Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Op, this isn't about the cost, it's the waste. They wanted you to have what you wanted and still do. They recognised that the bars of chocolate are way more expensive there so thought it would be a good idea for you to buy them more cheaply and bring them with you. I'm assuming it's not because they want you to pay for them, just that they're a better deal in the UK. They probably haven't realised that you can't afford them in the UK.
The oranges are the same. They've found a cheaper way to give you what you want.
My dad is very wealthy but still hates wasting money. He'd be so happy to buy in anything that anyone wants but if there is a cheaper way of doing it, he'd prefer that. If i was ordering freshly squeezed orange juice, he'd spot that it was cheaper to buy the oranges.
Having said that, if there was a meal I wanted to order in, then he'd be encouraging that as it's not something that could be lying around at home.
I'd say your ILs are just like this.

They asked her to order food and she kept not ordering food

and they didn’t stop her , they didn’t ask for the money back, they didn’t say anything at the time out of politeness

I think the in laws are now keeping an eye on her out of concern that she is a gold digger.

Then her DP shouldn't have encouraged her to order then.

I do think the example with your mum was unreasonable and I know people just like that so I’m not arguing that is okay.

I do think this is a completely different situation. They offered her a range of local foods which she turned down. I think they probably felt pressured to find something she would eat as a guest in their home so offered use of the app. Instead of ordering something reasonable, she continued to snub the local cuisine and ordered a daily treat from her home country at a significant mark up. It’s just a completely difference scenario.

OP never order from the app, however much they offer. They are only pretending to be generous, not actually being generous.

Well yeah, I have said previously he should have spoken to the kitchen about making food she would eat. He sounds pretty useless.

It doesn’t matter how rich someone is, buying yourself orange juice and chocolate every day at their expense is CF.

They’re obviously from a generous culture. So they kept politely offering, and you should have politely declined.

It’s all very gauche OP.

Or just order like they do

cheaper stuff, less often, more food and less treats

things like pizza were available on the app yet you couldn’t get any food …

Exactly.

I don't think they did expect her to say no as it was the only way for her to get the chocolate bar that she eats every day.
Now they and her know how high the markup is on the only thing she eats (which from their perspective it does look like), the sensible thing to do would be bring it with her.

Great advice. The long game is to have a positive relationship with the ILs so this needs to be dealt with graciously

Absolutely not this is terrible advice.

• Don’t mention it
• Learn your lesson - drink orange from the kitchen & take your own chocolate bars
• Never use the app again

I think some of the responses here are projecting from their own experiences of parents-in-law or daughters-in-law...

It's very basic social knowhow to know that you don't take people at their literal word. I know that when my mother-in-law said 'help yourself to anything' she didn't actually mean anything. Imagine if I'd sat down with some champagne she'd laid down for an anniversary, and drank it all... I could hardly say in my defence 'but she said I could help myself to anything!'

Equally, I know that I've upset my MIL many times unintentionally - just as she has upset me.

But we are family now, just as this family is now OP's family.

The OP's situation is very 'drama triangle', which is why it's getting so many lively responses: there's the victim, the upbearers of the rules, and then the rescuer (who in this case was completely missing in action).

If the chocolate bar costs £7 there I wonder what that is in relation to costs of living and salaries.

No wonder you feel embarrassed, THEY have deeply embarrassed you, they should be ashamed of themselves! You have conveyed very well the situation when you were there, they used the app day in day out for themselves and their daughter's friends, encouraged you to order from it, not surprised you are now shocked that they obviously grudge you £10 a day! I think you need to take more than chocolate though, maybe some pasta or rice and cook yourself something if you can't eat enough of the local food. Or they preferably would ask you ahead of time what you would enjoy eating and get their chefs to make that. If they are that worried about the cost of freshy squeezed orange juice they could have been making that themselves long before now. I probably would find a fussy DIL annoying to be honest but would bend over backwards to ensure they would be able to eat at my home.
Your DH needs to explain to them how this has made you feel imo.

OP can you set up an account you pay for yourself on the app? That way you can enjoy a juice and chocolate bar daily.

It's not greedy to enjoy a daily juice and treat when away on holiday, anymore than it's greedy for them to order juice, cakes and coffees all day for themselves.

That way they can't complain and you get to enjoy treats too. Not just watch while they have their cakes, coffees and juices. Their offers for you to have treats too are fake, so don't fall for it again.

Maybe it’s what you bought rather than how much you bought? Maybe they felt it was a snub to their hosting for you to just want to order chocolate and juice and to not try to embrace their cuisine a bit more?
Having said that, they shouldn’t have kept asking if you wanted to order on the app if that’s how they felt.
I mean, if someone was a guest in my house (wouldn’t happen!), I’d probably tell them to help themselves and make themselves feel at home but I also wouldn’t then expect them to raid all my cupboards and eat all my chocolate!
Maybe they’re feeling similar? They offered but didn’t expect you to order as much/what you did? Does sound odd though.

You kind of need to read the thread before commenting, she won’t even buy it here at 4 quid, she’s certainly not going to buy it there at almost double/

I agree with this too. As much as I think they have been in the wrong, it is best to think of the long game OP. You don’t need a war with the in laws and this advice is the best way to handle this situation

Her DP did not have to be polite with her though. He kept encouraging her. If it is being a CF then DP should have stepped in to tell OP but he encouraged her.

Then DP should have spoken up. He is from the same culture yet encouraged OP to order.

Again you miss the point. Obviously they are not frugal but the things you order on the app are usually things not easily available at home. Like I would order a particular fancy coffee drink which is hard to replicate at home but not orange juice. And they haven’t said she can’t have juice, they are getting fresh oranges and she will have freshly squeezed juice.

Huh? She bears no responsibility? Seriously?her partner is encouraging her to order food on the app not chocolate. And she just kept taking and buying chocolate she won’t buy here, due to cost. But she was having it daily there as they paid and wanted to do it again.

some people really have no manners, this post makes it sound like the op doesn’t even need basic decency, if they offered she should just keep taking and fill her boots.

i think they have handled it incredibly well. Instead of pointing out how ill mannered this was, they have politely pretended she forgot to bring her own chocolate and asked her to remember to throw it in her case and said they have bought her oranges so she can continue to have freshly squeezed juice.

it was clearly a very big deal indeed. Most people would feel it was a piss take, and it shouldn’t be on the hosts to stop offering or tell someone they are being grabby and greedy, the guest should have enough manners they don’t force the host into that position,

OP’s not a child, it shouldn’t require her DP to oversee her manners. He was being too nice himself and trying to keep his slightly temperamental wife happy.

Yep.