wedding dress argument

[pinae]

My in-laws are quite wealthy. They have been very generous with us, but far more with DP siblings because DP constantly turns down their generosity.

They have given us a lot financially in a lump sum for a flat. Now he rejects everything from them. Meanwhile his siblings accept. I don't get involved or offer my opinion but I do sometimes feel that our lives will be so much easier if he accepted. He is just an honourable man.

DP and I are not well off. We are both trying hard to save. We live in a high cost of living area. We run a business that makes decent revenue but poor profit.

Our wedding is coming up early next year and I have been stressed about my dress. I have had an eye on one for years that I knew was too expensive and was looking for a second hand one but it hasn't come up.

DP knows about this but not the specific design as it's a surprise.

I went shopping last week to try on the dress at a store, with secret plans to buy it second hand if it fit. My future MIL came along. I was so taken back by the dress I cried. it was just perfect. Beyond what I had imagined. it is an unusual dress and I couldn't really imagine loving anything else as much. MIL told me her and FIL would love to pay for it. She was beaming. I was so grateful I cried. We met FIL after and I thanked him and he was so happy.

I told DP they had offered that evening and I was on cloud 9 for four days. Looking at pictures. I had never felt so pretty.

But then yesterday I received a message from MIL saying that DP has said he would pay for the dress and to let her know if she should order and ask the money from DP or if I would be ordering.

I was like a deflated balloon. DP told me that he had intervened and declined the gift. He didn't realise I had accepted it and wouldn't have agreed to that. He said that we can pay for the dress if I really want it. The dress is thousands and while we have savings it would take up a huge portion. We're saving for maternity leave as were cash poor and run our own business. From the beginning I knew I would feel sick to my stomach paying that much for a dress due to our financial situation. I knew it wasn't an option, I couldnt enjoy the dress feeling its taking away from my future baby, I couldn't feel good in that dress. So when it was offered as a gift it felt entirely different. I was so excited.

The way I see it is that it wasn't his call to reject the gift. The gift was for me. DP feels I'm being grabby and ungrateful as his parents are generous and I'm taking advantage.

I never asked, they offered. Now I am so upset. He is trying to come up with a compromise where they pay partly but all that magical experience I had has gone completely.

would love an external opinion on this

Cos he’s smart enough to know you dont spend thousands on a dress!

You’re fixating on the wrong issue. It’s just a dress that you wear for one day.

Forget about that for now and focus on whether you can agree with your fiancé on how monies will be accrued and spent in your future marriage.

If you’re not on the same page now, and one of you is forever compromising to their detriment, your relationship won’t last very long.

I’m going to go against your DP here

Why does he have to be so ungrateful and miserable? It’s bloody rude of him to keep rejecting their offers, especially when they are equally generous to all their children

If they have money, they might want to spend it now giving joy to their kids and partners during their lifetime and seeing that, rather that ending up with a massive inheritance tax

I certainly know a few people doing this, who would be gutted if one of their kids refused and made the other siblings feel bad

What kind of things do they gift his siblings? Is it very different to what they are offering you and him?

Also he overstepped - it wasn’t his gift to decline. Seems his parents are nicer that him

But her DP has said he will pay for that exact dress.

Personally I spent £250 for a custom made dress for me but then I didn't have anyone offering to pay for a dress either.

This ⬆️ and

“She told me she wanted to come to buy me the dress before I tried it on. I told DP this before I went to the shop. He didn't say anything. So I assumed he was fine with it as it wasn't anything to do with him. He assumed that I wouldn't accept”

There is a clear miscommunication between you and DP… but were you intentionally not paying attention as he seems to have been clear about his boundaries?

As my post above, I’m clearly in the minority here to think it’s ok for you to accept their kindness dress as a gift - BUT I do want to stress that you can only accept it with DPs blessing. You must not undermine him.

Key thing here is to understand why he won’t accept anything more from them (apart from your property). Are they controlling? Is it just pride? And will that extend to turning down future inheritance etc?
It certainly does seem a shame to refuse help when you are struggling financially and meanwhile his parents are supporting his siblings, but ultimately it is his final decision if you cannot agree.

We all need to live within our means… and it is only a dress. At least you now know that you love it when a 2nd-hand one comes up… and there is still lots of time.

