Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Even for a two week holiday the chocolate bars would cost you £56. That's worth it to save this stress.

I don't think its that rude to ask her to bring her own chocolate - they probably think is a waste of money to pay for chocolate that's been imported in rather than just buying it at home where its cheaper and bringing it with her.

Is your partner not able to explain the cultural nuances here?

You couldnt afford the chocolates here of course⁰ it will be very expensive there .They were indirectly saying your greedy.Just because they allowed it the first time ,didnt mean you could do it everyday .You fell into a trap which is very unkind of them.Their wealth is theirs not yours dont compare yourself other wise youll feel hurt learn to appreciate what they eat .You cant be having juice and chocolate .
Spend your own money make sure your other half steps up and gets what you need .Get over this otherwise youll make yourself unhappy .Not worth it
Did you and partner offer to take them out etc did you help in any way when you were there these are cultural expectations regardless of the wealth you seem to go on about.

Sorry but you're making excuses now. All you had to do was ask your DP, who presumably does speak the language, to enquire what certain dishes are made from or ask for a plain dish/s for you.

I appreciate it is a stressful situation staying with people like that - I really dislike it. However, it sounds like you behaved with them like you wouldn't behave with other people or yourself because you decided they can afford it and you are entitled to it - i.e. spending that much at that mark up on chocolate. It is not your family, not your money, and you haven't earned their respect by marrying their husband. It would be far better to be independent there generally, maybe don't stay with them, order your own food. And when you occasionally do accept their overtures to use the app, which I would for politeness, order local food as similar as possible to what they are eating.

OP, it’s like ordering in a restaurant when someone else is paying - first see what they are ordering and then get something equivalent or cheaper. Probably fine if you’d ordered a nice chai but £12 on snacks understandably didn’t sit well. Do not compare what you order with what their own daughter orders - you are an in-law. In my country we have an unkind expression which translates roughly as “used to nothing” in the sense of socially unsophisticated. You don’t want them to think that you don’t understand their culture. Buy your fancy chocolate for your trip and a whole lot for them too (even if it really hurts the budget) and present it to them graciously and apologise as humorously as possible for the misunderstanding. You can’t afford to not fix this - they are your in-laws after all.

Wealthy people are often savvy with money (especially if it is self earned) so it probably makes sense to them for you to buy the chocolate at home and bring it so money isn't wasted on import taxes. Same for the orange juice, if they have staff who will squeeze oranges being paid anyway. So they may seem free with their money but that doesn't mean they are profligate. It makes no sense to order one chocolate bar a day to be delivered when you could bring a box of 10 with you for a fraction of the price.

Maybe you're right about the orange juice, it was unclear! And yes I do agree it doesn't sound great that OP is 'taking advantage' by ordering something she wouldn't pay for herself. But it really does sound like this was actively encouraged by the hosts so I can see why she feels embarrassed now. For me, the issue is more about the performative, over the top 'hospitality' and then making her feel embarrassed about it later. That's what's weird to me!

Go to a supermarket when you get there and do a food shop like you normally would.

OP why are you even going to visit them? I wouldn’t bother. Oh and my wealthy but normal in-laws would pay for my flight which is a lot more expensive than a daily chocolate bar!

I think it's still kind of rude if they are happy spending more money on things ordered by others, it doesn't really seem welcoming or friendly. But cultural differences can come across that way so, as I said, if her DH thinks that's the situation he may be able to make her feel okay about it (and come up with a better solution for food for her while she's there).

I would go with humility and apologize. Both sides sound fair enough, I don't think you did anything wrong but I would still tell them I'm mortified as thought it was ok. I would also take a gift for them.

Food dislikes however I have no sympathy with, you're a grown up. Food dislikes are for children. I'm sure there are non spicy dishes.

I would think they are reacting to your rejection of everything they eat as a rejection of them/their culture.

So I think they are being dicks about the chocolate because they are judging you for acting as though their general food is beneath you.

The only thing that matters here is your husband’s take, does he also think your food behaviour is weird or does he think it’s normal and they are being mean?

If you go again (and it isn’t compulsory to do so) then bring your own snacks, don’t use the app and try to eat some of their standard food - I’m sure you’ll survive it.

