Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Maybe he was too embarrassed to confront her and didn't want to cause an argument in front of his parents.

I'm not sure why you're so keen to blame a man either - OP is an adult and should be able to figure out basic social etiquette on her own.

Stop explaining yourself. You were encouraged, your husband encouraged you. I'd be utterly fuming at being made to feel like a piss taker.

Your husband is the problem here. He knows you, he knew you were probably starving and is still not having your back.

Tell him to go alone and stay at home. You're not going to enjoy this trip and food is going to be more of an issue. It's not worth it

Your husband is a dickhead.

You can eat just a chocolate bar, OP! It sounds like they wanted you to order a meal you’d like, as they could very obviously guess you were hungry and not eating properly. Instead of doing that you ordered a sugary snack which cost several times over what it would cost at home, which is just silly honestly. Next time find out which local foods you so like and talk to them about it!

I am (I’m guessing) closer to the age of your PIL than you and I’d be super stressed hosting someone who refused to eat anything and subsisted on a choc bar instead. The grown up thing is to try new things and talk to your hosts about what you’d like to eat.

Order food and ordering snacks and expensive treats isn’t the same in my book

I actually find OP’s behaviour really disrespectful. She repeatedly says they are wealthy and can afford it. But spending someone else’s hard-earned cash is different to spending your own. They are probably horrified at your attitude to spending money you haven’t earned, and are worried about these values being inflicted on future grandkids. Probably trying to teach you a lesson. It’s crazy to spend all that money on something that can be made at home, or can be brought with you. Total waste of money that is not yours.

Don't lose any sleep,Op. It is so sensible for you to bring the cheaper chocolate and better to squeeze your own juice.

When you arrive tell the in-laws that you thought they liked you using the app. Laugh and agree and that it is wise of them to suggest cheaper alternatives.

Offer them chocolate each time you eat a piece.

He could have told her privately. No argument needed.

Maybe if they felt that disrespected, they would have tried opening their mouths and telling their son instead of everyone constantly encouraging the OP.

But she's not eating anything that the cook is preparing apparently! I am just imagining them trying to prepare for the visit, trying to work out what ingredients to buy, when they know she previously ate every little except for imported chocolate and orange juice. It sounds like they're being nice by making sure they've at least got lots of oranges in ready for her.

I do think it's quite insulting to the local culture to claim there's nothing you want to eat there except for oranges and imported chocolate. And if I had someone who did that visiting me I'd have no idea how to prepare, whether I had a private chef or not.

They should be bending over backwards to keep their daughter in law happy! It’s the least they could do! YANBU, OP

Then DP should make sure OP has enough to eat. They do not have to try and work anything out.

If you are incapable of telling your partner, his parents or the personal chef what you are prepared to eat, why couldn’t you just go to a shop when you were there and buy some healthy stuff you are prepared to eat? Where is this place? Surely they sell fruit? Crackers? Bread?

They probably think you are really taking the piss-you are a freelancer who doesn’t earn much, yet expects them to fund your expensive snacks!

Couldn’t her in laws just ask what she would like to eat. It sounds like she would be fine with chicken and rice so that can’t be too hard to accommodate

It sounds like OP doesn’t feel that she can access the kitchen to prepare her own food

“Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.”

bit odd to be looking forward to OJ and chocolate like that!

The in laws and her own DP should not have kept encouraging her to order then.

No

they should do what is considered normal but they should not be taken advantage of

whi here would order expensive menu items only when the in laws are paying and expect them to suck it up

OP how about you buy your own food that you would like to eat and then prepare it yourself in their kitchen? Would they consider this rude? It does seems a bit untenable that you have to subsist on snacks while you are there

My mum's like that. For example as a teenager I did a school French exchange. She offered the French guest a cooked breakfast which the girl accepted. My mum then went round bitching that the French girl "expected a full English every day." It's ludicrous that a French teenager would have that expectation but my mum will do anything for sympathy as she's addicted to it. It's very two faced to offer something you don't want to give.

I might take the bull by the horns with this one, accept that I'd got it wrong and be searingly honest (no hint of sarcasm):

"Oh, DMiL, DP passed on your message. Thank you for being so clear. I'm so sorry -I think I probably made a big error of judgement when we last came to stay. It seems I completely misinterpreted the situation with the app, and I think I may have inadvertently overstepped your expectation of what you and DFiL felt it would be appropriate for me to order.
I've talked it through with DP and understand the situation better now -thanks again for bringing it to my attention. I will definitely bring my own chocolate, and I really appreciate you buying oranges for when we come, such a kind gesture. I really look forward to seeing you in X month."

No offer of reimbursement for the oranges as it appears churlish, just accept the oranges as if it really is a thoughtful gesture you are gracious enough to accept despite feeling a bit crumpled about it. When visiting, and if offered the app, set yourself a limit for the number of times you'll accept (if you refuse altogether, you'll only look stubborn and childish) and say either "Oh thank you, I'll have whatever you're having, that looks lovely!" or "No, really, I think I over-did it last time (and smile like you mean it)." Don't ask what they'd recommend or what you're 'allowed' to order -you could easily find yourself in ambiguous territory again if they say: "How about one of those chocolate bars you like?" Should that situation arise, you laugh, say "Oh DMiL, thank you for offering, but really, I'm fine. I just didn't get it last time, I'm so sorry." Then change the subject.

And if possible, just suck it up with their food. Even if it's just plain rice, plain breads, vegetables or fruit. Plain curd? Nuts? But my DC are autistic and struggle with new foods so I understand it can be hard.

Then in laws should at least tell their DP instead of everyone encouraging her to order.

That’s what I thought!

Well they encouraged her to order food and she ordered treats - perhaps they hoped she would order a pizza instead ?

perhaps they felt embarrassed that they were being treated this way ?

Yes her DPs behavior was appalling. Absolutely he should have stepped in to stop her buying the chocolate bars and help her to find something else to eat. He should have been trying to facilitate relations and support her in navigating cultural differences and his own family’s norms! My husband and I are from different cultures and it seems obvious that if you like your DP this is what you would do.

But since he didn’t, I can see why his parents continued to offer the app as she wasn’t eating and it was too late for her to bring her own food. It was her choice to order expensive imported chocolate instead of something more sensible.

‘I’ve bought some bread and cheese, I just want to check it’s ok to make some
sandwiches in the kitchen’

If that is difficult, then ask her partner to help