Am I being massively overprotective, or is this unusual?

[Yellowandgreens]

I was chatting to two different mums recently and it got me wondering whether I’m much more cautious than most parents.

One mum has a 6-year-old DS and told me she let him walk back to school on his own after school because he’d forgotten something, then walk home again afterwards. They only live about an 8-minute walk away, but there are two roads to cross. The same child also cycles around the block with friends and goes a couple of roads away from home.

Another mum told me she left her 7-year-old DS home alone for an hour and a half while she ran some errands.

Obviously every child is different, maturity levels vary, and circumstances aren’t the same for every family. I’m not judging either of these parents at all, but both situations made me feel quite uncomfortable.

I’m nowhere near allowing DS that kind of freedom. I even felt panicky when I had to move my car and he was in the house on his own for less than five minutes. I don’t really like leaving him downstairs by himself for too long in the mornings either if he’s up before us.

He’s an only child, but so are the children I’ve mentioned, which made me wonder whether it’s just me being overprotective.

Am I unusually cautious, or are these things that many parents would also be uncomfortable with?

I wouldn’t have done either, and I don’t consider myself to be that overprotective really. I just think that age is too young, and the time they were alone in the house too long. Maybe im more protective than I thought!

I wouldn’t do either with my (slightly young in maturity) 10 year old. She’d probably be absolutely fine with either on any “normal” day but it’s the outlier scenarios she’s not ready for - what if someone approached her out walking or what if there was a fire or even someone knocked at the door at home. She wouldn’t cope with those scenarios and therefore IMO she’s not ready.

I didn’t leave my eldest home alone for longer than 30 mins until about age 12/13 - she’s now a very independent 16 year old so it hasn’t held her back and I don’t see the need to rush these things

No to both for me, I am with my parents currently and read out your OP to them, they are both mid/late seventies. They both commented they did neither with myself or my sibling as young children and were quite horrified anybody would today.
OP, this is one of those things where the opinions/actions of others do not matter a jot. If your gut is uneasy with it, you go with your gut, always.

I didn't (and wouldn't) do either until my DC was about 11 and a bit. But, I wouldn't panic about leaving them home for 10-15 mins at 7-8 while I nip out to get milk.

I am a mum to a 7 year old only DD, wouldn’t really class myself as overprotective whatsoever and wouldn’t do either of those things!! I do drop her at the school gate and she has to walk all the way round to the entrance but she is technically in the school. I would absolutely not leave her in the house alone for over an hour but I would leave her if I needed to move the car or something like that. 6/7 is too young I think.

I wouldn’t do either at those ages and think I have a fairly firm handle on giving my child age appropriate independence.

There is no way I’d be leaving a 6/7 year old (with suspected AuDHD) alone at home, or walking to school crossing roads solo. I don’t think you’re being over protective, you’re being very sensible in my view! Building independence is a long, slow, gradual process which should be tailored to the individual child and as their mother you are best placed to judge what their readiness is.

I'm actually quite shocked at the replies, I wouldn't say I'm hugely over protective but surely 7 is far too young to be left home alone for any amount of time?? DD is 11 and DS is 8 and no way I'd leave them home alone! I'd also not let them walk back from school at 6, that's ridiculous.

Child dependent. Staying home alone for a few minutes is how I'd start building it up. But crossing roads for my DC isn't possible due to being ND. They've not got the common sense. Whereas at home on their own, they're probably OK.

You’re not overprotective. You are the normal sensible one.

I think those of us willing to give our kids more freedom/ leave them alone a bit more have scaffolded this independence. If you aren’t comfortable letting your son stay downstairs by himself at 6, then any sort of independence is going to be stressful for you as you haven’t seen him make good choices over and over to provide some reassurance.

you start by letting them be inside while you are in the garden or vis-versa, then build up time and distance over time. They show you they can be sensible & make good choices and you increase the freedom little by little.

I nanny and they are working on independence with their 10 year old as next year she will go to big school and will need to take the bus by herself. We are working on this now 7 months before she needs it, to build up. So at the moment that might mean being at home by herself and while the adults drop the little ones somewhere, ie the nursery run. Small bursts to build confidence :)

I have your same list of diagnoses and honestly I think that combination can make it really hard to trust your intuition about what is "normal". I don't think either of those decisions sound particularly safe and I wouldn't do either at that age (and I, like you, try hard not to be overprotective!) I think you're fine!

