No room for sister's partner at our 20 person wedding

[tentatives]

we have a small wedding venue. It's a private house with accommodation for 20 people.

We are having 20 guests.

The problem we/re having is partners. Some poeple are married, others engaged, others dating for 7 months, some living, and some we haven't met.

While some partners we want there others we are inviting out of politeness.

When we sent out save the dates the criteria was either married, together 5 years, engaged, or living together. All the invites were all named so the 20 know theyre invited.

When we found the venue before we got engaged our guest list was 20.

4 months later we got engaged and booked it and DP sister had been dating a man casually for 4 months. We sent out save the dates he wasn't included.

But now it's 1 year later and we're sending out invites. But theres no room for an extra guest.

DP sister is very upset. What do we do?

I don’t think it’s that big a deal if he can’t come, given SIL understood all along that was likely

I also don’t understand why you don’t just ask the venue owners directly if there is any way to squeeze him in - at least for meal and ceremony. They can always say no it’s not possible? Why is it not ok to ask??

Sorry didnt read the thread. She said not to invite him. You didnt. Its on her then. not your fault.

You're in the situation you're in, whatever you might have or should have done in hindsight. You don't want to switch venues, the venue owners don't want to accommodate 21 rather than 20 people, and I don't think you can un-invite any of the other guests just because your sister has changed her mind. The only fair thing is for your fiancé's sister's partner, your fiancé's sister, your fiancé, and you to draw lots to decide who doesn't attend.

Do you want your SIL for the rest of your lives to remember how you made her share a room with a stranger on your wedding day just because you had a set of weird rules and wouldn’t ask the hotel if they had flex on the 20 people?

The solution is that you find your SIL and her boyfriend a local hotel room. Then you ask nicely if there can be 21 at dinner and in the wedding room. This doesn’t seem like a big deal?

She already agreed when the invites went out. She agreed to share a room.

She can absolutely ask if it’s possible for him to attend, but given that it isn’t, you just say, as agreed he’s not invited. If anyone cancels he can come.

How can the OP and her DP do that then? What would you suggest they do? We're all ears.

It sounds like a really strange set up, the whole thing.
I know people who have had very small, family-only weddings. But this isn’t that - the numbers are small but there’s a combination of family and quite random people.

I think SIL partner needs to come, and accommodating him at the ceremony and meal should be fine.

The room is the issue. SIL & partner may need to stay elsewhere.

If the venue say no what does that look like?

You think they should… what, cancel their wedding to find a venue that can cater to one extra person even though at the time they booked SIL said not to worry about inviting her boyfriend?

This is your wedding. It’s about you celebrating with friends and family

Frankly, you seem more concerned about your relationship with the venue than you do with a close family member feeling properly included.

Things change and if you hire out a venue as a business, you expect that and try to be accommodating.

My approach would be, we are going to be 21. Bedrooms not an issue but we will need to squeeze an extra chair in.

Seriously OP - this is a normal adjustment and you are prioritising the wrong relationship.

I can't believe a venue wouldn't allow one extra person for dinner, surely they have some spare.chairs and can squeeze one extra person in at a table. If accommodation is an issue they could book somewhere else.
Are you the same person who posted this a few weeks ago. If so you said then you could fit this person in but you didn't want to.

Ask the venue. I cannot possibly see why an extra chair would be an issue.

I think if she said not to invite him and she’d agreed to share room with someone else - then she can’t expect you to magic up a space. I’m sure he’ll get over it. Go for a meal or something.

Then just remind her of this! There's literally no room for him, I'm sure they'll survive a day apart.

Sorry OP no help to you, but it's such a shame when the venue for a wedding takes priority over the people. Most would be far less stressful if people started with who they wanted to invite, added a margin of extra people who they might want to include nearer the time, then found a venue to fit their people and budget.

Why not? The SIL isn’t bothered about being seen as someone that explicitly agreed with her partner not being invited, then threw a tantrum about it later on.

Ask if he can come later on if not in ceremony room?

SIL is really rude to be making a fuss now.
Tell your partner to sort it out with her.
Do not ask the venue friend whom has had an opportunity to offer but didn't.
You will be embarrassing yourself.

SIL knew the score, she committed to sharing a room already, she said not to invite him. Why can’t she cope for one day and night without him? Is he weirdly controlling of where she goes? Seems very odd that 2 grown ups can’t spend time apart.

She said not to invite him originally so tough.

It is incredibly rude, because it’s all arranged and sil has agreed to all the arrangements. I would be furious actually. It’s not her day, she needs to stop making your wedding about her and her latest squeeze.

No, he isn’t invited
No, he can’t be offered a ‘chair’
No you are not giving up your dream venue
No, you don’t intend to listen to her childish tantrums.

He probably won’t even last long enough to attend. If by some chance he does, then he can wish you well and buy you a drink afterwards!

Surely the venue owners you are friends with can squeeze in an extra person/chair, it’s not a huge ask.
You could at least ask if it’s possible and explain the situation. If they say no, then it’s out of your hands, if they say yes. Advise SIL to get a near by Airbnb for herself and partner. Everyone is happy. If she doesn’t want to get the Airbnb then it’s remains as a 20 guest wedding. But in the event this does become her long term person, it’s better to have at least tried to work something out.

What tantrum? OP said SIL is upset, that’s all. I think that’s understandable. And OP was silly not to expect circumstances might change in the course of a year.

Wow. That’s vicious.

😂 I can’t believe the contortions some are expecting! It’s OP’s wedding day, she doesn’t need to change everything or anything. It’s all agreed, and I’d be so unimpressed with sil’s behaviour.

Remind them what happened and why no invite is available..