Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Again her dp tried to tell her to order food. Not chocolate.

snd she’s an adult. You jist don’t keep taking like this. It’s basic manners. Ordering a couple of times sure, but not every day, if she won’t eat the food at home, she should have ordered food she liked on the app. Her reason for not doing so is she craved sugar.

which makes no sense, as she also tells us she was looking forward to going back and having these treats again.

It was the in laws and DP's choice to keep encouraging her to order from the app. Then it is no surprise she ordered with three people who keep telling her to order.

I think I’d find it really stressful hosting someone who wasn’t eating any meals. It sounds like they were trying to encourage her to order some meals on the app so that they could work out what she might actually like to eat. Instead it sounds like she existed on chocolate bars and orange juice. The chocolate bars probably cost as much as, if not more than an actual meal. I would have no idea what to do with someone that only ate chocolate and orange juice for a whole visit.

They were hospitable and let her order what she wanted last time so that she could eat, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to ask her to bring her own snacks this time. This time she knows in advance that she doesn’t like any of the local food. Ordering imported chocolate bars at £7 per go is clearly madness when she could bring some with her for significantly less money.

It sounds like they were concerned she wasn’t eating the dinners so wanted her to order meals. She has translated this as a holiday where she can order expensive treats that she can’t afford and is pissed off the gravy train has dried up and she’ll have to pay for her own special chocolate if she wants it.

They could see she was not ordering meals. So they could have opened their mouths and at least told their son. But everyone kept encouraging her to order.

Yes, exactly. DP should feel comfortable and know how to tell her that this isn’t appropriate. I agree it’s ridiculous that if she didn’t seem to be getting it that he didn’t (kindly) tell her outright as her DP.

It doesn’t sound like she knows her in-laws very well so I can see why they might not have felt comfortable asking her to lay off the chocolate. I think them offering the app could have been their attempts to ensure she was fed after she refused all of their food. They probably felt they needed to do this as a one off since she had already turned up without her own food but MIL is trying to ensure this time there is a plan in place.

If it was that stressful, they could have opened their mouths and told their son. Then worked with him regarding meals rather than keep encouraging her to order.

I can’t really believe what I’m reading here. You’re a fully grown adult, right? Your In-Laws are sending out mixed messages perhaps, but you’re an adult eating a kid’s diet and not taking control of your meals whilst in their home because you don’t like what they’re offering? It reads like a 7 year old wrote the original post!

Honestly it is OP’s wasteful spending that is the issue I think rather than the total value. Like I would order pizzas on an app in asia as pizzas are not usually sold in all supermarkets like here. But I would not order orange juice or an overpriced chocolate bar. It is called common sense. I am sure bread was easily available and same for eggs etc. I doubt there was nothing she could eat unless she is being really precious!

They've had no problem in speaking out now in a way that has embarrassed their guest, so should have spoken to the son during the holiday and said "I know we keep encouraging her to order whatever she wants but we don't really mean it"

@SummerPunch It’s very normal in lots of cultures, including our own, to offer a guest “anything you want” with the expectation that they will only accept what is socially acceptable.

Is it just me that is really curious to know which country this is? I'm intrigued!

OP wrote "I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee." They don't exactly sound frugal themselves.

OP would have been embarrassed however her unreasonableness was brought up

which I guess on some level means she knows she behaved badly

It’s hardly like she could get an alternative from home last time once she was already there. They probably weren’t expecting her to not eat any local foods at all and it’s not like you can pop home from Asia to stock up in Tesco. On a first visit, they might have been happy for her to keep ordering so that at least she had something to eat. The difference this time is that she knows in advance that she doesn’t eat any local food. I can see why they might have been happy to pay last time because nobody realised until she got there that she wouldn’t eat any meals, but ask her to bring her own supply this time.

I really think her DP needs to step up and communicate with his parents and the staff so that she can eat properly though. I just can’t believe that there is no way for her to get proper meals rather than existing on an orange juice and a chocolate bar each day.

Yes this is why I think she has fallen into CF territory. Her attitude has been well they are wealthy and I am their DIL so deserve to be treated.

It is one thing to expect a treat but not every single day.

She has also said she doesn't buy these things herself due to the cost which again makes it seem cheeky to order them in another country where they cost much more.

I think the in laws are now keeping an eye on her out of concern that she is a gold digger.

She was following their lead as she said "I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee."
It's like my mum offering my french exchange partner a cooked breakfast and then bitching about her when she accepted. Very two faced, whatever the culture.

I imagine they kept offering as they were using the app themselves - in front of the OP.

Honestly though, I would have found you to be a difficult houseguest. You sound very young and lacking in social graces and cultural curiosity. You keep mentioning their wealth and money too, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I would like to know which country in Asia you visit, because I struggle to imagine a scenario where nothing suited your palate, so you lived off expensive imported chocolate and orange juice instead.

Your DP doesn't sound much better, and he should have asked the chef to prepare dishes you normally eat, as you sound too meek to have done it for yourself.

Having said that, I would take their message of the oranges and bringing your own chocolate at face value. They are trying to accommodate your odd ways, but don't want to pay for them, which is their right. I don't see it as PA, they went along with it last time, but now your trip is coming up they are telling you that they have bought a juicer for your visit, but to bring the expensive chocolate you like with you.

I host a lot, fussy eaters and those who won't try anything that isn't beige can be really tedious to deal with.

My guess would be somewhere in SE Asia. The grab app is pretty ubiquitous in a lot of counties there.

That doesn’t mean guests are entitled to take advantage and order expensive stuff themselves!

Yes that's exactly what I was wondering - Grab is awesome!

Your In-Laws are sending out mixed messages perhaps,

Not perhaps, they did. Her own DP also encouraged her to keep ordering 3 people told her to keep ordering. No one indicated it was a problem.

Then her DP should explain rather than keep encouraging her to order.

Then they needed to stop offering her to order whatever she wanted. It's not generous to offer something and then bitch about the person accepting. It's making a show of being generous when you are not.

Then they shouldn't encourage her and her own DP shouldn't encourage her.