Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

You shouldn't have offered those things if you didn't want to pay for them.

I don't know about OP's in-laws - they may live somewhere where people have to offer, but guests are expected to refuse - but in your case you only have yourself to blame.

Why did your husband make you prioritise the expensive flight rather than saving for a flat and having a child? Don’t use your money on the in laws ever again including flights.

This is exactly why I hate the “culture” of offering someone something just to be polite, but hoping they decline, because to accept it would be rude.

If you want someone to have something - offer it.

If you don’t want someone to have something - don’t offer.

My partner is Asian but I am polish, which I think makes it easier as both our cultures are direct. Do they come up with ridiculous things? Yes. Do they like saving money to the core and then spend hundreds on Korean grill. Yes.

They also comment on stuff and gossip as hell. Do I mind? No. I like it. My previous partner was English and we broke up over my "lack of politness and utter rudness at times". Meanwhile my Asian family says I'm too kind and overly polite. Dream match.

I think if you're going to overthink and dread the culture differences this much, it's going to be difficult to make this relationship work.

But when hosting, surely you only offer guests what you can afford to? You probably gave the impression you were wealthy and generous.

Genuinely surprised at the small amount of posters who genuinely seem to think of something is offered you should repeatedly get your hand out and keep taking it, with no limit snd no offer of reimbursement. Hosts will always offer, it is incredibly awkward to say this is shocking and grabby. Clearly they thought at some point the ops manners would kick in and she’d say no I’ve had plenty or no I will pay, what can I buy you.

we had friends of my husbands come to stay a night, we cooked for them, dinner and breakfast and they sat and drank all night, not even a little gift on arrival to say thank you, didn’t bring anything with them, incredibly bad manners,

when we stay with friends we always bring a small gift, flowers, chocolate, a candle and wine etc, I would dream of saying well they offered so I should fill my boots,

but some people seem to genuinely think that on here, that at no point should they decline, or say no let me get it this time, they should just keep taking.

Also if you're penny pinching with a "wealthy" man then he's taking an advantage of you. My man is not wealthy but he looks after me well. If he knew I crave some chocolate it would be waiting for me the next day.

There's a difference though between a vague polite offering and repeatedly pushing something at someone .

Its like saying to someone would you like a cup of tea? Then perhaps a single follow up of are you sure?
Versus
Have a cup of tea go on have a cup of tea would you like another cup of tea here's the tea caddy pick a teabag have another and appearing to really want the person to have it.

Gwan gwan gwan gwan gwan ... oh you had it. Cheeky cow.
Every bloody day?

Expecting someone to fight off your aggressive show of generosity is bonkers.

If they seem that keen for you to have something you might feel that they would be offended by your refusal .

I honestly dont understand what's so hard about offering only that which you are genuinely happy to give. It is clear, everyone knows exactly where they stand, nobody needs to be offended by others inability to read minds.

Instead we have these ludicrous dances that require bloody ESP to get through.

The whole thing is nuts.

Offer what you want to offer. Accept what you want to accept. If you get something, give something. It's straightforward, its simple, everyone's happy. And its nice and polite as long as everyone says please and thank you.

But no. We have to have these batcrap crazy rituals instead because somehow that's better and nicer than offer and acceptance with Ps and Qs.

People are weird as fuck.

They want to have their cake and eat it - playing perfect host by encouraging you to have things then complaining when you do.

I'd take a load of oat bars and protein bars and keep them in your room, eat very little in front of them and refuse to order anything every time they offer.

They'll feel shit about it and they deserve to because they literally PUSHED YOU to have things and now are trying to guilt you for it..

I’d not take anything with me and not order anything from the app, no matter how much I was encouraged. But I’m a petty fucker 😂

I wouldn’t bother.

Did you reciprocate at all? Demonstrate appreciation for their generosity by way of buying a gift/taking them for dinner?

There’s a vast difference between spending money on someone that doesn’t expect it, and appreciates you doing it, and spending on someone that considers themselves entitled to your money ‘because you can afford it’. If you’re the latter, and one of your posts strongly suggests that you are, then I’m not surprised that they’re not offering a repeat of last time.

It does seem really odd for you to order relatively expensive imported chocolate bars on their tab, presumably on top of proper meals and lodging etc that they were providing you. Especially everyday! Even if they can afford it, it does seem really grabby.

I agree with MIL that if you want access to British chocolate whilst you are abroad surely it makes the most sense for you to buy it locally and bring it with you.

I’d be inclined to do this. I would limit all future trips – let their son go alone.

They won’t feel shit, no one would. They will just think she’s even odder than they already do. And wonder what the heck their son has got into. And strongly urge him not to marry such a weirdo.

Why did I ask what? How did I begrudge food? Hundreds of pounds were spent on her; her fare was paid for her, we were asked to host her in London for 10 days. She didn't so much as offer a coffee.

You need to ask your partner why he didn't run interference for you and didn't explain what his parents actually meant. I don't know why you aren't more annoyed with him.

Hate these hypotheticals. No, you don't know how you would treat your family if you had as much money as them .And you don’t even know how much they have . Also, they are still feeding you and hosting you in their house for free I guess .

no you not being unreasonable to be embarrassed as I absolutely would be. Saving for a house is not an excuse for not buying the expensive chocolate you like. Like seriously …. I would go and be gracious on your holidays next week as you obviously took complete advantage even if it was unknowingly.

they sound horrible

What's weird about accepting hospitality that is being literally pushed upon you?

Asking for things every day would be Op's issue but they were telling her to order.

They want to appear perfect hosts and then complain at the same time.

In that culture they are supposed to offer and you take it once to be polite and decline the rest. Why didn't your husband tell you this?

Their staff won't be getting much more than £5 a day, especially if they live in. Probably less than your "treats".
Btw they aren't treats if you eat them every day 😉

Just don’t get anything on there despite them giving you the app. Some Asians feel proud that they are generous people but in reality not as generous as they pretend to be. Eg they would have liked you to politely decline the offer after a few days. They can be a bit to show off, so you need to be careful. I am from Asia.

I wonder if they are offended you don't like the local cuisine/ family cooking? Chose to eat chocolate all the time rather than giving things a go, and they don't want to pay for that.