How do I tell him I won’t be his carer?

[Icantbeacaregiveranymore]

Been with DH 20 years, in that time I’ve cared for numerous people (some his family, some mine) including our two disabled kids.
He’s been diagnosed with COPD which will require a lot of care.
I don’t want to be his carer.
The dc are finally getting older, and more independent with their disabilities and now I feel like I’m being forced to give up my life again.
My entire adult life has been on a back burner as I had DC early in life, I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.
I am only mid 30s, he is older than me but I have told him for years he needed to take better care of himself but he didn’t now this is the result.

We’ve had a massive arugment this evening as he came home and asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out and I told him I am sick of putting my all in everyone else and getting nothing in return and instead of talking about it he’s just gone out.
I don’t know what to do. Caring is lonely, Ive spent a good part of 18 years being lonely and I just do not want to do it for another twenty sodding years!

My nans 93 and has had COPD since her 50s/60s?
She lives alone in her flat and doesn’t have carers. Tell him to get on with it. If he’s a smoker he needs to stop.

My uncle is 65 and has it too, he has a wife, he does all the cooking and drives and still gets on with his life. Not sure why your husband needs a carer.

But there is nothing the OP can do now about that. She can and should change things now and, in many ways, it's an advantage to her that she is still young enough to get the degree she wants and have a bright future.

I am going with LTB too.

If you remain married, firstly you WILL become his default carer and second, any care needs he has will have to be paid for and that will cost you personally too. Divorced, he will have no choice but to sort himself out and/or pay for care while you are off the hook entirely.

YOLO

@Icantbeacaregiveranymore you’re asking how you tell him you’re going to be his carer.

Here is how I’d approach it
1- I wouldn't make a fuss about him not taking care of himself. He is struggling to go up the stairs? ‘Oh dear… ‘
2- TELL him you’re going back to Uni/working full time. Don’t ask. Don’t arrange yourself around him. Just now he doesn’t need a carer so you dint need to. Actually I’d go as far as saying you absolutely NEED TO go back to Uni/working full time for the simple reason that, if he only has 10 years to Luve as you’re worried about, then you need to be able to stand on your two feet financially. For your and his sake. So him needing ‘a carer’ (in tge future) be the incentive for you to do all of that.
3- don’t make it easier for him. The more you are going to lessen his load, the less he’ll feel the consequence of his (in)action. And the less he is going to want to change. That includes any changes that will come when you’re back at work/Uni full time.
4- please remember he doesn’t yet need a carer. Easier said than done but it hasn’t happened yet. Don’t make your life about something that might happen in 10 years time.

And I’d address another issue in your post - the fact you say you live that man but are also watching him getting iller because he can’t be bothered to look after himself. That’s IS heartbreaking in itself. Do you think knowing how much this upset you could sway him into doing something?

I hope you didn't stay in and cook dinner. He doesn't sound worth hanging around for but don't let his diagnosis change your plans even if you do stay together.

The thing is a lot of men will abdicate as much shit onto women as they can, even in good health but this is totally mad. My DH has lost his kidneys to cancer and has gone on to have his thyroid out and he has spread to his chest and brain but...from the outset we made a plan on paper of how to maximise his health and charts of all his meds, supplements and all his therapies and scans, dialysis etc. and he sticks to the plan like a limpet. Ticking stuff off all day every day. As a result, he is doing incredibly well.

Your DH is actively worsening his condition.

If you LTB it might benefit him. He might have a moment of realisation and do something to actually help himself.

LTB and plan a lovely life of bucket list, sunsets, me time, travel and a cosy home.

YOU HAVE DONE YOUR BIT

I think your only option is divorce @Icantbeacaregiveranymore .

I think so to. You’ve got years ahead of you to do all the stuff for yourself that you haven’t been able to do. If he’s not willing to help himself then why should you deal with the consequences of his terrible decisions. Don’t condemn yourself to this.

and when you get burned out after decades of looking after other people who will look after you? So you were a teenager that moved across the country to invest love and support the mental health of a grown man? This is not right. What do you mean he came home and asked you to cook dinner on a weekend, why can’t he cook his own dinner?

do you even love him anymore? This man is not a prize. If you were a sahm looking after disabled children looking forward to starting your life he is robbing you of this and what another 20 years go by you will be in your 50s having spent your whole adult life looking after others and not yourself. Presumably he will be unable to work then? Does he work now? In what ways does he add to your life?

I think there are 2 issues here. A lot of people have said and I agree that copd inthe short term does not necessarily mean him needing care. My husband's father has it and although he quit smoking and drinking many years ago his eating habits leave him significantly overweight which places additional strain. He lost this once but gained it again and now isn't willing to make further changes. He's 70 and has been taken to hospital a few times but day to day manages entirely fine and without care.

