Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

She didn't make the hosts pay. Her in laws and DP were constantly encouraging her to order.

It doesn’t matter if it’s “in line” with what they’re doing. It’s their account.

I don’t expect my guests to use my Deliveroo just because I do. That’s such an odd idea.

Would you do that with their Amazon account? Is that another “perk”?

no there were other things I wanted from the app, I wanted the meals, but like I said I couldn't afford it and it felt cheeky to order.

I also don’t think she only ate one bar of chocolate a day, and I don’t beleive for one moment they were all sitting there going please please order rhe expensive chocolate and some freshly squeezed juice.

most of this doesn’t make any sense. I think she’s embarassed as she was greedy

It sounds like you were very reasonable op. Chocolate and orange juice are modest choices when your hosts are ostentatiously rich like your ILs.
They sound unkind and unwelcoming to be honest. Either offer you the option of ordering or don't order yourselves, but don't spend lavishly on yourself while begrudging your DIL fresh orange juice.

And yes, I would not bother scrimping to visit them so often in the future as their attitude will only become more controlling. Sounds like they enjoy the power trip and making you feel small / poor.

Again, it's not just about the money.

Sure. It is a dance. Maybe she was right on the face of it, taken absolutely literally without social nuance. But it is presumably more important to make a good impression.

You’ve said you didn’t want to order pizza I get that. But there’s part way between pizza and chocolate. There must have been bread or rice.

Well, that's your problem, not your in-laws. You've said multiple times your DH told you to order meals.

If you beleive that I’ve a bridge to sell you.

Of course she did. She could have brought her expensive dark chocolate over from England if she knew she was a fussy eater.

What kind of work do you both do, OP?

But surely you can understand the concept of different cultures having different expectations. OP took them at their word and that’s ok, but that doesn’t mean they should have to pay £10 a day for OPs imported chocolate when they know OP could bring it from home for a fraction of the cost on her next trip too. They’re purchased oranges for her because they know she likes OJ. It’s embarrassing but at least she knows the expectations this time

She could have chosen simple food rather than western food, at a much lower cost presumably. Even if spicy.

Why though? You are happy for the in-laws to pick up the tab but did you not consider the cost when you went? Did you not take any money for food?

As others have said how are you preparing for this trip? Are you going to actually take food and not just chocolate?

Yeah, perhaps she has an ED or something. In which case it’s another issue entirely. The only people who get sugar cravings that she describes are those that eat a lot of sugar.

I’m curious OP as to why you keep saying you “can’t afford” this chocolate. If you have money saved you can technically afford a nice bar of chocolate.

OP, what would the problem be with your DH sending a message like this (or a similar version by you):

'Dear Mum, thank you again so much - such a treat to be going home, looking forward to catching up with everything! As is Twentie, but she's still learning about XXX food and her stomach is a bit delicate at the moment. She cooks all the time at home. During the day she might need to make herself something very plain like toast and fruit, yoghurt, eggs etc - whatever is easy without putting you to any trouble. When would be a good time for us to use the kitchen briefly, when the staff are taking their breaks? We'll clear up after ourselves of course'

Not everybody can be expected to know each others dances.

OP, let him visit his family alone.
Take a break at home.
It's ok for him to holiday alone.

How did she make them pay exactly?

The in laws and her DP all encouraged her to order. She ordered. That is not making the hosts pay.

Do you struggle with comprehension?

I think they are being unfair on you. If they offered the app and were ordering anyway now it's just awkward.

When you go over dont accept anything from the app. Can you take a stash of breakfast bars etc to have if you're hungry.

I would let your husband go on his own after, least it also saves money on flights and they don't sound particularly welcoming if they know you struggle with the food not to offer something else made at home.

So you didn’t “want” bread or rice, you just wanted dark chocolate. Which is not a choice anyone makes if they’re genuinely hungry.

Do you? People have explained this multiple times, in multiple ways, but you still don't seem to get it.

I understand. You are struggling quite a lot though.