Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

DP says that although they are very wealthy, they don't like spending on anything that is consumed.

What do you mean? All the things they order (or let others order) are "consumed"

I don't normally have a chocolate bar a day and orange juice, but when I'm hungry I crave sugar.

It really wasn't an option to cook. I could go int he kitchen, but the staff are in there, they don't speak the language and I feel like I am in a strangers kitchen.

I really don't enjoy the food. The private chef doesn't take requests or if they do, I wasn't asked. DP said they just cook a spread for everyone. The parents knew I struggled with the food and just encouraged me to try lots of different things until I find the food in their culture I like. But I quickly became miserable because it's just not to my taste.

I did try alot of their food, but it's very spicy and not at all to my taste.

They are self made and didn't have financial help from their parents and they want us to make our own way.

They would rather spend £10k on a handbag than £10k on a holiday because you still have the handbag at the end of the day.

If someone visited me, didn't eat any of the food I had, so I offered to let them use my Uber Eats and they just ordered a snack from home every day at a huge mark up, I think I would suggest they just bring that snack with them next time.

I just don’t understand why your husband kept encouraging you if he knows what they’re like. I’m with you though, how were you to know they didn’t want to buy it if they’re so rich, use it daily and kept encouraging you? Tbh I wouldn’t go back

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I don't think these are unreasonable requests, or even mean they had an issue with your use off the app last time. Many self-made wealthy people are sensible with money (particularly within some cultures) and to them it makes more sense to buy the chocolate in the place it's cheaper and they saw you liked orange juice so have got oranges for you.

This is really irrelevant, you seem judgemental of how they spend their own money?

Doesn't there culture have any sweat treats that aren't spicy you could have eaten?

I think OP posted this in relation to someone asking what she meant by the in-laws preferring not to spend money on things that can be consumed (i.e. food or holidays). She hasn't posted it randomly the way you're implying.

And I think in general she seems judgemental of how they spend their money. Way before being asked that she said

They bought a £5k guitar because they wanted to learn one song...So for a couple that wealthy mine would have probably felt really inexpensive. about £10 a day to keep their DIL happy

I don't care how they spend their money. A few people here have suggested they aren't wealthy so I am illustrating why I don't believe that to be the case

That's good!

Maybe they were thinking "bloody hell, the only thing this strange English woman will eat is one specific chocolate bar and fresh orange juice. Guess we better make sure she has that next time she's over so she's not reliant on us doing app orders."

By the way, it would be good to loosen up about trying new foods with an open mind. If there was a buffet and they knew a fussy westerner was eating with them, Id find it hard to believe that everything on the table was spicy.

I have Asian family exactly the same (who have staff). It’s common sense that they’d buy in the oranges for their staff to make your fresh oranges every day. It’s also common sense for you to bring the expensive imported chocolate you like.

The only odd thing, is the fact you ordered exactly the same thing every single day via the app. They probably kept offering thinking you might want different things and they’d know what to buy in for next time.

I can’t believe there wasn’t anything on their menu that you didn’t like .

I don't think you need to be embarrassed, I do understand why you feel that way, but from everything you've said this is just the very weird way rich people think. An expensive guitar or designer handbag doesn't loose value, so they haven't really spent anything, they've invested it, compared to a £50 bag or £500 guitar that will break and loose value over time. If you bought a £40 chocolate bar for £20 they'd probably think that was great, but you got a £4 chocolate bar for £6 and they just saw a cheaper option, they are probably completely oblivious to how they made you feel. Next time just order yourself a proper dinner, then you're fed and it's not frivolous spending and they'll know to get in something more useful than oranges if they don't want you ordering food in the future. I would have a word with your husband though, he needs to be the one helping you find a compromise so you're getting food that's not too spicy for you.

That’s madness. You continually offered hoping she’d say no?! How are people supposed to know where they stand with that attitude?

i think if the sister had offered to pay for something even once, @TheyGrewUp wouldn’t be feeling so annoyed.

I think there's a flaw in your conclusion there.

Yes.

Is it possible that your favourite chocolate isn't available there any more, OP, and that's why they asked you to bring your own?

The sister is not well off but had flown a great distance with her children to visit. The host said she is much better off. I think it's pretty illogical to assume that because the sister had flown all the way she must have even more money to spend. That's not how subtraction works.

It's also illogical, and unreasonable, to expect others to read your mind, and hear, "I can't believe you're going to say yes to wine/ ice cream/ dinner on me", when what is said is, "Do you want wine/ ice cream/ dinner on me".

Weird culture where people comment on each other’s body like this especially cellulite.

It is really easy to find the name of a dish, look it up online, and see the ingredients.

It might also be possible for you to eat only the starch component of a meal - rice, flatbread, etc.

Do you know what goes into a chocolate bar?

Do you have some issues around eating?

£10 a day for 10 days will be £100, it’s not that much to spend ( if you’re wealthy) on a DIL who has flown 10000 miles to see you. I am from Asia, my family is not wealthy but they have would spend that much in these circumstances.

Domestic staff are not necessarily an indicator of extreme wealth in Asia. Labour is cheap there.

If they're generally unkind, tell your partner to go by himself and you stay home.

If they are usually kind, just pack some chocolate bars and chicken nuggets in your bag and go. The awkwardness will pass.