wedding dress argument

[pinae]

My in-laws are quite wealthy. They have been very generous with us, but far more with DP siblings because DP constantly turns down their generosity.

They have given us a lot financially in a lump sum for a flat. Now he rejects everything from them. Meanwhile his siblings accept. I don't get involved or offer my opinion but I do sometimes feel that our lives will be so much easier if he accepted. He is just an honourable man.

DP and I are not well off. We are both trying hard to save. We live in a high cost of living area. We run a business that makes decent revenue but poor profit.

Our wedding is coming up early next year and I have been stressed about my dress. I have had an eye on one for years that I knew was too expensive and was looking for a second hand one but it hasn't come up.

DP knows about this but not the specific design as it's a surprise.

I went shopping last week to try on the dress at a store, with secret plans to buy it second hand if it fit. My future MIL came along. I was so taken back by the dress I cried. it was just perfect. Beyond what I had imagined. it is an unusual dress and I couldn't really imagine loving anything else as much. MIL told me her and FIL would love to pay for it. She was beaming. I was so grateful I cried. We met FIL after and I thanked him and he was so happy.

I told DP they had offered that evening and I was on cloud 9 for four days. Looking at pictures. I had never felt so pretty.

But then yesterday I received a message from MIL saying that DP has said he would pay for the dress and to let her know if she should order and ask the money from DP or if I would be ordering.

I was like a deflated balloon. DP told me that he had intervened and declined the gift. He didn't realise I had accepted it and wouldn't have agreed to that. He said that we can pay for the dress if I really want it. The dress is thousands and while we have savings it would take up a huge portion. We're saving for maternity leave as were cash poor and run our own business. From the beginning I knew I would feel sick to my stomach paying that much for a dress due to our financial situation. I knew it wasn't an option, I couldnt enjoy the dress feeling its taking away from my future baby, I couldn't feel good in that dress. So when it was offered as a gift it felt entirely different. I was so excited.

The way I see it is that it wasn't his call to reject the gift. The gift was for me. DP feels I'm being grabby and ungrateful as his parents are generous and I'm taking advantage.

I never asked, they offered. Now I am so upset. He is trying to come up with a compromise where they pay partly but all that magical experience I had has gone completely.

would love an external opinion on this

The op still hasn't said how much her dp's parents gave them for their flat...

100%
He's entitled to his boundaries, and OP is wilful disregarding them. I'd be calling the marriage off if I was him.

This is thousands of pounds, not a Starbucks. He’s made it clear the relationship with the parents is not accepting money, for whatever reason, he will have them, angling for a gift for thousands of pounds is unacceptable in this context/

No, it's a gift that his MIL is choosing to make to her future DIL. Neither of them need permission from a man to do so - it's not the 1950s.

I would be very wary of this OP - he has no right to tell either of you what you can do here.

She’s going to have a very short marriage if one at all if she tramples all over his boundaries like this with pound signs in her eyes.

For heaven's sake!
What is it with pp on MN today?

Yeah he can say they don’t take from his parents, like she can say the same about hers if he goes and tries to get cash out them when she’s asked him not to.

@SirChenjins
Why are you so convinced the op is right? There must be something going on with her dp and his parents if he is rejecting their money (despite having taken a wodge of cash from them to buy a flat).

It doesn't matter how much it costs - her MIL is free to spend whatever she feels she is able to according to her financial situation. The OP is free to accept - it is not his dress.

My MIL is dead.

And no, but my DH was happy to accept the small financial help she gave us. If he wasn't, would I accept a thousands-of-pounds dress? No. I wouldn't. It's not about permission it's about being a team.

Maybe ime dh knows his dps better than you..maybe their financial help comes with strings and he is aware of that. Maybe you aren't just yet

I’d also consider ending it. If I told my husband on no uncertain terms did I wish us to take money from my parents and he came home and said went car shopping with uour dad got him to buy me a car I really want but can’t afford,mid be fucking furious.

there will be a reason he is declining it, it will be relationship related since the deposit, and the op will know exactly why he doesn’t wish this.

@AnonymityAnonymity
Maybe he asserting a 'boundary' (that word beloved of mumsnetters). Maybe he has such a poor relationship with his parents that he doesn't want them involved in any aspect of his wedding. And yet his fiancee sees the opportunity to trample over his boundaries and take the money his mother is offering.

And he’s free to not marry someone who doesn’t respect his boundaries.

The in-laws are clearly very well off and wanted to make a gift to their DIL to be.

Whether or not you think it's ridiculous to spend a lot of money on one dress is neither here nor there. It was a gift from them to her, not to their son and it wasn't his place to decline it on her behalf.

Your text in brackets nails it. He does not get to dictate whether his future wife accepts a gift from his MIL (who is obviously happy to
make it) or whether his mum can make the offer. Unless, as I said, tgere is a massive backstory- which there doesn't appear to be.

Yes - that is relevant. Was it thousands, 10s of thousands, hundreds of thousands...and what has changed since that money was given.

Clearly this has divided the crowd,

group one, fuck your fiance and his wishes , get yer hand out and get the dress; I’m sure he won’t be utterly appalled as he sees you walk down the aisle in it.

group 2, a marriage comes with accepting each others boundaries, this is his you should never have manipulated this to get a dress. Don’t you want him to think you look lovely on your wedding day, or do you want him to be looking at you thinking the dress you’re wearing is the symbol of your lack of respect for his boundaries with his own parents.

So that is why all your posts are so unnecessarily unpleasant to the OP?

So much angst over a dress (and people wonder why I never want to marry).

That’s different to what your op says. You were only going to try it on to then buy it 2nd hand.
I agree with other posters and if I was your partner I’d be very wary of marrying you, it does sound like you are grabby

The post was fair.

who the fuck wants to walk up the aisle in a dress your fiancés parents bought against his wishes, for thousands of pounds, showing clearly you don’t respect the boundary you set with your own parents.

Absolutely - although he seems happy to bend his boundaries when it suits him.

You don’t know what’s happened since the deposit. Clearly something has. The fact the op hasn’t articulated it, likely as it will put her in the wrong, doesn’t mean it hasn’t changed.

he is entitled to set boundaries with his own parents and the op needs to stop eyeing their cash up.

Well actually this post at least gave an argument. Their previous posts on this thread have all - and there are quite a few - just been unpleasant digs at the OP.