DP has a new female friend he has everything in common with

[Peanutbuttttter]

And I have no intention of saying anything, that's never been an issue in our 3 year relationship, but I feel insecure. It's a woman he's met recently, who I think is a couple of years younger than me (I'm 36)

Me and him do have things in common but he has 2 hobbies I'm not very interested in, equally I have a couple of hobbies he doesn't fancy doing. However we still show an interest and ask about them etc. Just not things we'd do ourselves.
A record store/café type place opened recently and this woman works there. They hit it off and have agreed to do one of their hobbies together (with a few other people) he did invite me and he has never done anything untoward.
Just what makes me feel insecure is that they literally have every single thing in common, those hobbies he does, she does them too, both very into piercings and tattoos, i am but not to the extent they are. Both share the same music taste whereas mine and his has some similarities but differs a little.
We're getting married in a year so surely he wouldn't throw all that away? I found her social media (i know) and she was engaged to a woman previously, so may be gay, but she may be bisexual, it's no guarantee, I don't even know if she's single.
I just worry he might realise he has far more in common with her and she's also his type physically, plus seemingly younger than 36.

Again I've no intention of saying anything and there's nothing I can do, just got to deal with it. I've just heard stories where people were happy or so they thought, then just met that person who made them think otherwise and left for them (someone did this to me in my 20s). Advice on feeling more confident?

Far from it! We had a new couple from the yacht club over for dinner just this weekend gone. Lovely "peeps"! But I might have felt different if he was insisting that it was "totally cool" to hang out with a 33 year old single woman, alone. Luckily, as stated above - he is a gentleman, so would never find himself in such a predicament.

You might never want to post on MN about it, that’s fine.

But lots of people are friends with people of the opposite sex.

One of my best friends is a heterosexual male.

Perhaps you’re from a very different generation but it’s quite normal nowadays to have friends of different sexes.

If you don’t trust your DH to be around the opposite sex, it’s because he’s untrustworthy.
If he doesn’t trust you to be around the opposite sex, it’s because you’re untrustworthy.

Trust doesn’t count if the only reason they don’t cheat is because they’re never alone with the opposite sex.

I think there's having friends and there's playing with fire. The two do not always meet but if/when they do, that's the time to be careful.

Some people never see the fire, some people see it even when it doesn't exist. That's why views on can men and women be friends attract opposing opinions.

For me its the way this friendship came about that I wouldn't like because just how much were they interacting that they decided it would be fun to spend more time together.

OPs mistake was not meeting her when she had the chance. I think that would have either made you feel better or given you something more concrete that you could have then discussed with your partner.

Either talk to him or accept the next invite, or both. At the moment your imagination is running wild.

@Peanutbuttttter, you are marrying this man. He’s the person you should be able to say anything to.. and who you should expect to respond to you with compassion.

You’re not giving him a chance to reassure you here… just building something up in your own head.

If this is a person worth committing your life to.. then he should be someone you can communicate with. So talk to him.

In total agreement with this. There are things to clarify here, and it is your right to do so.

I think you need a chat.
Tell him that it's really obvious how much he has in common with this woman, how much he likes her, and that its not unusual for these situations to turn into feelings and threaten relationships, even when there was no intention originally for that to happen.
Tell him that you're not trying to restrict his friendships, but that if he starts to think of her as more than a mate, he either pulls back before it escalates or tells you so you know where you stand.
You can do no more than that and trust he does the decent thing.

You shouldn’t be worried about your long term partner and soon to be husband labelling you as jealous. At this stage in the relationship you should feel able to sit down and have a conversation about this.

I work with a lot of men and I do have lots in common with one so sometimes we’ll have lunch, coffee or drinks together. He’s 20 years older than me so I think DH doesn’t feel threatened for that reason most of all but if he did, he’d tell me. Men and women can be friends without attraction getting in the way.

You need to speak to him about this urgently. You’re hugely catastrophising when this woman may be gay.

