Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

I think your attitude is pretty grim OP. My in-laws are fairly wealthy, think nothing of sending 5 figure gifts “just because” and are generally lovely, generous people but they’re super thrifty in day to day life and would absolutely raise an eyebrow/say something about spending like this regardless of how easily they could afford it. We regularly spend several weeks with them at their holiday home over summer and wouldn’t dream of not contributing/paying our way in appreciation of their generous hospitality.

@twentie May be their financial circumstances have changed?

In any case you are making a mountain out of a molehill here. Buy some chocs you can afford here and take them with you. Enough to eat one a day if you must. Buy a few more as presents for them. Then once there, squeeze your oranges. You might love the multisensory process it is: squishiness, the smell of orange cells bursting. Very energising an relaxing at the same time

And this time if they ask you to order, refuse 80% of the time because 100% will be too high a refusal rate. Take some money with you to put in the app. All this can be under £100.

And above all, ask your dh for cultural interpretation and guidance. Relax and enjoy the trip and learning your inlaws and their culture!!!

People with no money always a) overestimate how much money wealthier people have; b) assume wealthier people should be giving handouts to family; and c) overlook the fact that many people amass wealth by simply not frittering away money on crap like overpriced sugar hits. Annoys me.

£4 per day on chocolate is almost £30 per week. To me, an ordinary person on a pension that sounds a lot.

Maybe they are just thinking practically for this time. Buying oranges in especially for you as you like the juice and making sure you have your fave choc bar as they don't want to spend that much on something if it could be bought cheaper elsewhere. I wouldn't read too much into it. They will probably be just as generous in other ways while you are there next time

The in-laws may have been offering the app the first day as a genuine treat - and then the second day offered it expecting the DIL to say 'no no no of course not, I couldn't, I'm so full, I could never eat so much sugar every day, of course I know you could well afford it and you're so so generous - but I'm happy with just some rice and tea' etc etc etc.

Which then obliged them to order more smoothies as well, so that the guest would not feel embarrassed that she had accepted the offer...

I remember reading this column years ago: This column will change your life | Health & wellbeing | The Guardian

It's possible that the in-laws were as mortified at having to explain that the daily treats cannot continue as the OP was at receiving the message.

In hospitality cultures it's expected that the recipient shows that they are extremely grateful, including via gifts/help. This is to demonstrate the regard in which you hold your hosts - even if they're family.

I also wondered whether there might also be expectations of tips for the chef and so on - because they have more work to do during the visit.

OP - I would put this down to experience. Remember that they are trying to fall in with you, and decode your expectations, just as much as you are with them. It's not worth falling out about.

Suppose you don’t get wealthy by giving it away to your dil

If you have one to hand would you be able to tell me the carbs per 100g please. 🌷

They sound loaded and stingy to boot. It's a bit of chocolate and orange juice FFS. they are dicks to begrudge you accepting THEIR OFFER each day, if they weren't happy for you to do that then they should have not offered. Or they should have stopped offering. Simple as!

I would tell them when you next go, that you never would have ordered things if they hadn't encouraged you to order it each day and if it's too expensive they should just say so.

I think really they are probably thinking it was greed or indulging having the treats every day. Especially if you wouldn’t pay for them yourself/ think they are too expensive. Sounds like a large bar of chocolate a day which is a bit much. It is I think taking the mick a little to order everyday expensive chocolate just because sis mine else was paying for it.

I am not sure if you are married or not, as you mention DP as well as in-laws.
Your DP needs to support you here. Were they offering the app out of politeness the first time? They clearly don't value you enough to spend money on you without being resentful. It's downright rude to tell you to bring your own chocolate and refuse to buy the juice but you can squeeze your own. I would be thinking seriously about whether I actually wanted to do the travel and stay in their home, and I would make it clear to DP that I wouldn't be comfortable or relaxed. What's the next thing she will pick a fight over?
Let him go to see his mammy and you have a relax at home.

Edited to add: I would be wary of bringing a child into this relationship until you know for sure that your DP will back you and support you fully, especially when his parents pull this sort of stunt.

