wedding dress argument

[pinae]

My in-laws are quite wealthy. They have been very generous with us, but far more with DP siblings because DP constantly turns down their generosity.

They have given us a lot financially in a lump sum for a flat. Now he rejects everything from them. Meanwhile his siblings accept. I don't get involved or offer my opinion but I do sometimes feel that our lives will be so much easier if he accepted. He is just an honourable man.

DP and I are not well off. We are both trying hard to save. We live in a high cost of living area. We run a business that makes decent revenue but poor profit.

Our wedding is coming up early next year and I have been stressed about my dress. I have had an eye on one for years that I knew was too expensive and was looking for a second hand one but it hasn't come up.

DP knows about this but not the specific design as it's a surprise.

I went shopping last week to try on the dress at a store, with secret plans to buy it second hand if it fit. My future MIL came along. I was so taken back by the dress I cried. it was just perfect. Beyond what I had imagined. it is an unusual dress and I couldn't really imagine loving anything else as much. MIL told me her and FIL would love to pay for it. She was beaming. I was so grateful I cried. We met FIL after and I thanked him and he was so happy.

I told DP they had offered that evening and I was on cloud 9 for four days. Looking at pictures. I had never felt so pretty.

But then yesterday I received a message from MIL saying that DP has said he would pay for the dress and to let her know if she should order and ask the money from DP or if I would be ordering.

I was like a deflated balloon. DP told me that he had intervened and declined the gift. He didn't realise I had accepted it and wouldn't have agreed to that. He said that we can pay for the dress if I really want it. The dress is thousands and while we have savings it would take up a huge portion. We're saving for maternity leave as were cash poor and run our own business. From the beginning I knew I would feel sick to my stomach paying that much for a dress due to our financial situation. I knew it wasn't an option, I couldnt enjoy the dress feeling its taking away from my future baby, I couldn't feel good in that dress. So when it was offered as a gift it felt entirely different. I was so excited.

The way I see it is that it wasn't his call to reject the gift. The gift was for me. DP feels I'm being grabby and ungrateful as his parents are generous and I'm taking advantage.

I never asked, they offered. Now I am so upset. He is trying to come up with a compromise where they pay partly but all that magical experience I had has gone completely.

would love an external opinion on this

Exactly! It will all go to the tax man otherwise. Let your wife wear the dress she wants ffs!

Or £10billion on dodgy PPE scams.

@GardenCovent I understand I missed the timeline in my post.

I booked to try on the dress intending to buy second hand.

DP told mil casually over dinner one day.

The day before the viewing, MIL told me that she and FIL wanted to buy me the dress first hand and she wanted to come to the trial. I was so grateful and excited. I told DP the same day. He was distracted at the time but heard and didn't say anything. He doesn't like accepting money from his parents because they worked hard to get it. They are wealthy and there are no strings attached, but he doesn't feel we earned it. I know he's turned down multiple gifts.

I assumed that since this was my gift, he wasn't giving his opinion because it wasn't anything to do with him. So I took his silence to mean he was keeping out of it. He thought that I was informing him of there offer but I declined it. I have declined many gifts from them in the past because I didn't particularly want expensive clothing and jewellery that were offered and felt the pressure from DP. But this gift I really wanted to accept.

DP does allow his parents to pay for the odd holiday and electronic gifts he likes but he turns down all gifts since we were gifted deposit money which was a large lump sum.

If my mum offered to buy him a suit I wouldn't feel I got to veto it. So I didn't feel he go to either.

Of all the things I wanted for the wedding, this dress was the number one. I tend to buy second hand and from charity shops so really wanted to feel amazing for one day. if they had offered to pay for flowers or photographer I wouldn't mind declining but I really wanted this dress and I wasn't having luck second hand.

Id just buy a dress yoh can afford. This one is ruined for you now. You won't feel the same about it new or second hand. You and DP neex to be on the same page regarding his family money. He should have told you before the dress shopping that he wasn't comfortable with them paying. You need to talk, talk , talk before you marry. Actually I think you'd benift from relationship councelling before the marriage.

Except it wasn't "behind his back", though.

He knew his mum was going.
He knew she'd offered to buy the dress before they went shopping.
He chose not to say anything at that point.

And then HE went behind the OP's back, and rejected a gift for her, without discussion.

You make it sound like the parents are on deaths door!
I’m sure they’ll have paid out plenty more 1000s by then.

We're net tax payers - we're paying plenty. Plus I've worked for the NHS for 30-plus years. I'm sure the in laws also pay their share too.

Now, if you want to talk about the billions wasted by Govts go ahead.

Precisely this.

For "honourable man" I'm reading "controlling "

Don’t presume to know why he’s saying no to money. Many family gifts come with strings attached, it could be pride, it could be protecting his mental health and only way he can have a good relationship with his parents is to say no.