Why not talk to him, what the big deal? I've got male friends and they are friends, never in a million years etc. I think it's healthy to have male and female friends. Good for him. Talk to him, you'll know what's going on from reaction.

you are really really spiralling and need to get a grip. When I say get a grip I don't mean that in a flippant, rude way. I mean you really need to take control of the situation rather than let it control you. I can understand why you're panicking based on your previous relationships and experience and your recent bereavement but worrying about what might happen isn't going to make it any more likely or less likely to happen it's only going to make you extremely unhappy. I don't get why them having so many things in common with each other is something that's an issue ? as long as you don't hate everything he does and he hates everything you do surely some differences between you makes for things to be more interesting It's good to have your own interests. what are you doing when he's doing this hobby Are you just sitting at home wondering about whether they're getting it on Or are you doing something for yourself?

You are so right in what you post about, I am surprised that other posters don't see it. But unfortunately, these days black is white and white is black. I registered on MN yesterday, read a few threads and after reading them felt so filthy, so dirty - an 8-year old 'coming out as gay and is supported by her parents', 'harmless friendships between soon-to-be married men and women', and worst of all, gaslighting and twisting everything - to call out people who know what is proper and what is not, call them 'lacking in trust', etc. Calling people homophobes for not wanting strangers around their children, calling people 'miserable and mean' because they don't let their children have overnight sleepovers in strange places, etc. etc. Sometimes MN is like an excursion into perversion, into a twisted world of 'new normal'.

Just you, me, and Gransnet it seems!

Cant you find out for sure if she is gay? There might be nothing to worry about. She might just be an interesting fun gay woman for him to hang out with. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Do tell us what’s ‘proper’.

This.

@Peanutbuttttter In your situation I would a) talk to my DP about feeling insecure and gauge his reaction and then depending on that I would b) go and make a nice male friend myself. Two can play at this game. Whatever he does to you, you can do to him.

Don’t destroy your relationship through loss of confidence in yourself, or suspicion. You are lovable and loved. You love your fiancé and want to marry him. Remember that.

Common interests are great for friends, they’re nothing to do with chemistry or love.

She is definitely gay.
She’s had girlfriends before and may have one now.

OP is worrying about if she’s secretly bisexual, even if she’s never been with a man before.

I’m not sure how you would find this out

I really don't think men leave relationships because they have more in common with someone else. Its important to have something in common with your partner, but as long as you've got enough to talk about, more isn't better. I also think most men (and most women) want some space sometimes, and sharing every hobby would be awful

So would I.

Nothing has happened but if I were him and had read this thread I would back away from you. Your imagination is febrile. Too intense, too needy, too desperate. And do you even love him? It all sounds like you were running out of time so he’ll do. Work on your low confidence, low self esteem, sad feelings about your tragic friend.

My dh and I have little to no hobbies in common and are both very different in terms of musical taste and television/movies. Pretty much the only thing we have in common is our humour. But it works and has done for 20 years, despite most of our friends being absolutely gob smacked we ever even met, let alone got together.

He has friends who he does stuff with, his main hobby is d&d and they all gather at ours to play until the early hours of the morning. There are a handful of men, gay and straight and 2 straight women who play. I don't really know them but from their clothes etc i can guess that they probably share a lot of the same interests as DH. It doesn't bother me. I would be concerned if he were doing things one on one with the women because it would be so unusual for him (the one woman i can even remeber him spending any significant time alone with is my best friend and that was only because she needed lifts to hospital for a few months and we all split them along with her husband).

Basically, if its a group thing, and he tries to include you and isn't sneaking off with her, I wouldn't care, if he starts giving you reasons to raise an eyebrow, trust your gut.

Hi, my tuppence worth is to go along to one of the hobbies that she attends, get to know her a little bit and that in itself may put you a bit more at ease. I completely get where you're coming from because of your past but if you get to know her that may help a lot ☺️

I dont think the other woman is the OPs main problem, it's the fact that she can't speak to her husband to be about how she feels.

I'd lean in to the situation. What's worrying you, is what you don't know. You don't want to control him by telling him you don't want them hanging out. If you have a lot in common with your partner then you have a lot in common with her too. Make efforts to become her friend. There's every chance she could be a great friend in the making and, if she has a lesbian history, you could be turning the insecurity tables on your dp.

I think you should ask him for reassurance. I know I would. What if he loves you with all his heart and would be saddened to hear that you’re spiralling needlessly?