Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

But we did not tell our son at the time who kept encouraging her to order from the app so we have brought this problem on ourselves.

I would also be tempted to out petty them by not accepting a single thing from them on your next visit. They set you up to fail by pushing the app on you daily and then complaining that you used it

I agree if you want to smooth things over you need to learn to embrace the culture and to like some of their food. If you want to have children with DP this will be their culture too. Great idea to get familiar with traditional dishes at home so when you go you feel more comfortable and can try to find the foods you do enjoy.

It sounds like you didn’t make a great first impression but if you are able to embrace more of their food in future visits hopefully they will eventually forget about it. I agree DP also made a big error in not helping things to go more smoothly. He definitely should have stopped you ordering all that chocolate and helped find you something more acceptable to eat. He needs to massively step up next time.

My parents are asian and very wealthy. But they would not buy orange juice daily on an app or expensive imported chocolate. They would however buy the best quality oranges and the staff would make fresh orange
juice for whoever wanted it. And they also buy a lot of chocolate from the duty free when they travel abroad and have an exclusive dessert fridge which is full of imported chocolate to enjoy as they need. My sis/bil/parents all travel abroad with atleast one of them going abroad monthly so it is easily re-stocked. They would not waste money or pay double the price. This is the difference between people who are wealthy but have worked hard for it and for those that get it on a platter. They won’t waste and would see your behaviour as exploitative and silly. No one needs to buy juice daily when it is cheaper to make. And no one needs to eat imported chocolate when you can just as easily eat it after going back home.

But basic manners says you don’t keep taking; how can anyone get to adult hood and think it’s ok. And you’re not alone in thinking this, there are a few others on here as well. Who think if someone politely offers you can fill your boots, at no stage should you decline and say gosh you’ve bought so much, let me treat you today.

it really does explain all the cfs who take advantage.

fortunately I genuinely don’t know anyone in real life who does this other than the one couple who are my husbands friends as mentioned up thread, everyone else always takes turns, reciprocates and is always always careful not to take too much, but I can see from this thread there are a few people like yourself who think if its offered you can be as grabby as you wish.

They won’t waste and would see you behaviour as exploitative and silly

Then why did the in laws and her own DP keep encouraging her to order from the app?

If that is the case, then it was upto the DP to tell her the basic manners instead of everyone keep encouraging her and then criticising her.

Probably to be polite and because they were perplexed by her eating habits and didn’t want her to starve?

Because there are so many other things on the app, because she could have chosen something else. Becaude she could have had basic good manners and said no, or ordered something else,

genuinely agog at this attitude of its offered you just keep taking as much as possible.

Well, clearly OP's in-laws aren't in that category otherwise this thread wouldn't even exist

OP was rude. She turned down all their offers of local, home-cooked food and instead ordered expensive imported chocolate and fresh orange juice and didn't even offer to cover her costs.

I also don't think her MIL is being passive aggressive - she's sensibly setting a boundary so she doesn't have the piss taken out of her again!

If they were ordering other things they might have been offering politely. I am sure there are a lot of things available through the app. They might have assumed she would make better choices. Like there might be some other things which are difficult to prepare at home and also things which are good value to buy on the app which they use it for. Eg. My parents sometimes order a tea time snack called egg puff. It is hard to make at home and is time consuming as puff pastry is not easily available in local supermarkets. Also it doesn’t cost much and is a local delicacy. But they wouldn’t buy something like juice on the app as it would be less than half the price to make it at home. They haven’t said she can’t have juice,they are getting oranges so she will have fresh juice. The chocolate is cheaper in the UK so it makes sense for her to carry it from here and not pay double the price just because someone else is picking up the tab!

Because it's polite to offer, but that doesn't mean you take advantage and order expensive, imported food every day.

You’ve missed the OP’s update where she says she did bring gifts and she took everyone out for a meal

I totally agree! Nothing passive aggressive about it. She is just being sensible and saying bring the chocolate from there as we don’t want to simply pay double here. And we will organise for fresh oranges as your wife loves juice and she can have it daily. It is practical and not unkind. Some people take offence even when they are the ones causing it!

I’d never buy something from other people that I wouldn’t buy myself - so if you wouldn’t have bought the chocolate as it was too expensive for you I would apply the same rule to stuff I let them buy for me

We are wealthy. Household income circa £500k and high net worth.

If I had a house guest for a fortnight and they spent £10 a day on imported chocolate and orange juice running up a bill of £140 ish on chocolate and juice I would not be at all impressed no matter how many times I'd politely said "do use the app if there's anything you want which we don't have in the cupboards"

I'm baffled how people grow to full adults with no 'home-training', as my parents would call it. When yoi go to stay with folks - you offer something, not just take; you find something you can eat from what they offer; and you don't exhaust their kindness.
They won't see you starve on their home, but they're right for thinking you need direction.

Maybe by offering the app they thought she would chose items to make a meal with? They clearly thought it odd for her to not eat any of their meals and maybe they hoped giving the app would enable her to pick foods or ingredients she liked.

Honestly how old are you?! Such juvenile behaviour!

No one set OP out to fail except maybe her own parents who forgot to teach her basic manners. The inlaws are providing free stay and all meals. Over and above that for OP to keep ordering expensive things on the app was silly and very childish. Most adults look at the price of things and make an informed choice. If she had done it once probably no comments would have been made buy daily is a bit much! Also last time regarding the chocolate it would have been too late for them to do anything as she came with none. But they are planning ahead for this time and there is nothing wrong with that. Is OP just upset as she needs to buy her own chocolate and would she actually do the same if she was paying?!

Exactly - you don't go to someone's house, reject all their home-cooked meals, order expensive chocolate and fresh fruit juice and expect it to be paid for

@HazelMember

I agree the husband/son was an idiot - it sounds as if he wasn't paying any attention, and just retreating to being a child when he was at home.

The OP must be in her mid-20s. She's a grown adult! The mind boggles at her having the same chocolate bar every day, and also mourning her 'one treat' that she was looking forward to.

If she genuinely can't cope, then it would be more sensible for her not to go.

Misses point of thread but I’m trying to work out what the chocolate bar is haha please @twentie let me know xx

I would implore everyone to actually read the thread to understand the situation. One night OP’s SIL placed a food order on the app that was higher than OP’s total spend for the whole visit.

The family are setting her up to fail by inviting her to use the app and OP has been taking their use of it as a
guide which is completely fair. Why haven’t this family actually asked her what she likes to eat and got those ingredients in for her? That would be baseline level good hosting

@twentie

OP, were you actually eating nothing apart from chocolate plus orange juice while you were there?

Both items are high in sugar and the kind of thing someone feeling light-headed might grab for an instant 'boost'.

If you have difficulties with food of a kind which lead you to refuse to eat what the people you are with are eating, preferring to subsist on chocolate and juice, I would suggest asking your GP for guidance.

I get the impression that your dismay about your impending trip is the realisation that the option of refusing meals and quietly eating chocolate when alone isn't going to be made easier by having the chocolate delivered.

I think that you felt a comfort in knowing that you had everything arranged and are panicking because your eating plan isn't going to be possible.

Do ask your GP for help if this is the case.

I’d rather pay for a group of people to order food that is a meal and is going to fill them up, than imported overpriced chocolate!

Why did you downplay how hungry you were all week yet continue to eat sugary crap? Why gorge on massively expensive bars of chocolate and orange juice rather than go to a shop and buy yourself some bread to make a sandwich?! Something that might actually be filling!