Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Well that's on them isn't it? Why would you keep asking someone to order something out of sarcasm?

I do think it's a combination of cultural differences and tightfistedness. And that's where her DH comes in, he knows his parents and culture and should have given her tips or advice if that was happening. And I really want to know what he said to his mother when she told him to pass the message to OP. Yes ma'am I will?

@twentie

OP - you need to stop being dramatic and entitled. Getting a bar of chocolate that you consider expensive in UK - is mental, even if people tell you to use a local delivery app.
Exports to Asia from Europe make everything cost double. So based on that alone it’s not a good look.
The cost of that bar of chocolate may well be a daily wage for a driver there - depending on a country. So - it just looks strange and inconsiderate to do.

If they have a chef - why not talk to him about some plainer dishes for you - that will be completely normal thing to do, rather than fill up on chocolates. And squeezing own orange juice is not a big job.

I sort of get where they are coming from. Eating a £6 imported chocolate bar every day just because you could is a bit OTT. Clearly your MIL now thinks you can’t live without it and asked you to consider bringing it. I don’t see that as a big issue. Bring it or eat the local (presumably much cheaper) chocolate. Or pay for it yourself shock horror. Even rich people don’t like to waste money.

Or maybe people shouldn't say things they don't actually mean, just to be 'polite'. How politely are OP's ILs treating her now?

In what way is asking her to bring her preferred UK chocolate with her to Asia next time being impolite or treating OP badly?

Yes, this.

It's all very well offering to buy stuff for your guests but the polite thing to do (as the guest) is to either refuse or offer something in return.

I think its a stupid thing to say. And ever more stupid to say it and than be upset if a person help themselves to something you didnt expect them to. I do agree that taking a bottle of alcohol is weird though.

As someone who lived for a (short!!) while with an out and out miser I really recognise the attitude of ‘They can afford it so they should pay for me and I will make sure that what I am taking is something that I am far too tight to ever buy for myself. Because they owe me’

it is always like that in a misers head.

It is never, ever ‘how can I show my appreciation for the fact that they are being hospitable and gracious hosts’.

To the miser there is only EVER entitlement and taking, and making sure that they come out of any situation with more than they put in. Misers have a spreadsheet where normal people have a heart.

Yeah, they see you OP. I bet your partner/husband knows this about you as well.

The Dubai Chocolate which was so popular costs about that, if I remember correctly.

this disgusts me tbh. Don’t ask if they want something if you begrudge paying for it then slagg them off later 🤢

Get a grip! What would you rather they do, remain quiet and feel awkward about how much you’re spending (of their money) or delicately raise their concerns to your other half? Get over it and don’t act like a spoilt child! I suggest you reflect on this before even contemplating having a child of your own. You’ll just create another self centred person otherwise.

I think if the best thing I had to look forward to on a holiday was an orange juice and a chocolate bar I can get at home I wouldn't be spending the momey going. I understand why your husband would want to see his family but especially if I was trying to save money I'd wave him off and have an orange juice and chocolate bar at home every day for the duration of the trip. It'd be cheaper than flights and just as enjoyable by the sound of it.

Wow you are piece of work. Why did you ask then? She spent a lot of money on flights when she is not well off and you are begrudging her food?

How come they are so incredibly wealthy but their son (I presume?) and his partner have to penny pinch all the time to try to get into a position to have a child?

I'm not suggesting they throw all the money you need at you (although tbh I would, can't see the point in having it if you don't use it to secure your children and grandchildren) but it seems strange that they have this extremely high level of wealth and you two are having to scrimp over chocolate bars and juice?

Or maybe people shouldn't accept generosity without any intention of repaying it!

Guests who just say "yes please" to everything you offer comes across very badly. I had a guest who came to stay for 4 nights and she and her husband drank 7 bottles of our wine in that time. Of course we offered it to them, how could we not? They took us out for dinner to say thank you but our share was £60. The other nights I cooked dinner, they had breakfast and snacks, we drove them around, picked them up from the airport, were kind and hospitable but they took the fucking piss not bringing anything AT ALL.

Juicing your own oranges is no hardship really is it? And to be honest if a £4 bar of chocolate is going to break the bank you should maybe not be visiting every year.

I don’t like anyone enough that I’d want to pay for everything if they came to visit me, I’d rather they didn’t if I had to buy them ribeyes every night lol

Why are none of your updates about what your dh has to say about this?

I think you embarrassed them by not having the self-control to not buy chocolate every day. You behaved like a poor kid who had never had a treat. Never ever take hospitality for granted.

If they know its cheaper over here they probably just think it makes more sense esp if they dont think you are on a extreme budget ,and maybe they used the app on first visit as they didn't know what you like so it was easier to give you a wide range if choice that you could choose yourselfas and when you like . Now that you have a pattern of really liking freshly squeezed juice they have thought we will have that in so you can grab one whenever you like .

I wonder if they'd feel different if it was £10 of things they considered more reasonably priced. Maybe it was the luxury of it they resented, not the actual total amount. People can be odd.

Please tell me I’m not only one here hoping you didn’t eat the chocolate and then washed it down with the orange juice…

That’s a lot of sugar to be consuming each day but regardless of that I’m sore they didn’t expect you to make it a daily ritual! I think they tried to make you feel welcome but you slightly abused it and left them feeling regretful that they extended the gesture. So buy some multipacks of chocolate and eat that instead. No problem at all.

also when people order something I think it’s pretty grabby to take ThAT much advantage of it.

It’s common with penny pinchers to justify their penny pinching by thinking they would treat people more if they had more money.

In reality, penny pinchers will pinch whether they are rich or poor.

Just because they have money, doesn't mean they dont understand the value of it.
So rather its not that you spent £10 every day, its what the money went on. So this time they are suggesting you bring something with you that you like/enjoy.
Why would anyone want money wasted on something, when you can bring it with you for much cheeper?

I'm not sure what has been lost in translation either culturaly or through language, but surely your husband understood thier intention at the time, and should have told you if you were getting it wrong. Likewise now, he surely knows what they mean.