Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Yes your DH says actually we don’t need understand your message - you were pressurising us to order chocolate bars and treats and almost insisting on this - we thought this was because we are obviously saving for a house etc and had paid a significant amount on our flights to see you rather than in our savings towards a house and therefore wanted to ‘treat’ us for visiting and using our annual leave?

we are happy for you to come to us next time? We are happy not to visit if you felt we were rude guests? We are happy to zoom call instead? Can you have a think on what you would like us to do? We’ve already spent a lot on flights and it’s made us really uncomfortable about visiting. Treats weren’t forgotten they weren't needed or expected you really wanted us to order them and we felt we had to!

„Keep their daughter in law happy“ - a chocolate bar and orange juice a day? That’s greedy - do you have a sugar addiction? Many Asian cultures offer like your in-laws did, it’s polite to turn it down.

In China for example (and many other Asian cultures) the hosts will pile food on your plate every time you finish what’s on there. Etiquette dictates that you leave some food on your plate as this signifies that you absolute can’t eat anymore.

I think you would have done well to educate yourself a bit more about the host culture. I think it comes across as CFery to order an item that you can’t afford at home at someone else’s expense where it’s nearly double the price.

With regards to preferring plain food - can you speak to your husband and explain you just can’t handle the food as you have sensitive tastebuds and aren’t used to spices? Cook your own plain meals to accompany the dishes they serve and make a polite attempt to eat those you can manage.

I would really hope you bring your in-laws a lovely gift for heb you next see them and don’t abuse their kindness again.

I suppose it could be like if the family were hosting in the UK, and the girlfriend was say, Japanese.

And when they asked if the girlfriend wanted something, she ordered some imported sugary snack from Japan that was insanely expensive, like £50, every day.

Rich or not, totally understandable that you would say, if you can't live without those snacks, bring them with you because they are insanely expensive here!

When youre dining on someone else’s money, it’s not the time to use it as an excuse to spend more than you usually would. If you view a daily chocolate bar and OJ as excessive (I do) I would not expect someone else to pay for that.

But just put it behind you and move on. The treat app didn’t work out from your last holiday. Enjoy this visit - squeeze your orange juice, offer to do some for others, maybe pick up some treats and snacks to share. Even wealthy people like to be treated and this is especially true if they are hosting.

I expect they felt obliged to offer since they were using the app themselves every day, and it would have been rude of them not to. But they perhaps expected you to say no. One thing I know about wealthy people is that they are tight. You don't get wealthy by being generous. Don't feel any shame whatsoever. They offered and you accepted. Next time just take your own stuff and be prepared for them to offer the app again ( so that they can order stuff for themselves the greedy pigs) but this time say 'no'. Lower your expectations, feel no shame and all will be well.

Asking for a friend... 🤣🤣 which brand do you buy?

I don’t think she does need to reflect. £10 per day on a house guest isn’t much. There is a big difference between a bottle of orange juice and a bar of chocolate than a ribeye and wine!

OP you did nothing wrong, they were continually encouraging you so what else were you meant to think? Has your husband given you any enlightenment as to what their problem is?

I think its crass to tap up rich people for luxuries you won't pay for yourself.

Its right to feel embarrassed. It's unreasonable to feel peeved that they won't bankroll your pricey chocolate habit just because they are rich.

Perhaps it's just the case that they were happy to treat you the first time, especially as you didn't know what to expect in terms of what to bring and they wanted you to feel welcome.

But despite being wealthy they don't like to overpay and know you can get it cheaper.

I don't think it means they thought you were a CF or did anything wrong last time, they just don't want it to be the expectation every time.

It could be taken as a sign they see you more as part of the family set up now and so aren't going to the same lengths to impress you.

Aldi moser roth! I’m a chocolate fiend but individual bars keep me from binging

They probably thought you were being gluttonous and greedy eating a bar of (expensive, imported) chocolate and drinking fresh orange juice every day!! That’s so much sugar!!

I wonder if it’s less the cost and more that they think you’re bigger than you should be.

Not saying they’re correct in that opinion by the way. I lived in Asia for years and anything over a size 6 was “big” 😂

Yes, finally a poster who really drills down to the point. Anyone who eats a chocolate bar a day is prima facie BU. Bleurgh! Imagine!

£10 a day in some countries is a huge amount of money.

Laat time you weren't eating their food so they probably told you to use the app because they were worried you weren't eating (and what are the issues with food? It is quite rude not to eat what the family eats unless there is a medical reason). They were being good hosts.

However, knowing you won't eat their food, this time they are pre-empting the situation by telling you to bring the chocolate with you (which makes sense if it is much cheaper here - they don't know you are scrimping and wouldn't actually buy it for yourself even at the cheaper price)

Don't be embarrassed. Do take a gift with you. Something you can get here but that would be a luxury there.

Don’t be chocolate shamed by anyone, online or offline. Terry’s chocolate oranges are £1.50 in Tesco just now. Stock up and take a suitcase of the food you want, you pay your own dentist bills. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. It sounds as though you might not be able to do anything right with this family, but that’s a different conversation.

Perhaps not a promise but a standard set especially since they really encouraged her. And then they ask her to bring her own next time. Gone from feast to famine.

Like having guests over for dinner and pouring generous glasses of fine wine all night only for you to ask them to bring their own wine next time including glasses. I find it poor hosting and if they couldn’t maintain it then they should have made it clear it was a one off treat. Imagine asking someone to bring their own oranges to squeeze. I mean, come on to F 😂

I wonder how old the OP is? Just asking as I probably made similar mistakes when visiting friends/family in my 20s. Just assumed visiting was the same carefree experience it had been as a child/teenager and no help from partner to understand otherwise as the mental load of the etiquette of visiting does tend to fall on women in my experience

You can’t eat a lot if a bar of Tony’s lasts you a week and you can’t imagine the possibility of eating one a day 😂

Ikr?

The way the self righteous health freaks on here are pearl clutching and suggesting eating disorders about one fricking bar of chocolate a day (and sometimes, gasp, OJ as well), on holiday, is unreal.

Would they think it was outrageous to have one cocktail or ice cream a day on holiday? This is not what OP eats every day.

I don't believe standards get set like this. It's normal to sometimes provide wine and sometimes do BYOB.
She also hasn't been asked to bring her own oranges.

if they are minted then why split hairs over eg £10 etc ?

Christ alive, it was a holiday for her. 1 chocolate bar per day on holiday is absolutely fine🙄

I don’t eat chocolate, yeah I know, I’m weird. But I’m addicted to Bassets Liquorice Allsorts. I have to have three packets minimum in the cupboard. I would take my treat with me though, regardless how wealthy or kind my host was, I’d feel uncomfortable if they were hosting me anyway and paying for my treat. I don’t really get the orange juice thing though, would think it would be provided by the cook for everyone? Regardless, I’d take my own stash of treats and drink whatever I was offered or what they were drinking.

This was my thought too. There's heaps of potential for social misunderstanding between different cultures.

Taking a western perspective of taking that at face value and repaying in a different way would still not be correct. In some cultures you should always decline the first 2 offers. It's only if you get a third offer that it's genuine. We have similar sorts of conventions we don't even register are particular to our culture, we just think it's polite everywhere.

In that case though I would have thought OP's husband would have spelled that out to her.

They have a private chef 5 nights a week, but there’s nothing you can eat? So your whole stay is ruined because you can’t eat a bar of chocolate every day because you’re really looking forward to that?

Grow up. Maybe they’re just sick of dealing with a grown adult who is so fussy they can’t enjoy Asian food whilst in Asia with a private chef cooking for them.