Am I being massively overprotective, or is this unusual?

[Yellowandgreens]

I was chatting to two different mums recently and it got me wondering whether I’m much more cautious than most parents.

One mum has a 6-year-old DS and told me she let him walk back to school on his own after school because he’d forgotten something, then walk home again afterwards. They only live about an 8-minute walk away, but there are two roads to cross. The same child also cycles around the block with friends and goes a couple of roads away from home.

Another mum told me she left her 7-year-old DS home alone for an hour and a half while she ran some errands.

Obviously every child is different, maturity levels vary, and circumstances aren’t the same for every family. I’m not judging either of these parents at all, but both situations made me feel quite uncomfortable.

I’m nowhere near allowing DS that kind of freedom. I even felt panicky when I had to move my car and he was in the house on his own for less than five minutes. I don’t really like leaving him downstairs by himself for too long in the mornings either if he’s up before us.

He’s an only child, but so are the children I’ve mentioned, which made me wonder whether it’s just me being overprotective.

Am I unusually cautious, or are these things that many parents would also be uncomfortable with?

I don't have any 'labels', am not at all protective and wouldn't have done either at that age.

What do you mean by ‘labels’?

I have a 7 year old and wouldn't let him do either. I was given too much responsibility too young and I wouldn't want the same for him.

@ThatLilacTiger you'll work it out if there are tensions. Usually a kind but firm 'different families have different rules and boundaries' is enough in our house. Though we do also talk about how they'd handle the additional freedom (or sometimes how they'd feel if we were the stricter parents) and then kinda segway into the different households, different rules thing. Trying to encourage a level of consideration and contemplation for the different ways of living, without judging, because what works for one household wouldn't work for another and vice versa.

For example a child in the neighborhood is almost 8 and isn't allowed more than around 100m away from her parents (even when there's a clear line of sight and it's a secure area), has to hold the buggy when they walk anywhere, doesn't go for playdates etc. Very strict compared to our house. But she has free reign over snacks and screen time when we're more regimented. So we chat about that when DS brings up that x has their own tablet and can go on it whenever they like, or x would be allowed two chocolate bars without being encouraged to think about what they've eaten that day and if there's a healthier choice for their body right now. Okay well that works for their household, they do things differently. If you had unlimited screen time and we weren't trying to encourage you to choose a range of snacks (fruit/veg sticks, yogurt, cheese etc to balance out the packaged stuff) would that be worth not being able to go climb trees in the park because you had to stay near me? Sometimes it works, sometimes they still feel hard done by. Doesn't mean the boundary moves.

I would've done the first but not the second. Not wanting to do either doesn't make you overprotective at that age but at the same time, if you are really in a panic over 5 minutes in his own house then that is something that needs to be worked on and isn't normal.

That changes things a lot. If you can’t trust their judgement don’t leave them!
I wouldn’t let mine go and cross roads.

Obviously it isn't illegal, but I wouldn't. The NSPCC suggest that primary age is too young for both leaving them at home and walking back from school alone. Perhaps in year 6, in preparation for independent journeys to secondary school. So beyond peoples own experiences there is some guidance out there about what is sensible from independent bodies that can be trusted. It's clearly not unusual, OCD or a sign of anxiety to be in line with such advice.

I wouldn’t do either, definitely not the second, but I do let DD1(7) walk to her friend’s house around the corner by herself which is about 2-3 mins away. It’s across a quiet road in our estate and friend’s mum texts me when she arrives. It feels like an appropriate level of independence to build some maturity and confidence. I don’t think leaving a 7yo alone for an hour and a half is safe or appropriate parenting and if a child disclosed that to me, I would be concerned.

Mine is 7. No to the cycling as we are in a busy city. He has been left alone for 30 mins on maybe 5 occasions due to me leaving for work and OH being en route.

In the evening he is left once a week, once asleep in bed, for 14 minutes whilst I collect the click and collect weekly shop

I was a fairly relaxed parent I think and I would not have done either of the things in the OP so YANBU.

By the way I find this "I'm very protective because DC is an ony child" comments very odd.

I don't think I'd trust a six yo to walk for 8 minutes (if it's 8 minutes for us then longer for him?) if there were two big roads. But I guess he was fine.

I wouldn't leave a 7 yo home alone either but everyone is different. I'd probably trust them to go to the local shop and back but there's only a pelican crossing to navigate.

You just do what you think is right for you and your child.

