Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

It’s developmentally completely normal to reverse letters at this age. Glue ear is so common in children in Reception too. I think children are put under too much pressure to learn phonics in nursery and start handwriting in Reception - this leads to cognitive overload. I started teaching in the early 1990s when Reception was mainly about playing and developing early motor skills. Expectations are too high now, some children can’t cope.

@greenyellowleaf my DC was “lively” in Reception and several of my friends queried ADHD. I’d done all the right things, no screen time, early reading, etc. I wasn’t worried, just at the end of my tether sometimes saw it as normal child development and turned out to be right. I probably did tell DC I was embarrassed a few times, too. Try not to worry too much.

The OP is concerned about her child's development and you decided that this was the ideal response over reassurance. Aren't you lovely?

Consistency with reading and finding books with things that interest him will be key. I help with reading at school and the ones that read regularly do the best they all learn at different levels and will suddenly have a massive leap then plateau for a bit. I found learning whatever phonics system the school use helped me with my oldest who started out reluctantly.

When you say you were hot and bothered at the party the kids probably were too so their behaviour ends up reflecting that too. And some days they are angels and others little demons you can never guarantee it. To help mine I have to make sure they slept enough and had enough snacks. I would try a reward chart for good behaviour and see if you can use it to encourage the behaviours you want. It’s nearly the end of term too so the kids are all tired and getting feral!

I can see why you are upset but please be reassured - what kids are like at this age can be very different to how they are in a few years. My husband was apparently quite naughty (even kicking the caretaker) and wrote illegibly for his first few years of schooling then he settled down to a life of top grades and perfect behaviour. It's a weird age, they are going through a lot and there is a huge range of ability in each skill within any classroom.
If you're worried, you can ask the school or internet for some activities to do with him during the holidays (tracing, using scissors, colouring in, etc) to improve academic skills. The behaviour side is a lot harder but hopefully he will grow out of it if given consistency and clear boundaries. The school might split the boys into separate classes next year if they feel it would be helpful or their new teacher might be better able to handle them.

It's very early to start worrying about their reading etc so please try not to compare with other kids. My DD was 'behind' in reception as a lot of kids were at nurseries where they were pushed to read, write etc. By year 2 she had overtaken most of them and has just qualified as a doctor so their reading and writing in reception is not necessarily an indication of academic ability. The behaviour is something you and the school will need to work on together consistently. A lot of young boys are very lively at that age and can seem very unruly but most of them turn out well in the end.

Is he your first child? Parenting is hard. He will grow out of this stage and then go into another one, different, but equally frustrating. That is just the way it is. We raised 5 sons. I was so laser focused on everything my first did that I drove myself bonkers with worry. Be consistent. Make clear what you expect from him. I'm confident this will pass.

Sounds like your pretty negative about your kid…poor lad probably needs some positivity rather than feeling like he’s crap at everything.

@LightSwimmer My DD1 was born in 1992. She didn’t play all the time in YR and certainly was ready to read. DD2 also. I get that dc who aren’t ready cannot be forced but it’s not true to say all dc were playing 30 years ago, they were not. My DD did some phonics at nursery but no reading but was reading incredibly well at the end of YR and that was after a January start as she is late August born. Had she been able to start in September, she would have read sooner.

One thing that’s a constant is naughty boys who cannot settle. I’ve seen it where I was a governor and a couple were like this in DDs school. I do think all DC should have a chance to read and write if they are ready though but both my DDs strongly disliked noisy play with boys and I don’t see why their learning, or any other child’s, should be disrupted because we normalize unsatisfactory behaviour. It’s detrimental to everyone.

We can’t just write off all boys though?! It’s widely acknowledged that boys and girls develop differently and learn differently at a young age. Clearly, we should expect boys (and girls) to learn to behave appropriately in a school setting. However, if you didn’t want your daughters to be around boys, they could have gone to a single sex school?

Hello I am wondering if he still has low impulse control so goes from 0-100? Is the problem that he gets physical with other children or adults or just generally a bit more lively and loud? Is he able to talk about his emotions? Can he name them eg I am feeling sad/angry? There is a lot you can work on depending what the issues are. If you want to message me I am happy to help. It is not your fault by the way and scbool should be putting things in place to support him.

Even in the 70s when I was at school we did reading every day in Reception, but there wasn’t the emphasis on phonics there is now. Children were allowed to develop at different rates. There were also boisterous boys and girls. We can’t label children “naughty” at age five. They’re entitled to an education too.

