Am I being massively overprotective, or is this unusual?

[Yellowandgreens]

I was chatting to two different mums recently and it got me wondering whether I’m much more cautious than most parents.

One mum has a 6-year-old DS and told me she let him walk back to school on his own after school because he’d forgotten something, then walk home again afterwards. They only live about an 8-minute walk away, but there are two roads to cross. The same child also cycles around the block with friends and goes a couple of roads away from home.

Another mum told me she left her 7-year-old DS home alone for an hour and a half while she ran some errands.

Obviously every child is different, maturity levels vary, and circumstances aren’t the same for every family. I’m not judging either of these parents at all, but both situations made me feel quite uncomfortable.

I’m nowhere near allowing DS that kind of freedom. I even felt panicky when I had to move my car and he was in the house on his own for less than five minutes. I don’t really like leaving him downstairs by himself for too long in the mornings either if he’s up before us.

He’s an only child, but so are the children I’ve mentioned, which made me wonder whether it’s just me being overprotective.

Am I unusually cautious, or are these things that many parents would also be uncomfortable with?

Those conditions will definitely have an impact and if your son has adhd that also has an impact as he won't be as ready for such things as NT children his age. You don't need to rush things but consider how much your anxiety impacts your thought process, is your son's other parent involved? Get their viewpoint too to see if it differs from yours. But you don't need to leave him home alone for no reason at this age, there's no rush.

I wouldn’t have done either of those things and I thought I was fairly relaxed but perhaps not. Children here are allowed to walk to and from school in primary 4 and I let my oldest out to play at the park around the same time. Really surprised at some people saying the would leave their child in the house too. My oldest is 10 and I have never considered doing this. No judgement just interesting to read.

Oh god no absolutely not being over protective. I don’t even leave my kids in the car when I have to pay for fuel and they are 4&8 🤣

I know no one who would leave a 7 year old home alone for 90 minutes. Mine were much older (although there is SEN at play). The first time we left DS we returned to him walking the street around our house in his socks because he was looking for us. I felt awful and it took a lot of work to be happy leaving him again.

The playing out/walking to and from school is very dependent on the area. My daughter probably played a street away at that age but in a safe, traffic calmed estate with lots of other children and parents around.

Then he's nowhere near ready. As I said my middle one would have been My eldest (ADHD), couldn't be given independence until high school. My youngest until around 13 (SEN transported). Just drum into him using crossings and coming off his phone, when crossing etc. Teach him independence at home and build up before him going solo, or being left. It's took until late teens until two of mine didn't lose keys/bank cards and could problem solve when out, if things went wrong. Lads egg each other one, there's often no sense of reason and you need to keep him safe.

Nope wouldn’t do either. My 7 year old can entertain herself in rare cases I have zoom calls that can’t be disturbed but I’m home for that. She’s not strong enough to open our front door nor reach the side gates if going out the back so it would be stupid. Hopefully the mum who did the second left her phone at home or some way for the child to contact someone should they have needed to.

It depends on where you live. At 6 I might have done the first if the roads are quite village streets. Main roads, definitely not. Cycling round the block would probably be ok, again depending on roads. When mine where 6/7 they were allowed to walk to the play park 5 minutes away.
I definitely wouldn’t leave a 7 year old alone for that length of time.

What age is your child? My DC is nearly 8. I've only left her at home once for 15 mins with the phone to call me if she needed me.

She plays on the green with her friends and on the cul-de-sac we live on. She knows she's not to go out of sight of that house on the green, around the corner on the road or into anyone's house without first getting permission from me.

I dgaf if anyone thinks I'm over protective. I know from what she says that she likes the feeling I am always looking out for her. She's an only child too and she's sensible.

What was your childhood like? I think we all either mirror them or go against them, there's no being oblivious to your own upbringing.

I felt very uncared for in mine. We were very 'privileged' in terms of money and status but i was often locked out of the house with the huge driveway for hours, left alone at night in a big detached house, never had my lunch made for school or the right things with me. It made me driven and proactive as an adult but I craved feeling taken care of. Friends families often adopted me for a few years and all my happiest memories are in other people's houses or with them on holidays.

So now I love fussing over my DC. I'm also conscious I don't want my own experiences to make me over compensate when she's older. She's still a kid now though.

Maybe it's the same for you?

