wedding dress argument

[pinae]

My in-laws are quite wealthy. They have been very generous with us, but far more with DP siblings because DP constantly turns down their generosity.

They have given us a lot financially in a lump sum for a flat. Now he rejects everything from them. Meanwhile his siblings accept. I don't get involved or offer my opinion but I do sometimes feel that our lives will be so much easier if he accepted. He is just an honourable man.

DP and I are not well off. We are both trying hard to save. We live in a high cost of living area. We run a business that makes decent revenue but poor profit.

Our wedding is coming up early next year and I have been stressed about my dress. I have had an eye on one for years that I knew was too expensive and was looking for a second hand one but it hasn't come up.

DP knows about this but not the specific design as it's a surprise.

I went shopping last week to try on the dress at a store, with secret plans to buy it second hand if it fit. My future MIL came along. I was so taken back by the dress I cried. it was just perfect. Beyond what I had imagined. it is an unusual dress and I couldn't really imagine loving anything else as much. MIL told me her and FIL would love to pay for it. She was beaming. I was so grateful I cried. We met FIL after and I thanked him and he was so happy.

I told DP they had offered that evening and I was on cloud 9 for four days. Looking at pictures. I had never felt so pretty.

But then yesterday I received a message from MIL saying that DP has said he would pay for the dress and to let her know if she should order and ask the money from DP or if I would be ordering.

I was like a deflated balloon. DP told me that he had intervened and declined the gift. He didn't realise I had accepted it and wouldn't have agreed to that. He said that we can pay for the dress if I really want it. The dress is thousands and while we have savings it would take up a huge portion. We're saving for maternity leave as were cash poor and run our own business. From the beginning I knew I would feel sick to my stomach paying that much for a dress due to our financial situation. I knew it wasn't an option, I couldnt enjoy the dress feeling its taking away from my future baby, I couldn't feel good in that dress. So when it was offered as a gift it felt entirely different. I was so excited.

The way I see it is that it wasn't his call to reject the gift. The gift was for me. DP feels I'm being grabby and ungrateful as his parents are generous and I'm taking advantage.

I never asked, they offered. Now I am so upset. He is trying to come up with a compromise where they pay partly but all that magical experience I had has gone completely.

would love an external opinion on this

I mean you took mil and cried knowing she'd offer and knowing your fiancé wouldn't like that.

It's a dress. Is it worth all this angst and potential fallout? They're his parents not yours, it's not your money tree to harvest.

So your dh is going to control any gifts to you or your future dc from his parents.

You tried on the dress knowing you couldn’t afford it and knowing your fiancé didn’t want to take more money from his family.

Before you get married you and dp need to agree how ils money will or will not figure in your marriage...
For example paying for a cot/top of the range pram/isa for the dc...
Or ils will be a bone of contention...
Which isn't a good start.

This. It kind of feels that you had an agenda with this when you took your mil with you.

How many 'thousands' is the dress?

It was always the plan to try it on first before I bought it second hand, in case I didn't like the fit. If one came up second hand I needed to swoop in immediately.

I didn't take my MIL with any agenda. She heard I was going and asked to come. She told me she wanted to come to buy me the dress before I tried it on. I told DP this before I went to the shop. He didn't say anything. So I assumed he was fine with it as it wasn't anything to do with him. He assumed that I wouldn't accept. I went to the shop trying it on knowing MIL was going to pay.

Pick a dress you can afford.

Well of course you write a lovely letter thanking them for the offer and saying on second thoughts you’d rather go with something you can afford yourself. Then go and buy a dress you can afford and start living within your means. Your fiancé is right.

*I didn't take my MIL with any agenda....

I went to the shop trying it on knowing MIL was going to pay.*

Lol.

@Decacaffeinatednow you didnt read it properly. It was agreed in advance. She had offered, and I told DP and he didn't say anything. So we both went there knowing she was going to pay.

I'm sorry but I just don't believe you took your mil to the shop with no agenda. Your dp obviously doesn't either. It is a dress; you need to get over it if you can't afford it/ don't want to pay for it.