Perhaps they are offended that you don't like any of their food. I agree that this is not about money . They may feel you are being aggressive by not eating proper meals and living on chocolate, rather than graciously accepting what they give you.
If you had allergies you would have to stand your ground, but since it's just not to your taste it looks rude to keep refusing it. I f they came to you, would you cook them food exactly as they like it?

It depends on how badly off the sister is. Posters on here don't seem to get that it doesn't matter if you are getting free board, you still can't afford to eat/drink out. You still can't afford even a take-away for everyone. Posters often invite poor relatives, then get upset when they aren't turning up with flowers and chocolates, not getting the guest can't afford to buy any extras.
OP, they probably wanted you to buy actual food, especially as your DH was encouraging you to do so. I'd be a bit puzzled at your behaviour tbh. I'm limited in the Chinese and Thai people I know, but they eat proper ingredients (even if deep fried insects) and not things like a chocolate bar, in place of food. They want to cater for you and thought that the app solved the problem, but in their heads it didn't and I'd guess that they picked up on your hunger. It's been a culture clash over food and you haven't helped, with your martyr behaviour.

You like eating healthy food so choose a chocolate bar each day 🤣...can't find a single healthy thing to eat in that country? Surely they have fruit and vegetables etc. You sound very fussy not liking any food at all.

Whilst they do seem odd insisting you order stuff and now making a thing of it, it's very rude to take the piss. The fact you wouldn't pay for it at home and are happy for someone else to pay double for it is laughable.

Agree. Just because someone can afford it and is getting it for themselves, doesn't mean you're equal.

Good manners should have been to take one or two and refuse the rest/pay.

Your DP bringing it up also seems like a veiled prompt to you.

Like PP mentioned, you come across as tight.

In this situation, my DH would have not told me, but bought the treats himself for me.

A different take is if they have other DILs who pay their own way and thus highlighted you should too.

We’re pretty wealthy and will happily order food to be brought to us, and offer the app to our guests to choose what they like, but if I had a guest who kept ordering really simple things (OJ and chocolate) I would definitely make sure I just had those in the house for next time they came.

That doesn’t mean I resent you ordering those things, that’s fine, but it’s silly to spend so much on them on the app when it’s really easy to have those in stock at home.

It feels like better value to order actual meals on the app, things you couldn’t so easily have at home or don’t want to bother making. If you’d spent more on the app but on ordering things like pizza (that maybe their staff don’t know how to make?) then I doubt they’d have said anything about it.

So I think don’t feel embarrassed - they’re just trying to be sensible, I doubt it’s really about the amount you spent.

On your next trip get DP to be clear with them that you only like plain western food, and have a conversation with them about what that is! Tell them you have tummy troubles if you have to. And then if they offer you the app just go ahead and get proper meals you will like.

This is not your fault at all. You were basically set up to fail.

Sounds like the issue could have been with what you were buying and the fact they didn’t see it as good value. £7 is a lot for a single imported chocolate bar, maybe they would have been happy for you to spend the same amount on a smoothie and cooked meal as they would see it as good value but think spending £7 on something you can get for half the price back at home as excessive. Buying food made locally helps the local economy, buying imported stuff not so much so again this could be part of their issue with it.

Anyway it sounds like you don’t really like them so maybe just skip the trip next time?

Oh, bollocks though. They are very wealthy, use this app for themselves and their guests for far more expensive things every day and have a private chef. If they were nice, normal people, they would ask you for some examples of food you enjoy and pass it to their chef.

They are being very odd, OP, and I don’t wonder you are feeling embarrassed. It seems to me there are two options here. One, your DH asks them what they’re playing at; two, you go and accept you will be eating food you don’t like (how long do you stay? Maybe I missed it) and three, you say you cannot make the trip.

Have you read Op's posts? It's wasn't cheeky for Op follow her hosts' lead in this. They lead a ridiculously privileged and extravagant lifestyle and invited her to do as they do. She was pretty restrained with her orders of juice and chocolate.

Maybe in their culture this amount of chocolate seems greedy, perhaps it wasn’t the app use but what it was used for that’s the problem.

I definitely think your husband needs to mediate here to explain cultural differences and ensure there’s some proper food for you to eat.

DP says that although they are very wealthy, they don't like spending on anything that is consumed. He also encouraged me to use the app which put me at ease

So then blame your DP then.