@LightSwimmer We do know who’s naughty though. My 4 year old worked if out and didn’t want to be around them! Pretty sensible at 4. I suspect teachers don’t label dc as naughty because before long dc will be Sen with a huge label around their neck - so we love to label dc! Being naughty is better than sen for life in my view. I’m not saying this dc won’t be educated and maybe he should play but the idea all dc catch up is for the birds. Anyone working in a school knows there are lower achievers.

So many teachers lauded phonics. MN had some very noisy phonics gurus! I disagreed with them and I still do. Phonics worked well for part of the reading diet but my DDs would have been bored to death by it. I like a varied reading diet and dc thrived with that.

Ultimately though no one likes disruptive dc and it’s better for op to try and work with the school and ask for dcs to be separated. Hopefully the teachers agree. It’s also ok to be cross about how dc behave. We all have moments when they let us down and my dc understood that I wasn’t happy about what happened. Children do need to be told when behaviour is not acceptable or they might be not invited to anything in the future.

There will always be higher and lower achievers, that’s the bell curve. Not all children will catch up, but it’s not fixed at age five and not based on handwriting or letter reversals.

Of course it’s OK to be cross and exasperated by behaviour on occasion; we’re only human, and very few children are always perfectly behaved. School will have a behaviour policy and I’m sure OP would have asked for support earlier in the year if a serious problem had been identified. Unless I’ve missed something?

DS1 could read fluently when started school, but his behaviour was ‘behind’. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 8 and is medicated. He’s now perfectly behaved and coming top in his assessments at secondary school.

You would have told me at the time that he was just ‘naughty’ and needed to learn how to behave. He actually had a neurodevelopmental disorder and needed medical assistance.

Just to flag to those talking about poor behaviour in class, the OP has clarified that her DS behaves well in class; it is at social times that the issues arise.

So it doesn't sound as tho his behaviour is preventing others from learning. Unless I have misread.

@clary Read the first post. Her DS and other child are definitely the “problem” DC in YR. She says they wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. It’s very clear it’s in school and the boys should be separated. The class party was another issue.

I keep hoping this thread will fade into obscurity 😂

He isn’t a problem in the classroom, @MeetMeOnTheCorner , he has got into some bother at social times though.

I have read the whole thread thanks.
Op says:
He’s OK in the classroom, mostly, it’s social times it all falls apart a bit.

and

Ds is fine at extra curricular and he’s generally fine at school in lessons. It’s the social times really

It’s not OK to describe a child of five as "naughty". Their behaviour might be poor but they themselves are not naughty any more than another child is nice.

ETA sorry @greenyellowleaf has also replied while I was composing my post!

No worries. In fairness I’ve tried to explain a few times I’m under an enormous amount of stress and strain, am exhausted and was very hot and generally out of sorts Saturday. So my initial post came over much more negatively than I ordinarily am.

You did say “he and the other boy are definitely the problem children in reception”. It’s in your op @greenyellowleaf and lots of posters offered advice based on that. You also named reception in the title of your op and you said your friends were “made up with reports” (from school?) and you were “upset”. How did I misinterpret what you wrote? I’m very confused. If he’s now perfect in school, well done you. Have a great summer holiday.

I’m sure I did and I’m sure I’ve also muttered that I’m going to kill my brother or throttle the cat. People used hyperbole when upset. I am not on trial at the stand and I shouldn’t have my words pulled out and fired back at me four days later.

Is DS a ‘problem child’? I’d say yes and no. He’s certainly had two ‘big’ incidents. One he was on the periphery of and one he wasn’t. He attacked the other boy unprovoked as reported to me (though I suspect there was some unkindness building up for several days / weeks beforehand, not that this makes it acceptable.) That was appalling and I made it clear to him it was appalling. But there hasn’t been anything else reported to me. There have been a handful of ‘smaller’ incidents; time outs for being too boisterous or not listening. They are all at lunch and not in the classroom, though.

@greenyellowleaf It’s difficult to respond if you write things that you now don’t stand by!

Tbf @MeetMeOnTheCorner as I read the OP it was as much about academic (for want of a better word) progress in reception which was not what she hoped, along with a party that had just happened where he had behaved poorly.

She clarified the situation in later posts – even if all you do is read the OP's posts you will see that. There is a family situation which is causing stress to all and she admits she posted when upset and overwrought.

People have offered suggestions as to what she might do to support her son. I don't think the OP thinks he is perfect in school at all, but like a lot of us, and a lot of our DC, she and her son are trying to find their way in a new situation (school). It sounds to me as tho there may be some barrier to learning, not from the OP's work with him, but perhaps from the situation at home, or from something like hearing issues, or possibly something that is harder to diagnose until later in life.