No room for sister's partner at our 20 person wedding

[tentatives]

we have a small wedding venue. It's a private house with accommodation for 20 people.

We are having 20 guests.

The problem we/re having is partners. Some poeple are married, others engaged, others dating for 7 months, some living, and some we haven't met.

While some partners we want there others we are inviting out of politeness.

When we sent out save the dates the criteria was either married, together 5 years, engaged, or living together. All the invites were all named so the 20 know theyre invited.

When we found the venue before we got engaged our guest list was 20.

4 months later we got engaged and booked it and DP sister had been dating a man casually for 4 months. We sent out save the dates he wasn't included.

But now it's 1 year later and we're sending out invites. But theres no room for an extra guest.

DP sister is very upset. What do we do?

i do think arranging everything as you have without a margin for a slight change isn’t the best, but…. Your SIL needs to accept that’s the way it is, and it’s not that a man she’s dating casually isn’t welcome, it’s just he wasn’t around when it was organised.

I think you should ask the venue directly and unequivocally for some flexibility. That way you know either way. Not doing so is poor form given its DPs sister. It’s always risky not including plus ones in wedding invites, and going for a venue with inflexible numbers. A lot can change in a year.

If the venue is max 20 people then I'm assuming you're having 18 guests, not 20 as stated? Otherwise how do you and the groom fit in to the numbers?

If the place is limited to twenty people, the venue is only insured for twenty people. The sister sounds very insecure about being apart from her very new boyfriend for a few hours is going to impact on their relationship

She agreed. Thats the arrangement Id go with.
Weddings are expensive. I dont understand why people feel so entitled about expecting so and so will be invited etc. And why such drama about spending 1 or possibly 2 days not in the presence of a partner.
When and if she gets married...... she'll realise the issues!

Surely a partner of nearly a year a half is not new.

I find it odd so many are saying she said he didn't need to come over a year ago and therefore he shouldn't attend. What would the OP have done if she'd asked him to attend back then it sounds like she wouldn't have made room for him regardless.

i agree. If there was room for spares there wouldn’t be a strict advertised limit.

Oh your SIL already agreed and knew. She’s sharing a twin with a friend
so no of course he cannot come in that case.

Hmmm I am sure this one has been raised before. Do not leave your sister in law feeling her relationship is not counted, make her partner an invited person out of respect for her, her relationship and yours going forward. There is no way on this planet one extra seat cannot be accommodated. I always feel on these threads and there have been MANY where the sister in law specifically is not allowed her plus one and I always feel its a slight to the sister in law above anything else.

Tbh your ‘rules’ of who comes are weird

married. Engaged. Together 5yr or living together

so tech most people bar a new couple

didn’t it cross your mind that sister was with someone and in a years time so almost 18mths together - what happens if now live together together or engaged ?

it can’t be that hard to squeeze another chair round a table

so it’s 9 couples and sister and friend

you have to actually ask the venue to add on one more

or he comes. Sees wedding - standing up - goes for a maccy d 😉 and back for the party/dancing after the meal

He’ll be sharing a room with her so no additional accommodation needed? Failing that they can stay in a nearby hotel?

This is ridiculous. I don’t blame her for being upset. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of
a more inflexible wedding arrangement.

SIL can hardly complain when she knew and endorsed the plan a year ago. Invite them for a special dinner close to the wedding date. Let them know that if anyone cancels he is a shoo-in (not to stay in the hotel presumably as there is the issue of sharing rooms) but to the ceremony etc., assuming he is happy to be on stand by. They honestly should both completely understand the logistics and why this happened and should not make you feel bad, even though of course it's not ideal.

10 double bedrooms - so what if you have any singles? Do they need to bunk up together?

I think all you can do is explain that there is no flexibility on the numbers, so whilst the partner is obviously first reserve if anyone is ill and can't make it, you can hardly uninvite someone else. I like the idea of taking them out for a nice meal sometime close to the wedding.

I had good friends who didn't really have room to invite my DH (who they didn't yet really know), the capacity of the tiny village church being the biggest problem. However the church had an old hand-pumped organ, so in the end he was fitted in on condition that he pumped the organ. (The groom was later our best man!)

Stop stressing about it. It’s done. He probably won’t care. Just arrange to go for a nice meal with them afterwards.

Your exact numbers & especially being low being planned so far in advance of the wedding makes it awkward. I would not imvite partners of friends over partners of siblings.

Can they not stay somewhere else the night of the wedding & an extra seat added to the wedding meal for him?

It’s an impossible situation- she knew the score. She can do an evening without her partner. I bet he will go to an event without her at some point. For goodness sake people are always going off to hens and stags without the partner!

Let the guests know that you would appreciate knowing if anyone is going to have to drop out. Tell the sis that he’s first on the list and don’t give it a moment’s thought.

She agreed to this already.
Does she actually live with him now so he "passes" the criteria? Do you know him well?

Yet again - what does your soon-to-be husband think? It's his sister. I think his opinion matters more than yours in this circumstance but you've not once mentioned him - and you're marrying him!

Can you ask if venue can squeeze one more in?

It was really rude of you to put judgements on other people’s relationships like that.

Either accept that your behaviour is hurtful to people and deal with the consequences of that, or find another venue where you can accommodate everyone without causing offence to your guests. Registry offices usually have spaces where you can invite more than 20 people and then find a pub/restaurant that will accommodate a wedding party.

Not really. Invitations go out. People start new relationships. Venues have number limits.

So who the heck is your sister expected to share a bedroom with?

Your SIL needs to get over it. It’s one day! Have the wedding you want!