You are not painting yourself in the best light if I am honest with you.

if I were him I’d be asking myself if this was my future.

I prefer to pay my own way and be independent of my parents.
But my spouse is getting around that by suggesting/accepting gifts from my parents.

so I’d always be in their debt or needing to pay for things I can’t afford.

Pick a fiance who doesn't overrule your decisions.

Can we also just talk about the ethics of going to a shop who have paid rent/business rates and invested in stock in the hope of making a profit selling it, and you have no intention of buying it from them, you just wanted to decide whether to buy it secondhand? That’s really not on. It wastes the time they could spend on paying customers. Most wedding shops are small businesses. Imagine if someone treated your business like that.

And if your business isn’t profitable and you’re in a high COL area you need to get a job or move somewhere cheaper. Or both. But if you’re old enough to get married you’re old enough to pay your own way in life. Don’t bring a child into this irresponsible financial situation.

And if you are marrying your DH you should be on the same page as him about gifts from PILs. That’s his boundary based on what he knows from his life so far. This whole situation sounds like something from a romance novel, it’s so silly.

I think people here are being very harsh with you. And yes, I agree that your PiL -to-be are trying to be generous and give a personal gift to you. That’s a lovely thing to do, and must reassure you that they are glad you are joining their family and welcome you in.

I do understand that your DP is proud, and doesn’t want to accept money from them but how does he feel about them buying you birthday or Christmas gifts? Is he awkward about how much they spend?

It is also very relevant that they are generous with DPs siblings - many parents would want to try and treat their children equally.

But it is important that you do not disrespect DPs wishes… must try and find a compromise and you will need to discuss with him things like, will he happy to let them buy items for any future children, etc?
Who is paying for the rest of your wedding?

Bottom line is you do need to be on same page as your DP, but can you and MiL together try to gently persuade him that the dress is not for HIM, but a personal gift for you?

It is commendable that you want to save for the future and not spend your joint money on a dress without feeling guilty, but I do think there’s no harm accepting their kindness if they can easily afford it.

As it is obviously a very luxury item, could you sell it on afterwards?

It’s a dress you will wear for a few hours on one day. Give your head a wobble. This isn’t about fairytale stuff. Life is about what you can afford especially I you are already talking about maternity leave.

Not on this occasion. She's trying to scrounge thousands of pounds from her fiancés parents that her fiancé is uncomfortable accepting (quite possibly for good reason). She knews her DF's stance on this and tried to override him, and he absolutely gets to decide if or not he wants them to accept money from his parents.

OP planned to get a cheaper (second hand) dress, and that's what she should do.

Op hadn’t planned to buy the expensive dress, but would find a similar one second hand if she liked it. It was very generous of the in-laws to offer to purchase it.

The worry for me is that dp is controlling your finances. It wasn’t his gift to decline. I think he’s overstepped the mark. Does he normally make decisions on your behalf?

I know this won’t be what you want to think about now but could you take on a second job to pay for the dress? Is it really worth both of you working in the business if it doesn’t make much profit?

Like previous posters I’m also a bit sceptical about you trying on the expensive dress and crying while your rich MIL happened to be with you!

If your partner assumes you would decline the offer then you have clearly had conversations about it where he has made clear he doesn’t want his parents paying for things.

You shouldn’t have invited his mum wedding dress shopping if that was the case.

If my DH started accepting gifts from my parents of thousands of pounds without talking to me about it first I would be furious with him. You know your DH wants to be financially independent, but you still accepted the gift without discussing it. You say that he knew, but you didn’t actually talk to him about it.

I firmly believe that if you want to generously gift money to your children whilst they are alive and see the benefit of it you should rather than wait for an inheritance which may not even come.

Even Dave Ramsey talks about paying it down. The time that most people need a financial boost is when they are buying a house and having young children who cost a fortune in maternity leave reduced pay, childcare and the constant sizing up of clothes.

His siblings are benefiting from their parents generosity, your fiance is not. I would be wanting to know why he doesn't want to take their money, deep down, why?