I do! There is darker versions, I think 85%
this one is 54.1g per 100g so 13.5g per bar

@FWC2026i googled this one for you and this is 18.4g per 100g, 153 cals per bar

It’s crazy that you wouldn’t buy it yourself for 4 pounds but were ok letting someone else pay almost double that for you, everyday. I can see why she’s suggesting you bring some instead, it really doesn’t make sense buying it over there!

Could you get your dh to ask them why they kept on offering

I think if they aren't married then his parents might not be completely happy about it and this sort of thing could be a way of expressing it. I wasn't made very welcome by my mil until we were actually married and then she suddenly accepted me. People can be odd, especially around women 'taking their son away'.

That's another point for the OP - if they're quite 'traditional' they might not see her as a daughter-in-law unless married (and perhaps not even then!)

The OP's partner could have handled this more adroitly - he could have let her know that the daily treats should be seen as a one-off without passing on the message verbatim.

OP's pretty much explained that already. It's made her feel shit about accepting offers that were repeatedly made, which she accepted in good faith.

When they invited you to use their app did they explicitly say it's on us Or were they offering you the app but expecting you to pay for your own snacks? surely don't need to have the drinks and chocolate delivered when you're there Would it not be cheaper to just nip out to the shop and buy them. surely you're taking spending money for while you're there? Just used to move that to get some snacks but there's no need for delivery unless you're in a really difficult to reach area

But they spend like this more for themselves daily

This. Bad form IMO.

Surely your partner knows what they would think and could have intervened and offered to pay? It’s weird that he knew this was happening and said nothing

Regardless of the fact you say they are 'wealthy' you shouldn't really take the p**s.
Come on take your own choclate and take them some too.
Learn some manners.

I haven't read everything so I'm apologising in advance if this has been said before.

I dont know whar Asian country you're along about, but in my experience that kind of lifestyle with a lot of staff does not mean that someone is very wealthy. Obviously not poor, but not very wealthy either. Labour costs next to nothing. The amount you spent a day is probably more than one full-time staff costs a day. Imagine that.
To have staff like that cannot be seen from a British perspective. I've got family in an Asian country. They're middle-class here. There there got 2 x housekeepers 6 days a week (cook, clean, deal with kids, food shopping etc) 12 hours a day, 1 driver, 1 seamstress one day a week etc. No gardener as no own garden. My friend lived in an African country and rented a house - 1 maid and 1 gardener was included in the rent.
These societies are dependent on those who can afford to, employ others.

Also, no one becomes wealthy by spending for the sake of it.

You do come across as greedy. To indulge in something daily that you wouldn't buy yourself seems odd.

OMG @twentie I really want to give you a shake!

Firstly, STOP beating yourself up. None of this is your fault, or at least not very much of it. Even if you did over-step a little it was through misunderstanding and is easily corrected. There is absolitely no reason to feel mortified.

Secondly, ask your DP, when MIL texted, why didn't he push back? As in, "What, you spend £££ on expensive xyz, why have you got a problem with my wife having the odd bar of chocolate?"
[BTW getting oranges so you can squeeze your own juice sound perfectly OK ... except I wonder if they see you like "the help" (but even so, who cares, fresh oranges are nice)]

Thirdly, ask him for clarity - what is it OK to order and what isn't? It's hard to navigate other people's families with their unwritten/unspoken expectations - ask him to explain why they continually encouraged you to order what you want from the app if they have limits on what is acceptable.
Let me tell you a story about my daughter's boyfriend. We don't eat a lot of puddings but he has a sweet tooth so I buy desserts for him. So after dinner I had put out a selection of desserts on the counter, and I said to him "I got a sticky toffee pudding for you" (meaning, to eat here). Later I saw he was eating something else and I asked "oh didn't you want the sticky toffee pudding?" to which he said "it's in my rucksack" - he thought I meant it was a present and he was taking it home!

Fourthly, If I were ordering what I really wanted the bill would be a lot higher. Sometimes it's the little things that stand out; maybe they see the chocolate as an unnecessary luxury, whereas ordering a meal would be OK. I remember my SIL getting worked up about a call I made to my brother in the US one Christmas. I just gave her a tenner - which was WAY more than the call could have cost - but my point is that it was tiny compared with the other costs of hosting us at Christmas, which didn't bother her at all.