wedding dress argument

[pinae]

My in-laws are quite wealthy. They have been very generous with us, but far more with DP siblings because DP constantly turns down their generosity.

They have given us a lot financially in a lump sum for a flat. Now he rejects everything from them. Meanwhile his siblings accept. I don't get involved or offer my opinion but I do sometimes feel that our lives will be so much easier if he accepted. He is just an honourable man.

DP and I are not well off. We are both trying hard to save. We live in a high cost of living area. We run a business that makes decent revenue but poor profit.

Our wedding is coming up early next year and I have been stressed about my dress. I have had an eye on one for years that I knew was too expensive and was looking for a second hand one but it hasn't come up.

DP knows about this but not the specific design as it's a surprise.

I went shopping last week to try on the dress at a store, with secret plans to buy it second hand if it fit. My future MIL came along. I was so taken back by the dress I cried. it was just perfect. Beyond what I had imagined. it is an unusual dress and I couldn't really imagine loving anything else as much. MIL told me her and FIL would love to pay for it. She was beaming. I was so grateful I cried. We met FIL after and I thanked him and he was so happy.

I told DP they had offered that evening and I was on cloud 9 for four days. Looking at pictures. I had never felt so pretty.

But then yesterday I received a message from MIL saying that DP has said he would pay for the dress and to let her know if she should order and ask the money from DP or if I would be ordering.

I was like a deflated balloon. DP told me that he had intervened and declined the gift. He didn't realise I had accepted it and wouldn't have agreed to that. He said that we can pay for the dress if I really want it. The dress is thousands and while we have savings it would take up a huge portion. We're saving for maternity leave as were cash poor and run our own business. From the beginning I knew I would feel sick to my stomach paying that much for a dress due to our financial situation. I knew it wasn't an option, I couldnt enjoy the dress feeling its taking away from my future baby, I couldn't feel good in that dress. So when it was offered as a gift it felt entirely different. I was so excited.

The way I see it is that it wasn't his call to reject the gift. The gift was for me. DP feels I'm being grabby and ungrateful as his parents are generous and I'm taking advantage.

I never asked, they offered. Now I am so upset. He is trying to come up with a compromise where they pay partly but all that magical experience I had has gone completely.

would love an external opinion on this

Her parents-in-law are nothing to her? Contrary to what we read endlessly on MN, many of us do very much love our in-laws - and they love us.

No wonder we see so many MIL/DIL mutual hatred threads if people are going in with the automatic attitude that our new in-laws are the enemy (at worst) or a complete irrelevance in our lives (at best).

Him ringing his Mum and saying no after the event was probably incredibly hurtful

Indeed - both for OP and for his DM.

If we're honest, most men who are getting married aren't really that bothered about the particular dress - although the decent ones care about their bride getting what she loves wherever possible.

There's no equivalent; you just don't get men dreaming about and planning their own wedding suit for sometimes years in advance.

And yes, it's true that she's only going to wear it for one day (although they'll have the photos for the rest of their lives); but the same is true of all of it except the official parts: you're spending all of that money on food and drink, decorations, flowers, everything... 'just for one day'. Why should the day you get married be viewed as any more special than some random Tuesday at work, eh?

This was a special, highly meaningful moment shared between two women who love each other... but this man felt the need to piss on both of their chips, just to spoil that and make it all about him.

Oh, the big man tripe again!

It's a marriage, they're his parents, OP accepting gifts from them obviously affects him.

Wouldn't make a smidge of a difference if if it was a same sex couple.

If it was a same sex couple then I would also say the female partner was out of order.

As has already been said, the gift is to the OP from the MIL, not him. He doesn't get to control that - and he's already taken gifts from them when it suited him. Neither the OP nor his mum need his permission.

either you were going knowing MIL was paying or you were trying it on check the fit before buying it second hand - you need to decide which before posting

Hi op I think your dp is doing his best not to fleece his parents he is obviously grateful for the house deposit why don’t you accept that they have done enough for you already. Yes you want the dress so you pay for it or get another one if the parents were not wealthy what dress would you choose then? You would accept the gift but wouldn’t pay that amount of money yourself so technically you are taking advantage of the parents. So what they’re like 2nd parents to you there not they are your dps. You have to respect the boundaries. They might give you a load of cash as a wedding present so you can replace the savings but yabu.

A business with reasonable revenue but little profit is not a great business. Is there a chance of profitable growth in future. If not, could one or both of you get a paying job? It might take a lot of financial pressure off of you both.