Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

I would argue that this entirely depends on how they offered in the first place. Constantly making it seem welcomed, and encouraged, is different to a polite question. Also where was OP's DP in all of this? He should have stepped in and said something at the time, if OP's behaviour was coming across as rude to his parents.

And the prize for the craziest comment of the day goes to you.

Just because people have money, doesn’t mean they are happy to be taken advantage of.

It’s surprising how many people aren’t aware of that, as is evident by this thread.

I agree her DP should have stepped in and said something.

But I don't agree that it depends on how things are offered - as a guest you should know not to take advantage and buy overpriced imported snacks on someone else's dime.

Yep, quite a lot of CF's on here!

This-if you ‘only like healthy food’, ordering junk food seems like a bizarre choice! Why didn’t you go to a shop whose you were there to get some bread/cereal or something you would actually eat?

Yep so crazy. I'm guessing most people giving OP a hard time don't have Asian in laws. There is a cultural aspect to this scenario that is going over most people's heads. That's why I'm siding with OP. But if you want to insult me that's your call I guess.

I also find it odd that at no point during or since this holiday you said to your partner, ‘I feel really bad about ordering £7 chocolate and expensive orange juice for delivery-we could never afford to do that at home where it’s half the price, I feel like I’m taking advantage’ etc etc

You state you don't buy yourself as it would be £28 a week for that bar of chocolate but you happily spent £70 for a week of someone else's money!
You sound incredibly greedy and entitled! They were obviously offering to be polite. You can't expect someone to pay for you just because they have more money than you!

I’m not aware of it because if I offer to treat someone - the thing is I actually mean it.

if I said “order whatever you want” I would mean that and want them to. Because to me it is weird and abnormal to say and offer things you don’t mean then expect people to know you don’t mean it.

If someone was encouraging OP to use the app on a daily basis and other family members did the same for even more more I would suggest the in-laws actually may have a problem with the OP rather than anything else.

I think the "problem" is that OP took the piss. She ordered food she wouldn't buy at home as it's too expensive, but was happy for her in-laws to buy it for her even though she knew it cost almost double the amount.

You may say "order what you want" and have no issue with people ordering the most expensive steak dinners or bottles of champagne, but most people wouldn't actually accept that offer because they know it would be taking the piss out of their hosts to do so.

It doesn’t matter how much money some people have, they will never have generosity of spirit. These people are not generous and I’d say they are mean spirited.
take your own treats and only agree to take basics from them. You can never win.

I think there's a lot of cultural nuance here that is getting missed. It is extremely normal in many Asian cultures for hosts to be very generous, welcoming, perhaps excessively so by Western standards. And to say no, to turn down that generosity, is often interpreted as losing face, it's considered rude, whereas here it's seen as polite.

For the MIL to bring this up a year later, is rude and passive aggressive. OP's partner needs to step in and tell his mother as such. He needs to set a boundary here. The in laws are in the wrong. Not OP.

That’s ridiculous. They have been crazily generous but nobody likes to be taken advantage of. And ordering every day indulgent treats - rather than real food- is just ridiculous.

If you offer to buy someone a drink and they order champagne, what would you think? And if they do so every day?

The in-laws probably thought OP was rude and cheeky to not eat anything the chef cooked because she liked healthy food but then snack on expensive imported chocolate and juice she ordered every day!

@twentie: your husband should have resolved this at the time, and also been much more careful and considerate (to both sides) in how he communicated this to you - which they possibly assumed he would do. You should be much, much more annoyed with him.

You seem to be assuming that a 'private chef' is equivalent to what it would be in moneyed London, where the chef has been to culinary school.

As a few posters have said - it sounds as if they live in a city where it would be selfish not to employ domestic staff when wages are low and poverty rates so high. It's partly a social obligation to the poor, that isn't 100% chosen, and is felt as an expensive commitment.

The company with 200 workers: it really depends whether these are casual labourers or high-skilled tech workers. The turnover could still be quite low if the former, and the company could be under strain either way.

So, yes, they may have income, wealth, social position and spent heavily on excellent education for their children, as well as investing in 'nice things' that hold value and can be bequeathed. It doesn't mean they are plutocrats.

I suspect they were offended that you turned your nose up at everything they provided for you. Tbh, I would have just eaten some of the food. You didn't like any of the home made stuff so they ordered you in chips and you still wouldn't eat it. They offered for you to choose something yourself and you chose over priced chocolate everyday.

Surely you can see why this was a bit exasperating? Especially there's cultural differences too. It seems a bit disrespectful.

I can see why they would prefer you brought your own chocolate.

I also get why you're embarrassed. Get DH to chat to them about it.

I would have thought that they were offering as that's the polite thing to do and you don't take advantage like you did, that's not good manners.

Peollw can dress it up as 'cultural differences' doing what the op did in any culture wpuld be odd so I would love to hear in which culture it is perfectly normal in?

I'm surprised OP hasn't discussed with DP. There are several countries where its cheaper to have a chef who buys the raw ingredients from the market. £7 probably fed the entire family.

OP, you said you were starving but they offered chips. I can see why they could be confused if you declined as it wasnt healthy yet ate only chocolate. Also re smoothies, depends what they made of, probably very cheap if made using local fruit. What is the local fruit? What did you order when you went out for a meal?

Anyway, perhaps with your DP you could explore less spicy options of their cuisine before you go and then DP could ask chef to prepare that?

It’s not ridiculous. It’s my opinion based on having known people like these.
to ask a guest to bring their own bar of chocolate is mean

Honestly regardless of how wealthy they are a £6 chocolate bar every day is taking the proverbial.
I have an insanely wealthy relative, when I go and stay they give me their Ocado log in to add a few bits to their shop, I wouldn’t dream of adding expensive luxury items I wouldn’t buy myself

Did your DP not explain the culture to you? Why did he keep encouraging you to order?

Is he not embarrassed? Why are you not angry with him?

OP, you said:

"The foods over there, I have no idea what the ingredients are."

Could you order a recipe book from Amazon for this particular cuisine before you go away? I'm sure that if you mentioned something you liked the look of, they would have it made for you.

I can't help thinking that you are really missing out by refusing to eat the local dishes. It's one of the great joys of travelling.

Which country is it?

Families are their own cultures for a start and it's just hard learning another family's ways, whatever they are.

It's not unlikely that the in-laws feel a bit like this:

She's difficult to host. She does not eat normal food - not even rice, bread, fresh fruit. She seems easily-upset, with a delicate stomach, and looks disgusted at our favourite meals. She consumes expensive imported treats every day - within a fortnight, this cost the equivalent of a fifth of an office worker's monthly salary, or a third of what a manual worker would earn in a month. For that amount, we could have paid half a year's tuition at a budget private school for the cook's youngest child. We feel guilty about this.

She has no stable income, though had an excellent education and could be building a more traditional career. She and our son are trying to buy a flat and have a child, but she has no idea what things cost. She assumes that when we take our turn at hosting our daughter's friends, this is 'normal everyday consumption' rather than something we have to do occasionally because it's our turn. We need to have a plan before the next visit.

We are a little worried that she fundamentally misunderstands customary restraint and reciprocity. We are not singling her out - these are just the social rules that the rest of us have to follow. She thinks we don't like her... we do, our son is clearly happy. But if visiting as part of the family every year, she will have to realise that last year was a one-off. Money doesn't grow on trees.