Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

People are confused because the explanations don’t make much sense. Although she originally said she was hungry for the whole visit, she’s made no effort to plan anything differently for this next visit and actually said she was really looking forward to the chocolate and OJ as a luxury/treat.

It also doesn’t make sense that someone who is “starving” would order numerous chocolate bars instead of items that are more nutritious/would last - fruit or dried fruit, nuts, bread, yogurt etc.

It’s also weird to be downplaying to him how hungry you are, he needs to support you to be comfortable there, not just repeatedly offer a solution you’re not happy with. Surely the chefs could make less spicy versions of their usual food, and some salads you would like, so you can still participate in the family meal.

The in-laws were encouraging OP to order from the app so she wasn't making them pay for it. If someone is encouraging me to order something then I'm gonna think they are happy for me to do so.

If a friend offers to buy you a drink at a bar, do you think you're making them pay for it when they offered.

OP wasn't ordering lobster and steak. It was a bloody chocolate bar that the in-laws can well afford.

Her explanation makes no sense, though.

Her DP encouraged her to order meals on the app, she chose not to.
She was offered chips, she decided they were too unhealthy.
She had an app with seemingly unlimited food options yet decided all she wanted was import chocolate and fresh juice.

To her in-laws, she probably came across as fussy, rude and cheeky. They put up with it last time but now they've had time to think, they don't want OP spending all their money on expensive stuff while refusing all their hospitality, so think she should bring her own UK treats instead. Which is totally fair enough.

Oh no, you’ve done it again! You’ve copied my comment again as you obviously don’t have an original thought in your head. Oh dear, time for a little lie down after all your little tantrums on here, today? Never mind, better luck next time. 😞

But it doesn't matter that they can afford it. It's the principle.

The fact is she refused all their hospitality - even refused chips - and only ordered expensive chocolate (that she could buy at home for less) and orange juice. Her partner even told her to order her own meals - she refused and kept going back for more chocolate that she won't buy herself as she admits it's too expensive.

It's cheeky fuckery behaviour.

The issues with DP are that his solution at the time was for me to order food off the app. I felt uncomfortable because they didn't explicitly offer that but offered chocolate, drinks etc. Thank god I didn't.

DP and I are saving for a flat and it's not going well. DP earns a but more than me also freelancing, but ends up saving less than half of what I save because he will pick up lots of food, drinks, and rounds when he's out and about.

He's never viewed his parents money as his, and doesn't have any of it. He is not wealthy.

So now with this new development, he thinks that I should just order my meals through the app, but not thinking through how this adds up to hundreds of pounds we can't afford.

When I told him this, he said he offered me a solution and if I reject it, it's on me.

People have not read my updates. I bought them a meal out, and came with gifts. The whole trip cost us just under £3k.

yeh well they shouldn’t have offered then. Don’t offer such things to guests and get offended when they take them up on the offer . It is as simple as that really

I didn't refuse any hospitality. I tried every single dish they put in front of me. It's just not to my taste and very spicy.

@twentie

Which country's cuisine is this, OP?

But even if it's unintentional, that still comes across as refusing their hospitality - especially as you say they offered you chips and you still didn't want them. Your partner told you to order you meals, you felt uncomfortable and refused - then even though there were loads of local snacks etc. to buy, you didn't want them either - only expensive imported stuff you could have brought with you from home to begin with.

Another who thinks if it’s offered you should fill your boots as much as possible.

You say you struggle with food, does this mean it is wider than this visit.

Just because someone offers (out of politeness), doesn't mean you have to constantly accept it.

Goodness me. Just skip the visit. They sound really unkind, encouraging you to do something then making a humiliating remark like that. I wouldn’t visit these people until they learn how to host correctly. I’d be SO embarrassed if a guest of mine went hungry.

A few chocolate bars and juices is hardly filling your boots. Explicit rules should have been provided if they are that stingy

DP offered me to order meals through his parents app. The parents hadn't explicitly told me I could order meals through it. So it would have been cheeky of me to do it.

I looked on the app for cheaper meal options but the sandwiches were £15 and it felt too cheeky. I did really want one. The parents explicitly said, chocolate, coffee, cake, or orange juice so I didn't assume this extended to full meals.

After I wasn't eating alot of food they got me fries, not chips. They called them chips. They were cooked in vegetable oil. I don't eat them because they're unhealthy. So yes I tried them too politely, but just felt rubbish because I am careful about the food I put into my body and don't want to eat junk food.

I didn't feel I could say I would love some avocado on toast because they never asked me what I wanted.

Don’t offer things . It’s not polite to offer things then moan about it after. That’s like the opposite of politeness

It is when you know those items are costing your hosts a lot of money and you wouldn't buy them with your money 'cause you admit they're too expensive..

Well, don’t go then!

If you’re saving for a flat and want a baby, having regular £3k holidays isn’t very sensible.

They didn’t moan, they politely reminded her to bring her chocolate and said she’d forgot it last time and they’ve bought her oranges so she can have her freshly squeezed juice. How is this moaning. Or as another poster just wrote, a humiliating comment. It’s been done elegantly and politely

You don’t want to eat junk food?!

No it’s not . That’s actually irrelevant. It doesn’t matter how cheap or how expensive something is just do not offer it if you aren’t willing to follow through with the offer .

You won't eat chips cause they're unhealthy but you'll eat chocolate and fresh juice everyday?

Make it make sense, OP.

But eating chocolate every day is surely no worse than an occasional bowl of fries.

Why don't you let your DP go see his parents on his own? This would solve the food issues and mean only one flight is needed so saves the money you want to save.

Though it sounds like you and your partner are on different wavelengths even at home. His job is sporadic but he is happy to keep spending money while you want to save. Do you really think this is going to go well if you do save enough for a house and later have a child?