DP has a new female friend he has everything in common with

[Peanutbuttttter]

And I have no intention of saying anything, that's never been an issue in our 3 year relationship, but I feel insecure. It's a woman he's met recently, who I think is a couple of years younger than me (I'm 36)

Me and him do have things in common but he has 2 hobbies I'm not very interested in, equally I have a couple of hobbies he doesn't fancy doing. However we still show an interest and ask about them etc. Just not things we'd do ourselves.
A record store/café type place opened recently and this woman works there. They hit it off and have agreed to do one of their hobbies together (with a few other people) he did invite me and he has never done anything untoward.
Just what makes me feel insecure is that they literally have every single thing in common, those hobbies he does, she does them too, both very into piercings and tattoos, i am but not to the extent they are. Both share the same music taste whereas mine and his has some similarities but differs a little.
We're getting married in a year so surely he wouldn't throw all that away? I found her social media (i know) and she was engaged to a woman previously, so may be gay, but she may be bisexual, it's no guarantee, I don't even know if she's single.
I just worry he might realise he has far more in common with her and she's also his type physically, plus seemingly younger than 36.

Again I've no intention of saying anything and there's nothing I can do, just got to deal with it. I've just heard stories where people were happy or so they thought, then just met that person who made them think otherwise and left for them (someone did this to me in my 20s). Advice on feeling more confident?

I think you’re in your own head about this and projecting onto this girl what you think your DP will find attractive and feel for her. You’re not inside his head and heart, OP 🙂

The fact is, in the absence of evidence/the script/that gut feeling we all know you’ve just got to trust him. You have no control over what anyone else does when you’re not there, so there’s no point torturing yourself about something you can’t control. Your instinct will likely tell you if there is ever anything to worry about, but otherwise I suggest you just try to enjoy your relationship and focus on how great you are together and the things connecting you. I agree with PP who say you should talk to him too.

If you allow yourself to fall further into this trap of rumination, it will negatively impact your currently good relationship and become a self-fulfilling prophecy where it begins to fall apart. It’s good that you’ve reached out - your feelings matter, but don’t let them rule you.

Try to relax, do something nice for yourself this evening 💖

So why don’t you trust him to behave the same?

Yeah idgaf if my husband thought I was jealous. I’d not be ok with this 😆
Mine is v into cycling and cycles with other men or big groups of both genders, but only spends 1:1 with his close male friends. Same as I don’t spend time alone with men.

Not for me.

Most recent ex (short relationship) had a female friend. I didn’t like it from the beginning but never showed it as he seemed lovely.

Invited me to a party to meet his friends. Said friend was there. She was lovely to my face, then I received a random message off her long term partner the following day to inform me she had shagged my ex at the party shortly after I left! X did admit it but only because I was going to find out from the friends partner.

They were both older than me aswell as being obese and unattractive. They did have a lot in common though- same careers, both had MH problems, gamers.

Thankfully it was a short relationship but never again will I be in such a relationship.

I used to have male friends when I was younger and a student. Apart from the gay ones, every other tried it on with me at a point or another , especially when alcohol was involved.

Precisely women who are friends with men even if they’re gay are enjoying the attention knowing that at some point they’re gonna get pounced on
And they get to either go, oh no, I’m gay
Or have a go
There’s no losers there is there for the old ego

Whether she is gay or not should not be the issue. It’s really unhealthy for OP to have worked herself into this state over a new friendship, and whether the woman is or is not in theory a potential partner for her man is beside the point.

If she’s straight, OP will continue to spiral and probably sabotage her relationship. If she’s gay, she’ll be in a state about his colleague, his cousin, or the postwoman before long.

What's the point of being in a relationship at all if you assume it's all going to go wrong?
That's so passive.

It's better to have your expectations of how you will be treated and if those expectations are breached act accordingly.

Lesbians are absolutely not living in hope that men will ‘pounce on them’, whether they are friends or not. I can’t imagine very many straight women are either.

Another sweet summer child

I've been hit on by every male friend I've ever had. One even stalked me for years.
Nothing had ever happened with him, I thought we were friends.
People can tell themselves whatever they like but I don't believe men and women can be friends, sadly.
One party always wants more.

OP what would your fiancé say if you had met a gorgeous waiter at your local restaurant and had everything in common with him, same interests and now you were off to do hobbies together?

Do you trust your DP?

If yes, everything's fine, nothing to see here

If no, why are you marrying (or even with) someone you don't trust?

At the moment you're saying you don't trust him, so either get over your wobble or bail out

First of all find a good therapist. It sounds very much like you haven’t been able to heal and move on from the infidelity you experienced in your 20s.

I also can’t stress enough: speak to your partner. The man’s about to be your husband if you can’t share your deepest fears/worries/anxieties with him what are you even doing with him?

Look no one can see the future, and I think you know that. There are very few certainties in life and none in the area of love, sex and romance.

Is he spending every minute with her or is she joining him and others in a hobby, your story is changing quite a bit. Ultimately there’s not much you can do if he wants to be with her more than you but I would talk to him about your worries as you are not being honest with him. Although I wouldn’t want to break up the friendship personally as that’s crossing a line.

I’d invite her out for a meal/ drinks all three of you and maybe just observe them together.

I was jealous of a female friend of my partner then when I saw them together I was like….. there’s nothing there!

"surely he wouldn't throw all that away" - famous last words of many women

Do you not have male friends involved with your hobbies, or even outside of your hobbies?

You obviously feel this way which is why your DH doesn’t trust you around other men.

But most of us women have a lot more dignity than you.

I’m assuming that poster has always been very unattractive and lives in hope that a man will one day find her attractive.

Her and her DH do not have a good relationship and so I think it makes her feel better to suggest that women everywhere are the problem.

Poor her.

It’s so true. I sit here awaiting de flowering every night.
Whilst posting on a parenting site, most of us have at least had one dick involved in the conception of our children

Trust me we can tell.

The desperation for male attention is loud in your posts.

Nothing they were going to do in front of you anyway.

Nothing could be further from the truth 😂
Years of having to beat them off with a shitty stick has proven my point, It just gets boring.
But it also gets to become a pattern and married, single, partnered up, Father’s, makes no difference whatsoever. Male “friends” all had a go at some stage and been rebuted. Unless I didn’t want to of course, and then they were fucked.
so it led to the natural conclusion that given that all women know this. Why are the pick me’s hanging around other people’s partners like a bad smell?

Ah yes I bet you’ve had loads of attention over the years 😂😂😂

Those that don’t want it, get the most
In all areas of life
Look at you for example. You are giving me lots of attention and I don’t want yours either
😂😂😂

I’m glad I can be of service to you.