there’s a lot you can do.

Not much you can do if the venue is limited to 20 guests. If it is really causing problems, can you find another venue?

You can tell her you are really sorry and invite her and her partner for a special dinner around the time of the wedding. Or you can change the venue and have more guests. Of just give up and elope - weddings seem to cause more and more stress and upset rather than being joyful celebrations.

Not inviting partners is really bad form.

But what can you do now? You either find a way to fit him in or accept you messed up and apologise.

There must be a way of squeezing another person in. Like what if you got pregnant in the interim? is it just the ceremony venue or the meal part?

I doubt anyone is going to do a headcount on the day are they? Is there any child that could sit on a lap?

Could you ask him and one or two other partners that are not immediate family to go to the bar and meet you all for the meal afterwards?

There is no way I would leave them out .

Tell her he can come if someone dies? 🤷‍♀️

What do you mean by accommodation? They'd be sharing a bed surely. Or do you mean fire regs say no more than 20? Very different things.

Is the 20 guest limit based on a sit-down meal? If so, could you change it to be a buffet style one, so you might be able to squeeze an extra guest in?

... or is the number of 20 based on the venue's insurance, perhaps?

I think unless it’s a whole group of people (like work mates) and you do a blanket no partner ban so that they’re all essentially there as a group together, it’s such poor form to invite some peoples partners and not others.

She’s not some random guest she’s the grooms sister. It’s not fair that the rest of her family get to be with their partners and she had to be the gooseberry.

Can he come to the venue but not stay the night if it's accommodation that's the issue? Out of interest, where will DP's sister be sleeping?

TBH it was always a huge risk not to have some wiggle room for changes of circumstance. Right from the start then you booked it there was always the possibility he'd become a permanent fixture or did you hope they'd split before the big day?

I think with partners it has to be an all or nothing approach. Obviously it's your wedding and you can invite whoever you like but cherry picking people's partners is only ever going to lead to bad feelings.

Having said that, @Coralsunset suggestion did make me laugh.

just fit him in. No-one is going to do a headcount

He will have to stay at a hotel nearby.

He’ll squeeze in.

Are you saying that some of the bedrooms are single beds?

No room where: room of wedding, meal or hotel?

Sorry but you and your DP are the architect of this. Surely you would have included a plus 1 for their sister as you knew by the time of your wedding she would in all likelihood have passed “partner invite test”. In your situation I would have assumed she would have a plus 1 and I can understand why she is upset.

the meal is sit down, 20 chairs at the ceremony, 20 tables in the meal hall. There are 10 double bedrooms. We know the owners so got a great deal and wouldn't want to risk my relationship with them.

They make it clear on their website max 20 people.

But if ten double bedrooms is the sis sharing with another singleton?

Well who is /your sister sharing a bedroom/bed with under your current plans?

to be honest because we got a great deal on this venue so we really wanted it. I have been to weddings where my DP hasn't been invited before.

I do feel very bad as I'm sure hes a nice man and I wouldn't mind having him there. I have anxiety and would feel to anxious to not tell the hosts if we tried to sneak him in. It wouldn't feel right.

DP sister is early twenties. Theres only one other sibling coming and they're married. There other partners are friends.

The double bedrooms can be made into twin. My friend is single and DP sister and her both agreed to share ages ago.

So she'd share a bed with him and you ask the owners if they can cater for one extra chair at the ceremony and meal. I don't see how that would risk any relationship - in fact the fact you know them means that what is on the website is probably more open to negotiation! Sounds like you just don't want to do it...

I would ask the venue of one more person can attend ceremony/meal. Then treat your sister and partner to a hotel stay nearby. Very poor not to invite him. This sort of thing breeds resentment and is not easily forgotten