My 7 yo (s) were sensible, knew not to answer door, knew not to start cooking or anything, knew how to call if there was a problem, knew not to go out. Would generally bring them in same place as when left and they probably wouldn’t have known I’d gone to shop of i hadn’t told them!

o appreciate not all children can be trusted it even be happy to be iffy at that age.

theyre 18/19 now and turned out good 😊

Agree that parent is negligent to the clear detriment of the child.
But some people are not very bright.
We have to anticipate others doing unsafe things and be proactive. That's one reason why it is preferable to reverse into your drive.
Makes exiting much easier with better sight lines etc.

I'm quite relaxed but no I wouldn't have allowed either of those.

I am generally the parent whose children have more independence, younger, than most of the families we know but your examples are both more than I would have allowed I think. At 7, both DC might have stayed home alone for 20 minutes while I dropped the other one somewhere, or popped to the corner shop to get bread, but 90 minutes would have felt too long. And 6 for a proper wlk with road crossing would be too much.

Having said that, I think you are way too far the other day. if your child is 7, and you're scared to even leave him downstairs by himself, I think you are setting him up to see a lot of fear in very normal things. And definitely don't be like the poster who said her chidlren didn't stay home alone at all nti they were 12.

I wouldn't let a 6yo cycle or walk home, but would probably let them at 7-8. The walk from school can be done through residential streets with little traffic and only 1 small road to cross though.
I wouldn't let them go the opposite direction on their own until they are 9-10 as there are major roads to cross.

I would let them home for a bit at 7. If over 30 min, id ask them to watch a movie and put the ring camera in the room so I can check on them (and they can speak to me through them as well).

I suppose I'm overprotective but both sound bonkers to me. My DD is 9 and autistic and has no road sense. My DS is 6 and neurotypical but is still little and I couldn't imagine ever doing either of those things. Don't be tempted by others into doing things you're not comfortable with. In my circles it would not be seen as okay at those ages by anyone ND or NT. You do what you think is right.

It's interesting, I have a very mature 5yo (6 in September) and I have often commented to DH that I reckon if I asked her to, I could give her my bank card, ask her to pop to the shop on our road (4 min walk, no crossing) and get her to buy some milk and bring it home. I would absolutely never do that, but I reckon she'd be absolutely fine.

Not a chance if it includes crossing roads/traffic though, I don't trust drivers around here.

I also think she'd probably be fine at home for an hour alone, as we often spend an hour apart in the house when I'm here. That said, I'd never do it. I think 9 is the earliest I'd consider doing either of OP's examples. I did let her go to the loo alone at our local pub on Sunday, which was weird (I could see the toilets from our table and had a 3 min timer to go in if she hadn't emerged by then).

Her younger brother is another matter and will probably be in his 20s before I consider it!!

Absolutely no to both 😬 that’s so so young

Mum of 3 adult DC. Not a chance I'd have let even a nine year old do either of those two things. DC were year 5 when they first walked to school, five minutes, one road.
All three DC travelled through Europe alone as teens and the youngest is at university four hours away so I don't think I was overly protective either and encouraged independence, those ages are just too young.

My DC are grown up now but that would have been far too young to consider the first or second in my circle of friends and family. Im really surprised so many consider it ok!

I haven’t done either. She started walking to school alone from halfway in to the walk when she was 9 as i don’t trust a lot of the drivers that use our village as a cut through and go too fast, she can walk the whole way alone from September when she starts year 6.
I would leave her alone for 20 minutes or so now as she has access to a phone but she doesn’t like to be alone if it can be avoided.
Her friend has been being left alone for an hour or so since age 7 and has been roaming the village since she turned 8.

The thing is, it’s the unexpected stuff that they need maturity to be able to handle. My 7yo is very sensible, she probably would be fine for an hour at home if everything was as normal, but the minute something out of the norm
happened, then that’s a lot for a 7yo to deal with. Power cut, fire alarm, someone at the door, hurting themselves on something, getting a snack and choking, just getting a fright at something happening outside, the list goes on.

Leaving a 7yo home alone for 90 minutes is not promoting independence, it’s neglectful. If something happened to your (generic you) child at that age while left home alone for an extended period, would you feel that you had made a good parenting decision? Would you think the police/social services would be unbothered by it? Would you think other parents would think it had been a good decision? If the answer to those is no, then you know you shouldn’t be leaving them, you’re doing it for your own convenience.

The two examples you have given would not sit well with some parents.
However, the two behaviours you mention do seem extreme. Your child needs to learn how to be on his own for awhile, and you need to learn to trust him! You will create a rod for your own back if you don't.

I'm in my 70s, from a much more relaxed time, NT as far as I'm aware and I wouldn't have done those things then let alone now