Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food

Oh I wouldn’t like that at all. I mean, I love spicy food, most Asian stuff, but going on holiday and not having the freedom to choose a restaurant selling something plain so you can enjoy your holiday? What would they say if you went out for dinner or lunch, either with them or without? Or would that be too awkward as they have private chefs?

Ultimately, if I can’t enjoy the food or don’t have the freedom to eat somewhere else, then I’m not going there on holiday.

This has the same ring to it as people who say things like:-

’I can’t drive myself, but if I did and had a car, I would happily offer go out of my way to offer colleagues lifts to and from work even when it’s completely out of my way’

It’s easy to spend your own fictional money (and offer fictional lifts) isn’t it?

I think it’s clear they think you have been taking the piss.

You talk about your DP-are you not actually married, but call her your mother in law? Maybe that pisses her off!

Not sure I’d bother going if they made these comments.

The price by itself isnt that relevant. Depends on how expensive it is to average income or something like that. /Dont have the correct English vocabulary for this./

Weird that you're being called cheeky and entitled when your in-laws kept pushing. I'm socially awkward and have been on the receiving end of 'have this! take a bit of that!' and there's really only so many 'no, thank you's you can say. They were rude and two-faced. Have you asked your DH?

Youre cheeky tbh. You should’ve ordered it for the first couple of days or so and then paid for it yourself. You should’ve thought of taking those snacks there this time without being asked. If you like plain food, why not take some with you. Also how about making some plain food yourself together with your husband. You took advantage of their generosity. If they saw you not eating, they probably felt they had not other choice than to encourage you to eat something, no matter how expensive while you were their guest.

For 10 days, including a three night trip to Centre Parks? You wouldn't expect a visitor to offer to buy a coffee or a bottle of wine? You wouldn't come with a few quid for spends and continuously take. I would never do that or arrive empty handed.

Sounds like they’re just very keen on ensuring they get good value for money and also maybe there was some confusion over who would be picking up the bill for the app or they’ve fallen on hard times perhaps?

I think an angle is being missed here - you were admittedly ordering (and recognised at the time) something that is imported and quite over priced.

if your also ordered a smoothie from where they do, or say a Starbucks and other snacks, you may have spent £5 a day max. To get orange juice and a chocolate bar for £12 (you keep saying £10 but elsewhere say Orange was no more than £5 and the chocolate was £7) then they’re probably looking at the bill being irritated that you’ve wasted money on items which have cheaper alternatives.

It was very kind of them to pay for you last time- bring your own £4 per bar chocolate….

I also consider £4 too expensive for chocolate here and am well aware of how obscene £6/7 for chocolate is in Asia. If it were me, I would take a lot of snacks to share and only buy things when away that I can't generally get at home. It wouldn't matter to me how wealthy I considered my hosts to be - just courtesy.

But presumably she spent a bunch on flights for her and her son?

If they have a private chef 5 nights a week, just ask for plain food from the chef.

Even so, it’s polite to at least offer to pay for something for your hosts, and not to buy expensive, imported goods everyday.

Her mother paid.

Always the way
If I had money I would ...
Yeah pigs would fly 😂

They probably spent about the same on themselves a day on it.

So fucking what?

I want to offer my view as an Asian DIL whenever I visit my PIL back in my country. Even though they are always welcome and offer to cover everything for us while we are there, we still try to pay whenever we can. We can not pay anything at home when my MIL goes shopping and does cooking every day. But whenever we eat out, we always go the the cashier to pay for the whole family. Yes. You will be considered the CF if keep receiving without giving back. You should watch more videos about Asian family norms to understand the cultural difference

Yes, I'm aware, I asked if it was imported. If it's expensive in the UK it would presumably be more so wherever OP was visiting, plus as I said surely it listed the price on the app she ordered on. I understand you can buy expensive chocolate in the UK.

In-laws, honestly 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t think you did anything wrong. If it was a cultural thing of them needing to appear to be generous & offer but you should have for cultural reasons declined, then it was your DH’s role to guide you on that. I married into a different culture and my DH really helps guide me. His brother is useless at it and gets his wife into awkward situations with the in-laws. She gets criticised but really IMO he’s the issue.

That being said, it leaves a really bad taste that they were ordering expensive treats for themselves on it all day everyday. It’s odd to be resentful of you for doing the same when they encouraged you to do it. To those saying that domestic labour is cheap there and perhaps there’s a difference, I don’t think that stands when they are ordering for themselves and a chef is more than the price of a chocolate bar and orange juice. Maybe they felt rude by not extending the same to you (which it would be IMO) but then actually resented it.

Has your MIL given the impression she doesn’t like you before? I think it’s really mean-spirited

I think they may have expected some sort of gesture for hosting you and didn’t get it

Maybe they were happy to pay last year but circumstances have changed and they are attempting to be more thrifty(?) wait and see how things are when you are there as they may have changed how frequently they order as well - just a thought

I think they’re on a power trip ‘order what you want, our house is your house etc’ then they want to put you back in your place.

I would one hundred percent not order anything from the app and always say ‘I’m good thank you’ if they offer.

I wouldn’t take any chocolate either, if they bring it up just say ‘I don’t need to bring chocolate on holiday with me, I only ordered it as you were so insistent, I never eat it at home.

It’s shitty behaviour really, it’s like nagging someone to stay and have a drink with them and then saying ‘well I didn’t mean a double G&T.

So they want to look generous but aren’t prepared to actually be generous? I hate things like this and it feels a bit like mind games and you can’t ever win. If you take your own food or start preparing things in their kitchen then they might get offended that they aren’t adequately feeding you. I’d go shopping the minute I get there and ask for a shelf in the fridge.

Haven’t RTFT but what single serve chocolate bar costs £4 in the UK?!

Op maybe your do could explain you didn’t realise it was an issue and you wouldn’t have ordered anything and now you are aware you will definitely not do it again and ask do they want reimbursement out of politeness more than anything to let him know. Unfortunately op the wealthiest are usually the tightest. You live and learn and they could have easily have stopped offering once they seen the costs so it’s on them as well. Maybe you should take food you will eat as well. Or ask the chef if he can do something you will eat.