I wouldnt either. Its neglectful to leave a 7 year old alone to run errands. I have 3 kids and none have ever walked to school themselves at 6 years old or been left at 7 years old alone. I may be out in the car at the front of my house or cutting the grass but that's it. I have noticed a theme though with parents who believe there kids are "very mature or have very good road sense" doing these things but nornmally the child is neither mature or road wise. A 7 year old nearly cycled his bike out in front of my car yesterday whilst crossing the road going to school. Thankfully I was driving slow and very aware he wasn't paying attention. A 6 year old went missing in our area recently as she has little rules.

I don’t have children, OP, but if I did, I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t let them do either of those things. And neither would my mum have let me. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all.

Hugely depends - we weren't left alone till our teens, but we had open fires, which won't be a factor for many, plus an isolated farmhouse, so you can't just call next door. OTOH, we were free to play in a garden with lots of poisonous plants, which we were expected to recognise, so that we didn't eat Monkswood or foxgloves...

I think roads also depend- big main road or small sidestreet? Zebra or pelican crossing or no crossing?

And the child - are they generally sensible and able to sense danger, or just rush about madly?

But your two examples seem a bit young, even if a sensible child.

I dunno, I'm definitely less anxious about both of mine since having my second because I'm so fucking tired I just can't hack that much adrenaline and there's no space in my head to worry excessively about two of them.

I think they are too risky and you too risk adverse but everone is different as is every child. My now 13 year old was left home for 30 minutes - 1 hours starting age 10. By age 12 he was home alone for 4 hours at a time. My now 10 yr old is ND and is only left alone whilst she sleeps with her brother in the house whilst we go for a walk.

I think it's totally child dependant. My daughter is 6 and I let her go to the end of our (very small, quiet) cul de sac and cross the road to her friend's house, the 5yo friend is also allowed to do the same to come to ours. I wouldn't let her walk to school alone yet but she would probably be totally fine to do it. I think from around year 3 or 4 (she's year 1 now) I'd probably be comfortable with it.

With my older ones I started leaving them home alone from around 8.5, first just to pop to the shop and gradually leaving them a bit longer until I could leave them for an hour or so by the time they were 10. I think it's best to do it like this so that by secondary school at 11 they can be reliably left at home and be able to get themselves to and from school independently.

Opposite for me, more anxious with my second, partly because he is more anxious which feeds my anxiety and partly because I seem to getting more anxious in general as I get older. But I try not to let this govern my choices too much.

It's normal in e.g. Eastern Europe or Japan for kids to be that independent so early. I stayed alone at home for 3 hours daily since I turned 6.
I have a 6-year old myself and there is no way I would leave him alone in our house for an hour.
But I do think we are too overprotective here and it's not doing our kids any favours.

Yep I agree with you. Posters saying it’s not illegal are massively simplifying the issue. The fact the law does not specify an age you can legally leave a child but does not mean you have carte blanche to leave them at any age. Of course mostly no one knows but should the authorities become aware because something happens or someone reports it then you’re going to have to have a pretty good defence. NSPCC who are referred to on the government website have an under 12 and over 12 category.

I used to let mine walk to school at age 6 but the school was at the end of our street and the road was a dead end. When the school had a new building it was a longer walk and involved crossing two roads so I went back to taking and collecting them. So much depends on the child and the length and potential risks of the journey . As for leaving them alone at age 7, I did this as it was sometimes unavoidable but my maximum was 30-40 minutes and there were strict intructions about not answering the door etc.

Child protection charity in my country (so NSPCC equivalent) says primary school children are too young to leave for entire days repeatedly, quite a lot more than 1.5 hours.

No to both of those at that age. My boy is Y6, 11yo. This year he's started to bike to the village for school about 10 mins away (on bike), we see him across the big road. He sometimes stays out after school to play in the village. I was happy to leave him home alone for an hour or so from late last year. He obeys rules and is very sensible, He never risks dashing across the road (I used to watch him, when I let them walk from the car into school). if he's unsure of anything, he calls me. He always answers his phone and texts me when he's got somewhere. My daughter is a year younger than him...totally different kettle of fish. I would currently leave her for maybe 20 mins at home - but any longer and she'd probably try cooking or something. She thinks she's much more independent than she is. She likes to push boundaries and sometimes the truth...she is also tiny for her age. She gets to go to the farm shop next door for an ice cream on her own - but currently that's about it. I can't imagine letting her bike to the village on her own anytime soon.

Even in the 80s when I wandered miles away from home in late primary I wasn’t allowed to walk home alone at 6 from school - which pissed me off, but there was a busy road.
i always remember my friend letting her 9/10 year old walk home from school, it was 2-3 minutes walk and lots of the other mums were really critical. My friend was really upset but she had newborn twins and getting them in and out was a pain and really doubted herself.