Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

She was taking her lead from the family who use the app to order snacks. So she did the same. It is all in OP’s posts if you read them

Yes, but expensive, imported chocolate is obviously not the only snack available.

She doesn't need to order full meals. There are other options that aren't "full meal" and "expensive chocolate".

These threads become absolutely unreadable when posters want to cross examine the OP on every last detail of their issue. She was using the app just like she saw the other members of the family do so. The family have also failed to ask and see what she would actually like to eat

The OP is just pissed off that nobody will be funding her daily luxury snacks that she can’t afford to buy herself.

If you want to not be hungry next week, you have options-:

speak to your in-laws and ask if their chef would get you in some food you like-fresh fruit, yogurt, bread, vegetables.

Take some stuff with you-cereal, crackers, wraps etc.

Go to a shop when you get there to buy some bits you can eat-you don’t need to use the kitchen to cook it. Ask to borrow their driver for half an hour or take a taxi.

Don't go.

What are you intending to do?

I don’t disagree with you.its just that the majority of us are very unfamiliar with the kind of set up she is describing.

could somebody clarify where this is? Where is it cheaper to order in than eat at home, and very common to do so? Apologies for my ignorance on this.

yes the chocolate bar was expensive but it was the same price as the other sweet treats I recognised, like a bakery selling pastries and cookies etc and of the sweet treats the chocolate bar was my favourite. So if I got a different snack it would have come to the same price.

What did they serve for breakfast. Must have had fresh fruit, yoghurt etc. or at least nothing spicy. Also interested to know which country this is.
I do think that when it is no work for you the hosts can ask the cooks to prepare some plain rice/noodles with fish/meat/ vegetables. Not good hosts

I've been in a similar situation, visiting in laws and extended family in their home country, and not liking most of the food.

There was usually local bread available, or bread-type product, I would eat that.
Sometimes we (H and I) would go to McDonald's (I know, but needs must!).
And I would buy chocolate bars and bags of crisps.

I would suggest packing some jars of peanut butter, some packets of long-life pitta bread, and some chocolate.
I would also risk asking for eggs for breakfast - good protein and filling.
And occasionally order a pizza. It might annoy them, but so what - they were annoyed last time but you got to enjoy some treats.

Imo his parents are being very rude by not providing at least SOME plain food for you. And your DP is not intervening and facilitating that for you.

So my other solution is - just don't go.

But this is the issue that you don't seem to be grasping.

You won't buy the chocolate yourself at home as it's too expensive, but you're happy to make your inlaws pay twice the price so you can order it off an app instead. It's just not a polite way to behave - especially when you say you won't eat food that's unhealthy as you need to know where it comes from, yet are seemingly happy to subsist on pure sugar for a week or more.

I never said she needed permission 🙄

Her DP should not be encouraging her to do something that it is not acceptable culturally.

I would make like I never got the message and do exactly the same. But I am a thick skinned bitch.

You still haven’t explained, after 30 pages, why you didn’t just buy ordinary food on the app if you were so hungry.

On the one hand you claim you were so starving you and to eat something; on the other you refer to “sweet treats” and “perks”. A perk is an agreed privilege or bonus on top of your pay - to be claiming it at your host’s expense, in a situation where they feel obliged to acquiesce from politeness, is really off.

I don’t disagree but OP is still responsible for her choices.

Maybe they dislike you rejecting all food from their culture. While the chocolate bar might get the same price, not choosing a bakery snack like they are choosing is another snub towards what they offer.

You only eat healthy food and were ‘so hungry’, yet given an app with actual meals on it, you chose to repeatedly ordered expensive luxury chocolate bars rather than any actual meals?!

I bet if you’d ordered pizza, starters etc, they would have been pleased. Just ordering imported chocolate is really rude.

This. I don’t think it’s about the money. It’s the constant rejection of local food and their hospitality making you come across as rude.

There was not one single local bakery snack you could have ordered if you really didn’t feel you could order a meal?

You’re being very defensive as if you’re triggered and have been in a similar situation yourself. Selfish, clueless people tend to see things from the same perspective and like to blame other people for their ineptitude. I’m not sure how being new to forums would be relevant here? Nice try, though.

@twentie So has your DP offered any explanation about this? Is he surprised by their message? Did he think you were too extravagant with snacks last holiday? Surely he knows the set up and why his parents are reacting like this. Perhaps as @Shinyandnew1 says, they were pissed off because you were ordering expensive chocolate whilst turning down their "unhealthy" food and they've had a year to stew on it.

Why do you think I am triggered?

Maybe because you get triggered yourself so quickly? You sound clueless, Clueless people tend to see things from the same perspective and make clueless assumptions.

Im not sure I’d marry an adult lacking any understanding of basic social nuance and so unwilling to accept the cultural norm to which they were exposed. But it takes all sorts I suppose

It’s Asia - why didn’t you ask for plain rice and plain meat or fish?

Ok, you sound pretty angry now. Take a deep breath. You’re also just tit for tatting and mimicking my points which is pretty unoriginal… It’s ok to disagree with people, you don’t have to go into battle every time, though.

You sound very young OP - I think you got starry eyed at the idea of expensive chocolate and juice on someone else’s bill and got carried away last time.
It is rude to visit another culture and stay in a persons home and basically reject every offer of local food as not to your taste. There is being gracious hosts by offering things, but also being taken advantage of - and you did take advantage.
If my son brought home someone who looked miserable the whole time, wouldn’t eat any of our food, wouldn’t communicate clearly any solutions and then ran up a big bill on imported stuff, I wouldn’t be looking forward to her next visit.

Sorry quoted by accident.

OP in the nicest possible way you need to take more responsibility for your own wellbeing. You can’t go and visit your DPs family without having money with you. You can’t expect to go again not being able to eat the food they provide. You should have already considered how you were going to manage this time without expecting to buy OJ and expensive chocolate daily on their tab. Even if they’d not said anything, you knew you felt cheeky last time and that you were starving the whole time.

You need to insist on a solution, and the most sensible and least cheeky is telling DP and his parents that you’re going to need to go to a supermarket when you arrive so that you and DP can pay for some groceries because you have a bland palette and sadly hadn’t been able to handle the food before. Try and be self deprecating so as not to be rude about the food. Then get yourself some bread, eggs and things that are easy to prepare. You say is it ok if I use the kitchen when it’s not busy to make this?

It is embarrassing that they’ve told your DP to make sure you’re not expecting £££ to be spent on chocolate daily, but better that than you turning up thinking you’re going to have your daily snacks and not making any other provisions