I was a very relaxed mum, definitely not over protective, and I wouldn't have done either of those things. It seems bonkers to me to let a 6 year old walk to school crossing roads, and I would only have left him at age 7 for a few minutes. Not because I was scared of anything bad happening, but purely because I don't think he would have liked it, and nor would I have liked it.

Honestly OP, you are fine, keep doing what you're doing.

I started leaving mine home alone when the youngest was seven but for ten minutes initially building up very very gradually over absolutely ages. I used to go for a walk round the block at the beginning. Walking home from school I would have been much more nervous about.

I started letting mine play out and walk around the block from 8, meet friends for a milkshake and walk to school (20 mins two big roads with lights) from 10.

The key thing is you know your kids. My daughter was confident walking home from school in year 5, my son was not ready until year 6.

I work with 8-10yos. Quiet village. We did Road Safety recently.

Only the 10yos said they ever go out alone. I know more of the 9yos will be out more this summer. Maybe some of the 8yos in a group with older siblings.

Nope, would not have done either. I don’t even like my 6 year old child walking on the pavement and not holding my hand

I wouldn’t be comfortable with either scenario you mention, they do not sound like responsible parenting. I was always led by the NSPCC guidance on kids being home alone, which is age 12 and above.

Children around here go out/walk to school with groups of friends from year 6 onwards.

It really depends on the area. When my oldest was 6, he could walk to school alone and cycle round the block. Then we moved, and no way for my younger one. I did leave the youngest home alone for an hour or so from 8 because he was comfortable with it.

I was talking with a friend last week and she is still not letting her son walk to school or the shops alone going into Y6. Which seemed very over protective to me.

Getting panicky while moving the car for five minutes is excessive.

the rest depends on the roads etc. at that age mine were walking to the shop but we lived on a very quiet estate with very little traffic and I’d been drumming the green cross code in for years.

my SIL let her six year old walk to school - but she was literally next door to it and could see him all the way.

Walking to school and back at 6 and unsupervised playing out, no. I did start leaving DS briefly when he was 7, but only for 20 minutes max. I used to have foreign language students and I would drop them at the meeting point early while DS sat on the sofa and ate his breakfast in front of the TV. His choice.

my SIL let her six year old walk to school - but she was literally next door to it and could see him all the way.

I lived next to the primary and had to sign a form so they could walk to and from school at 6/7 the school had an under 8 policy .

I'm honestly gobsmacked how many people would let their six year old walk to school and cross roads alone. Interesting how different we all feel on the matter and it makes me wonder what kind of tensions are in store as my kid gets older and wants to do things other kids are allowed to do. At the moment he's 5 and going through a phase where he's scared to wait a few feet away from me while I get his sister in the car so hopefully won't have to worry just yet.

I wouldn't let my 6 year old do either. I also wouldn't let my (recently turned) 10 year old do either 🙃 I would leave the older one home alone for up to maybe half an hour if needed, but not the younger one. I grew up in a country where we're a lot more trusting in general, and kids are very self-sufficient from a young age. I still wouldn't have been left home alone for that long at 7. That's definitely not the norm.

I think leaving on their own is partly due to ability/what they will get up to/what can they get themselves out of.

So for example, making sure they can get out if there was a fire, they can be trusted to not let anyone IN, being able to call you, not eating on their own etc.

I would love to let DC walk around on their own, but there's so many roads, and there's been some alerts of men hanging around schools, so it's a no unless I follow them from a distance. They've started crossing the road on their own (when I'm watching) but are still not good at looking just yet.

You definitely need to start building up small steps. But at this age and with potential audhd, those steps can be tiny.

Try to get more comfortable with him being downstairs alone. If you think there are specific risks, explain safe boundaries to him. Eg. No eating if you're not there.

Get him more actively involved when you're walking, eg checking the road, telling you which way to go etc.

Of course you are not overprotective. If your child was 11 then yes I'd agree. But 6 or 7? No way. I wouldn't have done either of these things in a million years.

I wouldn’t do either and that’s really saying something because I got lots of criticism from
other parents for allowing my DCs too much freedoms and responsibility (in their view). Eg I allowed DC1 when aged about 8 or 9 to travel one extra stop alone on the bus and go to the library alone for 20 minutes. There were no roads to cross and it was 3:30pm, so there were lots of people around. I had to do some shopping with DC2, and DC1 didn’t want to come to the shop with us. When I told the parents on the playground the following morning, they all told me I was in the wrong because a pervert might have snatched DC1 in the 50 yards between the bus stop and the library. I thought they were being ridiculous, IMHO.