Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Why do you ask when you don’t want her to say yes?

Also, UK is more expensive than Asia. All the food your SIL and her child are consuming in a day is going to be more than £10.

If you are talking about grab, imports or foreign foods plus the usual app fees make it much more spenny than if you were getting local food.

of you want fresh orange juice is just go for a walk and get it maybe it’s more about stuff you can’t make at home and not foreign treats.

She has no issue with cultural difference, it’s the MIL text asking her to bring chocolates made her embarrassed.

It is a culture difference. I was told I have cellulitis and have to hit the gym once. Did I get embarrassed? Nope, it's useful feedback and I did hit the gym more (mind you in used to comments like this in my culture too). Just have to laugh it off and move on. Bring your own chocolates? I would and I would bring 5 extra packs for the family instead of being embarrassed.

Mind you I would bring half a suitcase of presents to make a good impression... Again culture differences...

They are idiots. Why pressurise you to do one thing then backpedal and almost make out you were helping yourself. I think if you had said no (and frankly why would you!?) it would have looked ungracious like you were rejecting their hospitality. I don't know the ettiquette of their particular culture but with Irish relatives and friends in Italy they would be mightily offended if they couldn't constantly treat you.

See this from your in-laws perspective. You bought a £7 chocolate bar a day on there money when at home you dont ever buy the same bar at £4.

Im sure when they thought oh she loves this English chocolate and we can only get it on this app, they obviously accommodated it. But if they know say 10 days of bars would cost £40 in the UK and £60-70 on this app its reasonable to suggest you bring your own. Especially if you gave the impression this is a daily indulgence. Tbh i dont know how you had the cheek to spend £6-7 of someone else money daily on 1 bar of chocolate. Especially when you wont buy it at the cheaper price at home with your own money.

But if they get the impression you have this daily and its so much less here its reasonable to ask you to bring it so they dont have to pay double.

And if theyre all ordering freshly squeezed orange theyre right a juicer is a better financial option. And whats your problem, you can still have the juice?

For all you know their own finances might need tightening

I think its a nasty thing to say you dont want to go now they arent buying you treats you dont want to buy for yourself

Sounds to me like they were being sarcastic. People often weaponise food and I find it strange and confusing. I remember having Christmas at my in laws and they had a basic tin of biscuits which they kept telling me to help myself to. We were there a couple of days and when we left there were still biscuits in the tin. However apparently I ‘ate all their biscuits’ Now I think that’s appallingly stingy and I’ve never heard of anyone just buying one tin of biscuits when they have people to stay at Christmas but there we are. I’m divorced now and will never see them again thank god.

I thought that too.

My family weaponises food if they didn't hit it off well with someone

They sound like arseholes who are trying to belittle you. Have you failed to produce a grandson by any chance?

Why did you not just download and use the app yourself.

No matter how much somebody offered I would never use their Food Delivery app. Lesson learned for you, the in-laws are happy to make the offer, but they assumed you would say no and were surprised when you took them up on it.

I can see why you feel embarrassed. I would respond honestly, saying you feel mortified and did not intend to take advantage as they had offered, but sorry if it caused a problem.

Did you cover any meals, snacks, flowers, days out when you were there?

Well yes please and thank you would have been nice.
Happy for her to say yes but similarly, I would not, in a million years, accept ten days of hospotality because I wanted my child to see London and a fully paid trip to Center Parks without dipping into my pocket a few times.

They also didn't visit from Asia and I didn't say they did. She's English so no cultiral clash either.

Try not to worry about it. Bring your chocolate and maybe bring a chocolate orange(as a novel hybrid!) to share with them as a thank you for sharing the app last time and to break the ice.

I'm sure no upset was meant by anyone so just try to get back on the right foot and move on.

In many many Asian cultures:

• the host offers the entire world, and the guest has to politely refuse many many times before finally ‘reluctantly’ accepting something.
• regardless of wealth, some things are generally not considered ‘good value’ eg a very rich family might skimp on things that in the UK we would be fine splashing out on.

