Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

I don’t know OP. I think it was quite cheeky to be ordering yourself marked up chocolate and juice every day because you knew they were paying.

Using the app from time to time because you’re hungry or need something is very different to spending just for the sake of it. You wouldn’t ordinarily eat that much chocolate but it seems once you knew someone else was paying, you decided to indulge. And especially for something that is non essential and is almost double the price than here.

Sounds like they were being welcoming and hospitable by insisting you use it whenever you want and you went a little bit too far.

And being wealthy doesn’t mean being happy to throw money away.

I don’t know how you’re going to bring chocolate with you to a hot country? Surely it would melt? Maybe they got the bill and were shocked at how much it came to, just for chocolate and orange juice?! I personally wouldn’t have asked for imported stuff, no matter how rich they were. Rich people are notoriously tight! Perhaps choose a local chocolate or say no thanks when they ask if you want anything as they didn’t really mean it. Did they ask your husband if he wanted anything? Did he accept or decline? I agree they shouldn’t have kept asking you, knowing they didn’t want to really. It’s very confusing behaviour. Surely after the first time someone who regretted it would never ask again?!

Except it is cheeky to go and visit your partners family, order yourself expensive imported chocolate and fresh orange juice everyday and expect them to pick up the bill, no matter how wealthy they are.

If I'm staying with someone I pay my own way if we're eating out and I give a present. I may pay for a meal for my hosts as well, but I don't think it's compulsory if I'm paying for my own food.

However, my point here is that YOU OFFERED all these things and then seem annoyed when they were taken up. If someone came to stay with me rib-eye steak would just never be on offer.

The fact they got oranges in to make your orange juice seems like they are kindly trying to accommodate you, not be rude. Imagine if you had a house guest and despite your best efforts to provide a wide spread of food options they ate very little except of one specific sweet from their own country that you could only order them via Deliveroo. If you posted this in the reverse, everyone would be telling you that your house guest was rude/ungrateful and should have brought their own food if they can’t eat the British staples.

Cost aside for the chocolate bars, your behaviour probably made them feel uncomfortable. Maybe they are anxious now about hosting you as they are aware that you seem to dislike all of the food they’ve tried to provide you. If you are so fussy it makes sense that they would ask you to bring some of your own to make sure you have something to eat! Now that you know what happened last time, were you not planning to pack some of your own provisions anyway? Even if they were happy to continue to buy you a chocolate bar each day, surely you’d prefer to have a range of healthier snacks rather than subsist on chocolate bars?

I mean I like very simple foods that are very healthy and don't enjoy eating food that I don't know what it is and the ingredients and health.

Perhaps they took issue with the fact that you wouldn’t eat their food because it wasn’t healthy enough, yet ate a ridiculous amount of chocolate because you ‘craved the sugar’

Why not just go to the shop and buy yourself a load of snacks to put in your room?

Your DP doesn’t sound great if he was letting you go hungry.

He should have told his family and chef that you need something less spicy.

He was also encouraging you to use the app and should have offered to pay for the things you both ordered.

You keep saying how much money they have - this isn’t the issue.

It was your greed that was the issue - you went silly buying a ridiculous amount of expensive chocolate (that you admit you don’t even buy at home) just because they were paying.

I doubt they expected you to order the items for every single day.
A treat is occasional not a daily item.

People are actually making this into a much bigger thing than has actually happened.
OP hasn’t been told she was rude, or greedy or tight.
Her in-laws have simply said when you come why don’t you bring the UK chocolate you eat every day and also I’ve made sure the chef has oranges to make you your juice every day.

Would you have left out a four year old when you bought your dc an ice-cream? The rib eye was chosen from a restaurant menu and I thought it interesting that the most expensive item was chosen.

In my world it's customary to offer guests what you are having and to include them but it's also customary for guests to occasionally offer to get those coffees, or that round of wine. Or even occasionally to offer the ice-creams.

it doesn’t say they are. She refers to a MIL, but also to a DP.

Their wealth isn’t justification for you to treat yourself at their expense though. I can see how it looked like you were taking advantage.