This is literally irrelevant unless you are the in laws since I wasn't taking about your inheritance tax.

Paying inheritance tax is not a bad thing, that's all I'm saying. It benefits society if it doesn't buy one person a nice dress because they don't want to accept it. Difficult to see the downside of that.

Well the OP has said he's happily accepted holidays, and electronics, and funds for a flat so it appears whatever his reason is, it is selective.

The new cleared up timeline does make you seem less of a spoiled brat OP. But I'm with those who say you need to talk, talk, talk about money before you get married.

@pinae- you need a different dress.

The dress isn’t this important. But a better conversation needs to be had, another thought is your have separated gifts for you from gifts for him in your mind, what about when it’s gifts for grandchildren?

You two need to talk it though carefully and honestly. If you can’t agree not to accept large gifts from his parents then you shouldn’t marry him, because you’ll either feel resentful about what you are missing out on or he’ll be annoyed you are accepting valuable items from his parents when he doesn’t want to.

You need to be in agreement or your marriage is going to be an expensive mistake, far more than this dress!

I prefer to be independent too, but sometimes parents want to be generous. It is perfectly normal for parents to make a contribution to the wedding. It is the couple’s job to accept that contribution with grace.

If your fiance has a good reason to reject his parent’s money in all circumstances, he needs to share it with you. Otherwise, he is being ridiculous.

And being net tax payers also benefits society. There's nothing wrong with giving your family money when you have it - I'd much rather they enjoy what we have than scrimping and being worried about money just so we can hand more of it over to the Govt to waste after we're dead.

But we digress. Back to the OP.

I think it's probably quite pertinent what 'quite wealthy' means. If they have £30,000 in savings, I can see how accepting a tenth of it for a wedding dress might seem grabby. If, however, they're sitting on several millions, I don't see why you wouldn't graciously accept that - assuming no red flags from them and/or previous/knowledge of them being controlling and giving with strings.

I know that, if I were in my later years (presuming retired here?), sitting on far more money than I could ever want to use myself for the rest of my life, I would love to spend my money on what would bring me great pleasure... and one of those things would be in bringing happiness to and easing a financial burden on my adult children, their spouses (to be) and, in time, my grandchildren.

I think it's also being overlooked here that it isn't 'just' another wedding expense on the shopping list - and indeed one that could be bought for far less money - but I'd also see it as highly symbolic: for a special personal present from a MIL to her DIL-to-be as she lovingly welcomes her into the family, rather than resenting her for 'stealing' her precious manbaby DS.

There are so many stories on here of MILs & DILs who utterly despise each other, and also of extremely rich elderly parents who hoard their millions whilst happily watching their children and their families struggle and go without... yet we get what appears to be the exact opposite on this thread, and people are still bitterly complaining about it.

Wow are you always so nasty?

She’s about to marry the guy, I think it’s highly likely she would know if there was something more sinister going on.
It sounds like pride to me. He’s within his rights of course, but I would be frustrated when the help is there and they want to give it.

I didn't read the whole thread but a few of the first people are being very harsh. If you are not wealthy why turn down money that is offered by family who are? My parents helped us a lot when they were able. My Mum paid for my wedding dress, my in-laws paid for the wedding breakfast, we paid for everything else. It was a joint effort, but we have never been in position to turn down gifts of money or offers to pay for things. If you in-laws want to pay for your dream dress i would let them and your partner can wind his neck in, its not his decision.

MIL & FIL have plenty of money but they are nothing to you! I still think this is incredibly grabby.

MIL knew her son’s feelings on this and still went his back! You should be on his side OP!
This is not about the money at all, there’s something else going on.

Bottom line is it’s his parents so he gets to decide. You are making excuses to justify the dress but in your heart you know this.

@Whoops75 my in laws have been second parents to me for 6 years. I adore them.

You are overstepping OP

Dress it up whatever way you like but the money matters to you more than you’re admitting!

There might be some weird background to him not accepting but for parents to contribute to their children’s weddings in various ways is not unusual in itself

With the updated time line your fiancé definitely should have said something at the time rather than wait until afterwards and now ruin something so special

Him ringing his Mum and saying no after the event was probably incredibly hurtful

More background would help - how much less/more has he been gifted previously than other siblings?
Is the dress cost a tiny or significant part of their wealth?

I get he may have a reason for boundaries but he needs a full and frank discussion with you on exactly what and why before you continue with this marriage

If it’s about control I’d be uncomfortable with that

I've read all OP's update, and to me it feels really manipulative and that you're undermining your DP in his choices. Am surprised by many of the responses, here.
It's all a little faux naive that you just assumed he'd be okay with your PIL paying thousands for something you'll wear for a few hours.
If having a different standard of living to your in-laws (your DP's siblings etc) matters that much to you - have an honest conversation with your DP. This is a bigger issue than a dress.