I am asian but even among asians there is a lot of difference depending on which exact culture you are referring too. Often people come from abroad to asia and see that people have help at home like chef, chauffeur, gardener etc and assume people are loaded. They might not be, it is just the cost of labour in these countries is much lower and also there are no benefits so everyone gets off their butt and goes to work. They were being generous offering you to order things on the app but I really think you behaved very badly if you ordered daily at their expense. They are providing you free stay and food. Did you take presents for all of them? Did you take them out for a meal? And why didn’t you offer to pay for your treats. It is really bad manners on your part. Especially when you admit that you would not spend the same thing yourself in UK and it was more expensive there.

We were happy to offer but please and thank you would have been nice, or even a thank you card when she got home.

Are you honestly saying you think it's acceptable to take 10 days of hospitality, including three days at Centre Parks, and not offer a coffee or an ice cream for the children? I'd never behave like that.

Yes I agree there may be an element of this - we live in another country and are well off. A younger relative came to stay recently - lots of treats, nice wines, dinner and lunches out. I was happy to pay but I think she wanted to go to the pub on her last evening but I suggested we stay in and watch a movie as she hadn't offered to put her hand in her pocket once and I wasn't inclined to take her out again.

That said they could/should suck up. the expense and shouldn't have made you feel small OP. But maybe ask yourself if you've short arms and long pockets

It's kind of alarming that you were looking forward to ordering chocolate for twice the price than it is at home, just because someone else was paying.

when I say I have trouble with food, I mean I like very simple foods that are very healthy and don't enjoy eating food that I don't know what it is and the ingredients and health. The foods over there, I have no idea what the ingredients are. They have a lot of deep fried food that I don't enjoy. They kept buying me chips, but I don't eat them. So I was constantly hungry, irritable and had cravings. My DP told me to order meals through the app but it felt like I was taking the piss so I didn't and downplayed my hunger to him. Thank goodness I didn't order them.

I wouldn't usually have that much.

To me it just felt like they were telling me to have whatever I want, they have loads of money and they want me to enjoy it.

DP says that although they are very wealthy, they don't like spending on anything that is consumed. He also encouraged me to use the app which put me at ease. SIL friends came around and all used the app to buy lots of starters, pizzas, and desserts, costing way more than my total bill.

So it just seemed the way the family worked. I never once felt they were offering because they thought they had to.

Yes I am their DIL.

And I freelance and don't earn a lot, money is not consistent so I need to eke it out. I have huge trouble treating myself because I feel so guilty.

I am not comfortable in the kitchen there, it is the staff area, and my partner and I feel to rude to ask a house keeper to squeeze orange juice for us. It's not part of their job.

DP loves the food over there. There were lots of childhood snacks he enjoyed.

You only eat simple healthy food but you had orange juice and a chocolate bar every day?

Why not buy yourself some fresh vegetables and make salads?

I do think it’s a bit odd that you struggle to treat yourself but don’t mind others treating you.

Are you sure they don’t just think it is more cost effective to bring your own chocolate and they will provide the oranges?

I did budget to take everyone out for a meal and I did do that. I also bought gifts for everyone.

The truth is we have very little money and they know that. So I thought they wanted to treat us especially because of that.

DP was engouraign me to use the app. I was craving sweet things the whole trip. He was telling me to order meals too, but I felt too cheeky and didn't want him constantly pressuring me to use it so I told him I wasn't hungry. I lied.

They never come to visit us as they have 'been there before'.

I am still reading messages but those who doubt whether they are wealthy, their business hires 200 staff, they have 6 rental properties.

If the parents are so wealthy, why aren't they helping their son to get on the property ladder and have a child.

I am not sure which culture the OP refers to but Asian parents are generally generous when it comes to these things. The culture is to hand wealth to the children.

Maybe they see OP as a girlfriend from a different culture and are not keen hence their weird behaviour. Also, they may want their son to come back to Asia and not be lost to a foreign wife.

OP has not spent much at all. If they offered, she should be able to spend on whatever she likes within that modest budget. They sound a tad controlling.

In that case they probably just think it's more practical for you to bring the chocolate instead of paying a huge mark up.

Although it is a bit rude not to even try any of their food, and literally only eat British chocolate while you're there.

@twentie

Which cuisine is local to where they live, OP?

The more you say, the more i think I'd be tempted to just not go.

Can DH not visit his family on his own?