Isn't sisters a bit different though?

I think in OP's situation, her DP should have stepped in and offered xyz to show appreciation. You do tend to follow your DP's lead when visiting and staying with their family, after all.

A relationship between two sisters is a little different - you are both equals in many ways, and it's also easier to speak up (or it should be, if you get on well).

Ok I’ll try to come up with an explanation for their odd behaviour. I would feel offended and embarrassed too OP. Your husband deffo needs to have a word with them about it.

But could it be that they are trying to teach you ‘savvyness’? Even though the chocolate was cheap compared to their bills, it’s not economical buying imported goods.

Especially if you could buy the same chocolate bar for way less once you’re back home? And as they were thinking how they could instill ‘business acumen’ in their DIL they maybe also thought: man, also daily fresh juice is much cheaper if you press it yourself.

I bet that they’d not bat an eyelid if you would have spent local treats. I think it’s the overspending on import duties that got them.

And as they’re rich they probably started worrying that you might ‘fritter’ away their fortune later on?

I think this is what happened. And if you want to set things straight a savvy shopper discussion would help?

OP you did nothing wrong. They are super wealthy, loved to flaunt their riches, and made a display of generosity to you because you were new.

Now that the shine of welcoming a new person into the family has vanished, they are dropping the friendly welcoming act and you are seeing the real in laws. Not the fake friendly nice ones you got last time.

I'd be just as motified and upset as you. They literally created a situation in which you believed ordering snacks from this app was perfectly ok. That's on them, not you. I don't like this sudden stinginess - it all feels a bit manipulative to me. They could have just as easily not offered to pay for things on this visit instead or ordered in some chocolate and juice so as not to make a big deal of it. I don't like how they have not thought about how you might feel here.

Not sure what the answer is but I'd be really reluctant to have them pay for anything in case they ended up throwing it back in my face later. I think your DP needs to step in here and let them know that they misled you before, and not to do that again. This was their misstep, ultimately, not yours - so the awkwardness you're feeling needs to go bsck to them, not you.

What am I even reading, flaunt their riches? 😄 you actually sound so jealous you’ve actually lost sight of what was posted and created a different narrative.

If they're offering it continually, it's confusing though.

Erm what? Where did you get that from? I was just explaining one possible perspective, based on OP's description of them.

Yes exactly. This is where i think there was some "let's be great hosts" is coming in. They expected her to say no, despite being super generous. Which is a bit confusing!

This. You could’ve done it the first day and thanked them but then declined when they offered again.

It’s like when someone takes you for a meal. They say order what you like, but you never order the most expensive thing. You go by what the host orders and order similar in monetary value. It’s just a type of etiquette that I guess is quite nuanced if you’re not aware.

The polite thing would have been to check with your husband/other family what they would order and be guided. You say Asian so that’s a broad spectrum. Many countries have their own etiquette and culture that you’d do well to read up on.

It doesn’t bode well that you don’t seem to embrace any of your partner’s culture or food. You will need to make more of an effort as you say you’re planning on children.

I wouldn’t expect someone else to pay for something that I couldn’t afford and found too expensive myself. Just because they are very wealthy it doesn’t mean that you should take the piss.

Why is it you do not understand that someone else's wealth does not mean that you can be greedy, grabby and entitled?

This isn't a culture thing, this isn't a wealth thing, it is just basic good manners and being respectful.

You do not fill your boots on some else's dollar.

It's really not confusing.

The in-laws offered because it's polite to offer your guests whatever they want, but as the guest, you need to have the awareness to know when you're taking advantage and learn to say no, or to offer to cover your share - especially when you're buying overpriced imported chocolate on someone else's tab.

You do not fill your boots on some else's dollar.

This is exactly it.

Honestly they probably didn't expect you to order it everyday that's a bit rude when someone else is paying the bill

I also think it was rude to order expensive chocolate and juice yet reject the food offered in the house.

It sounds a odd justification of I only like plain food and to eat healthy, yet to order chocolate every day instead!