Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

My guess is Tony’s chocoloney. £4 for a tiny bar!

Good hosting is about making your guests happy and comfortable. Not policing their food intake. OP’s spend was lower than other family members on the app so it is ungracious of them to single her out

No I didn’t, and as you saw she followed that sentence with we have very little money, so clearly it was a very low cost meal and gifts thay would not be remotely comparable to what she spent on imported chocolate.

and she’s still going on about how much money they have, Christ if I was her partner I’d be utterly disgusted. Her eyes are out on stocks with pound signs in them,

and the excuse of the staff don’t speak the language and she wasn’t offered doesn’t wash, she even says her own partner was trying to encourage her to order actual food, not the chocolate, she could easily have said can the staff make me x. She didn’t

she even tells us she was looking forward to going so she could order expensive chocolate and orange juice daily on their tab again.

My MIL told me to bring my own food / snacks mostly because I cannot abide her revolting cooking. At first I played along and took whatever I needed, now I just don’t go and I think it suits everyone well. Ultimately some are gracious hosts and others aren’t.

Why is it clearly a very low cost meal? She doesn’t mention the cost of the meal anywhere in her posts

And being a good guest is accepting the food that's made for you with good grace, not ordering overpriced imported chocolate and expensive fruit juice, and expecting your hosts to foot the bill.

Then why didn't her DP step in and stop encouraging her saying it is not appropriate? All three of them were encouraging her. They all understand and know the culture.

If she was the only one ordering I would say that she was being rude. But they encouraged her to use the app and she wasn’t spending any more than anyone else in the family on there.

She now knows that the family weren’t comfortable with her using it, but they did set her up to fail with their behaviour.

And when I have guests staying the first thing I will do is check what they like to eat so I have it in for them

I think often people who live in places where there is a stark difference in the cost of imported vs local products are hyper aware of the ‘bad value’ they offer. It’s not about the money - it’s an internal / local culture about what the ‘done thing’ is about them.

If their son has chosen to live life in your country / amongst your culture - there is probably also a piece of this which is about them feeling like their whole way of life is being rejected by you - even if it’s not conscious. And you choosing to avoid local foods might trip that feeling for them.

I might take a deep breath and try and let this one go. You presumably don’t see them very often, you love their son. take some of your own snacks, find other ways of engaging with their customs and culture - and take your husbands lead on whether to accept things they are pressing on you…

Then it is on the DP to tell her instead of encouraging her to order.

Then DP should have opened his mouth and used his voice and told OP instead of encouraging her to keep ordering.

£4 bars of Tony's are big. Eating one a day would make me feel really sick.

Intrigued by which Asian culture only eats deep fried food. IME Asian food is really good. Feels like OP is not very adventurous with food choices.

If you really won’t eat anything their personal chefs will make and aren’t prepared to have a conversation about what you will eat with your partner’s parents, aren’t prepared to fork out to bring your own overpriced (Tony’s Chocoloney) chocolate with you as it’s too expensive for you to buy, then I would suggest taking some food you CAN afford and WILL eat with you. Crackers, breadsticks, raisins, cereal etc

It feels like you fancy expensive snacks that you can’t actually afford and are pissed off that these people (who you have earmarked as loaded), won’t fork out for you any more.

I agree, but that doesn't negate the fact that she took advantage of their generosity - as a grown adult, she shouldn't need her partner to tell her that.

The in laws and the DP encouraged her to order.

They shouldn't offer if they do not mean it.

It’s what she was spending on

spending lots for a group of people’s actual dinner is hugely different to spending lots on treats just for yourself

spending lots for dinner when you would buy the same yourself any day is different from spending more than you would normally - it’s like ordering the most expensive meal off a menu only when you know someone else is paying

your DH seems to be unhelpful / I am sure he could communicate to the kitchen staff that he wanted to make you some plain rice and chicken ot whatever is easily available

The culture is different. It is her DPs role to advise her rather than telling her to keep ordering.

But OP says that the family will order themselves smoothies on the app daily. Smoothies are also an individual treat and are full of sugar

it looks to me that OP was taking their lead on how to use the app and now they have pulled the rug out from under her

But the dp did try to tell her, he was she says telling her to order food. Obviously he should have been clearer and said please stop, it’s taking advantage, but she says he was telling her to order food on the app, not the chocolate, but apparently she craves expensive chocolate when she’s hungry,

If I invited someone to my home and they were unwilling to eat any of the food prepared for them, unwilling to try any local food - and especially if they claimed they only liked simple, healthy food but then contradicted that by eating expensive chocolate every day, I might want them to bring their own food next time.

You could ask them which of their dishes are less spicy, which are more simple in terms of ingredients. Surely they eat fruit and vegetables in whatever country this is? Or just rice with veg, eg in Thailand a common dish is rice with egg, stir fried veg, it's not generally spicy and is a lot more healthy than a bar of chocolate? I'm trying to work out which Asian country this might be but I'm failing.

I suspect this is less about the app and more about the fact that they have no idea how to feed you.

Regardless of culture, a grown adult should realise they don't order expensive, imported chocolate everyday on someone else's dime

They have chefs! They are not cooking themselves.

Her silly DP could easily sort this situation out.

But if she doesn't for whatever reason then DP should use his voice and tell her instead of doing the opposite and encouraging her. 🙄

You sound a bit entitled. It doesn’t matter if they have money or not.