Well he would if he doesn’t want them to pay. Doesn’t mean he will buy it

Also - I do think some posters here are simply jealous because they didn’t have a ‘wedding dress fairy’ offering to pay for their dream gown.
It’s all very well to stick to principles about not spending a lot when you have to buy it yourself, much harder to refuse something you have your heart set on

I hope you can work it out

@MrWaldonsLeg
He did. His parents according to @pinae They have given us a lot financially in a lump sum for a flat.

What a load of nonsense from some of you. One of my DC is getting married next year and if their partner's mum wasn't already paying for the dress I might decide to because I think she's a wonderful young woman and I love her dearly - as a grown adult with my own income I can bloody well spend it on what I want to. Who the hell cares if the OP hoped her MIL might pay - families happily pay for different parts of the wedding, it's hardly unusual.

I'd be annoyed at my DP for overruling her OP, and as his mum I'd also be annoyed for telling me how I can and can't spend my money.

OP: Now he rejects everything from them.

So why accept knowing full well he doesn't want the money from his parents.

How much did his parents give you for the flat @pinae ?

I would leave a partner who would gladly let my parents pay THOUSANDS for a dress I’d wear for a few hours.

You’ve lost sight of the price AND value of things because you’re blinded by someone else’s money, and you’re pouting because this has been pointed out to you and overruled by someone who is going to be far more affected by the decision than you would ever be.

I’d also leave a partner who couldn’t live within her means. YABsooooU.

Why can’t your own parents pay? Why are you eyeing up something you can’t afford? Where is your self-respect? Why don’t think the son, your fiancé, should change his relationship with his parents (financial independence except for a home) just because you want money for a dress?

This. Something is going on. Ask him to explain. Or ask them.

Because he's not wearing the dress and because his mum and fiancee are adults who can make their own decisions without the Big Man telling them otherwise.

Honestly I think you should respect your partner’s strong view re spending his parents money. It’s a dress and it sounds like you can’t really afford it. It might seem enormously important right now but in the future you will likely regret all this angst about the wedding dress. Let him buy it for you if you want it that badly.

But there is none second hand, you already said this, you went with the intention of getting a new one and having your mil pay, even though you know full well your husband doesn’t wish his parents paying for stuff. He’s made his position clear, it’s not your place to over rule this and take. And it’s not a small sum it’s thousands.

im sorry but I think you’re in the wrong.

It's his mum's decision what she spends her money on - not his. She doesn't need his permission to buy her daughter in law's wedding dress.

YABU and very manipulative!

If I was your dh I would reconsider marrying you. He has boundaries with his family (probably hard earned) and you trampled all over them for a dress!

Nonsense.

Does your mum in law have to ask your DH/P for permission before she spends money on you?

I think this is right.

I also think that the financial relationship between a Mil and Dil has everything to do with the son/h. If you accept the wedding dress gift it is like he is accepting it and he has said he doesn't want to do that.

A different gift would be different, maybe. But to claim a wedding dress as unconnected to the relationship between the couple is nonsense. It's not controlling of what the OP does it's controlling what HE does himself.

So where is the line? What if the Op wants a new car? New bathroom? Kit out a nursery? Bigger house?

Does your MIL have to ask your DP/DH's permission before she buys you something?

I’m a bit torn.

part of me thinks he’s BU because they offered and clearly like to pay. Plus it’s your dress. Agenda or not - they seemed happy like you.

other part of me thinks that you’d have known partner would be upset and maybe you shouldn’t have even tried on such an expensive dress. If you’re that strapped for cash should have chosen a cheaper one. I know you wanted second hand - but then you took MIL so it’s a bit muddled I think.

im sorry you won’t have that dress. Maybe see if you can find a similar one and save for the future.

Absolutely - it's a gift freely given from one adult to another. No-one else's business, (unless there is some massive backstory)

It’s his parents, he doesn’t want them to take their money, he gets to make this decision as she would if it was her parents. She didn’t even discuss it. She went there to get the thousands of pounds dress on their bill knowing his wishes.

if it was her parents she gets to make the decision. He doesn’t get to go to them with his hand out, and spending thousands of someone else’s money for a few hours isn’t ok.