I feel like from your comments you are describing a different issue that his lifestyle and yours are no longer compatible and this feels worse since his diagnosis as it is clear he is happy to rely on you and make no changes, prioritising partying. It is very selfish of him and I don't think I could stay with a person who had such little respect for me regardless of the copd.

I’ve seen this happen so many times.

Woman looks after kids, does everything at home, and runs around after husband.

Then kids grow up and elderly care kicks in. Then useless DH gets ill or immobile due to decades of eating crap, smoking and lack of exercise. Or, the age gap catches up with you.

Woman runs herself into the ground and becomes ill herself or dies, man moves on without a second thought.

I’m pushing back on people’s expectations of me as a 50 something woman and pushing back on it has caused massive issues.

YANBU I’d leave him to it.

I dunno? There seems somethign not addig up here. Why does this person need a carer exactly? There is some limited help available surely?

Honestly if this were me I’d be out the door. Acting as he is, still smoking, treating you like a doormat. That would be a hard no.

You’re young enough for a decent fresh start. Go to uni! Enjoy your life.

Depending what you want to do at uni, look at degree apprenticeships so you don’t incur costs. Good luck.

I spoke to him last night when he got home. I told him I cannot be a carer again to anyone else apart from DC as all the strain of looking after mutiple different people over the past of a decade or so has taken a huge toll on me. A few of them have died, and I told him I don’t want him dying in ten years from now because he’s made zero effort to change his ways.
He says he understood, and will try to make healthy choices going forwards such as vaping instead of smoking and will go out less drinking (to be fair that isn’t his fault completely he has a friend who encourages that behaviour.) told him he needs to go back to the gym and work on getting as fit as he can be (he did originally go to the gym but stopped when the problems started.) so we will see. I’ve given him 6 months in my head to see if it he makes changes & sticks to them. I feel that is fair considering how long I’ve been with him.

Good plan but.....remain silent in your watching because if he fails, it will be 100% on him.

He says he understood, and will try to make healthy choices going forwards such as vaping instead of smoking

Vaping isn't healthy! My friend has got Popcorn lung from vaping. I notice people who vape seem to be doing it constantly, far more than you would smoke. He just needs to go cold turkey.

6 months is fair @Icantbeacaregiveranymore
Both to allow him to get on with it and to check if he is serious about it (so not ‘I’ll stop drinking/ill start exercising for 1 month and then back to the usual routine’

But what about you?
When are you going back to university? Are those plans still in or are you waiting for him to show you he is serious about getting better?

That part, the about YOU part, is, I feel just as important if not more.
Not the least because it is a very concrete way to show your dh you’re serious about it. You’re not going to be carer for him and are planning your life accordingly.
Otherwise, too easy to hear you won’t do it but actually believing you’d still step up if needed because in health and sickness, that’s what you do anyway etc….
Actions talk much louder than words

thats good to hear op
you did the right thing imo

The copd nurses said people who have never smoked but vape that is unhealthy but someone whose a heavy smoker and has been for 25 years and vapes is better than smoking.

Talk to him
Enrol in study and do as you wish
Being married, coupled up after riasing children yes we all expect to do more of what we have intentions of doing.
His illness I know nothing about but I am surr the guy can manage to make a simple meal or snack.
Do not forget to go off and do your own interests, hobbies and friends because houseworks always gping to be there...life beyond is more important.

i stopped smoking and now vape
then diagnosed with copd
perhaps i had it before, i dont know
after the initial praise for stopping smoking, i now get reminders about cutting down on vaping, from the asthma clinic.

I’m still planning to go to university I told him that I would expect him to step up at home and start doing 50:50 of the housework and life admin etc. He agreed to this.

It should be a no brainer that breathing anything in that isn't air isn't a good idea especially when you already have compromised lung function.

Sounds less about care and more about how you are rightly fed up of domestic drudgery. Also sounds like you are not wanting to be in this relationship or are reevaluating what is in it for you.

You were 16 then. The human brain doesn’t finish fully developing until mid twenties. You were very young. And you are a different person now. It is absolutely fine for you to want a different life and for him to be less a part of it or not a part of it. It’s fine for you to put yourself first. You get one life. It’s not a rehearsal. You matter too. Your hopes, dreams, wishes, wants and needs matter too. Who in the relationship has had the most opportunity to follow their individual needs, wants and wishes this far?

It might interest you to know that if a spouse becomes seriously unwell a high percentage of men leave the relationship. It’s a much lower number for women. We are socialised into caring roles. If you had the privilege of being born male, you would be more likely to leave.

Leaving him will be painful. You will experience guilt. You may have people using fear, obligation and guilt to keep you in your expected role. But ask yourself this; If you stay, when you get to the end of your life what will you feel when you look back if you stay?

Also, what does he give you? What does he bring to the relationship? What would you miss?

Your dilemma seems to be long term resentment and obligation versus short term guilt.

May be get some counselling to think it through.