Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Do you know your husband is telling the truth about this message/ phone call? So strange for them to insist you order then seem to backtrack. I suppose it does make sense now though. Now they know you like oj they have got them in for you and suggested you bring your own chocolate as it’s cheaper I think that’s reasonable. I bet they still offer you things from the app but just say no.

the “keeping your DIL happy” bit is sooo weird on your part I don’t have the words to describe it but ew

Did you offer to pay for what you ordered? Maybe they think it was rude that you placed an expensive order every day with no offer to pay. Even if they had declined, they may have felt you appreciated their hospitality but by just continuing to order this they felt you were being entitled.

Regardless of how/why/where/when/what happened, OP, it clearly pissed them off enough for them to make a point about it to your DP before you arrive there again.

So just refuse politely to order anything this time, and source your own treats.

How do you know what their guitar cost?

I agree with this - I wouldn’t ask for expensive chocolate and juice if I knew someone else is paying.

In India it can also be seen as contributing to the local economy. If you can afford to employ staff but choose not to, it comes across like you are hoarding your wealth instead of sharing it with others less fortunate than you. Employing people in your home is a way to share your wealth AND let less-well-off people retain their dignity in a way that you wouldn't if you just gave them handouts.

Re the OP, you were a CF. Whenever I've visited my relatives in India (not sure where in Asia you were), I would - at a minimum - take them some nice gifts, and also take them out for dinner a few times. That is normal behaviour for a guest there (and in the UK I think!)

I'm also married to someone from a different culture. Someone else mentioned the 'dance' around offering and accepting. It's a minefield. I've not had this particular situation but so many others where I've inadvertently done the wrong thing and it feels horrible. You accepted what your saw as generosity that they could afford, and its nice to have small things you enjoy when you're in a foreign place. I wouldn't overthink this and let it spoil your enjoyment of your next trip. Ask your DH for his help in figuring out these cultural potholes.

Is there a cultural element that you’re missing here?

Like how in some middle eastern countries it’s considered good manners offer someone something - so even taxi drivers will say that the ride is free etc., and the etiquette is for them to “insist” 3 times, and - but then it’s equally good manners / proper that you DO eventually pay?

I’m not explaining it very well. I was reading about it on lonely planet the other day.

I was thinking this. Who eats a bar of Tony’s every day? One bar would last me a week (and I can get a lot!) as it’s a very rich chocolate. Way too much to be ordering every day and expecting someone else to pay for it

I think it's polite in pretty much every culture not to just take from your hosts constantly without at least offering to cover your share (or better yet, offering to treat them to a meal out, or a day trip etc).

TBF to them most Asian countries and Africa you may find that they spend no more than £500 on gardener, chauffeurs and a chef combined because labor is really cheap and the cost of living cheap as well. So what looks like wealth may not be necessarily it if you have to buy European standard chocolates.

I suspect you have missed out on cultural nuances here. It would have been nice if your husband explained them to you rather than ending up with you being humiliated.

I was referring more to the potential for the OP to be misunderstanding the offering /apparent insistence…. I’m not justifying the OPs manners or lack thereof

I'm just not sure how you can misunderstand it, lol.

If the chocolate is nearly twice the price there it makes sense to bring it with you. You could bring extra for them or see if there are other snacks they'd like that are more expensive there.

Maybe they were upset you didn't try more local snacks and only ordered overpriced ones you could get at home?

Did you pay for anything while you were there, bring a gift, or cook dinner?

£7 in India would buy dinner for two. Add the OJ, and it would get dessert too.

Well…. I think maybe some people are just not super socially literate?! Not sure why you’re taking issue with me?

Sounds like that scene from Narnia where the Ice Queen offers Edmund more Turkish delight to draw him in and gain his trust.

Like the Ice Queen, these people cannot be trusted if they are reneging on their promise of treats.

Its possible to be rich, generous and frugal. If an item is over twice the price here as there, it makes sense to buy it here. If you drink a lot of juice, oranges and a juicer are the economical choice. To give them the benefit of the doubt, they probably don't know that you can't afford the chocolate at home and are just thinking it's a bit daft to pay through the nose for it.

I know if I had as much money as them I would love to treat my family and £10 is very little to them

Maybe they don't have as much money as you think. Or something has happened to their money (eg bad investments)

I don’t think it’s a cultural thing.

I have been out for drinks with many different cultures (family, work, friends etc) and if they offer to pay for my drink I might accept once but then I’ll decline next time and offer to pay.

Even on dates when the man is adamant he wants to pay, I will still offer or even insist if he has paid for other things.

They're not reneging any promise. Last time they offered for OP to use their app, that doesn't mean they have to buy her snacks forever. This time for whatever reason they've let her know before the trip to bring her own.

Did you buy them anything to say thank you when you left ?

I’m thinking of friends of mine that have moved back to Australia etc. but selfishly I’m also thinking of myself. If I had to fork out loads of money to go see my in laws, I’d expect them to feed me graciously. It’s not a holiday, it’s a chore! Although the pressure would be on DP to pay for stuff, not me.

Im not from the UK so I travel to see my family and they feed me. I tend to leave DP behind though, to mind the dogs. The kennels cost as much as the trip.

I'm not just making an observation.