How do I tell him I won’t be his carer?

[Icantbeacaregiveranymore]

Been with DH 20 years, in that time I’ve cared for numerous people (some his family, some mine) including our two disabled kids.
He’s been diagnosed with COPD which will require a lot of care.
I don’t want to be his carer.
The dc are finally getting older, and more independent with their disabilities and now I feel like I’m being forced to give up my life again.
My entire adult life has been on a back burner as I had DC early in life, I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.
I am only mid 30s, he is older than me but I have told him for years he needed to take better care of himself but he didn’t now this is the result.

We’ve had a massive arugment this evening as he came home and asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out and I told him I am sick of putting my all in everyone else and getting nothing in return and instead of talking about it he’s just gone out.
I don’t know what to do. Caring is lonely, Ive spent a good part of 18 years being lonely and I just do not want to do it for another twenty sodding years!

Not strictly true. The damage can be minimised, so it doesnt get worse. And taking care of ones health can make a massive difference. See my post above about the difference between my father, who takes care of his health since DX, and my uncle who was fatalistic and decided to live a hedonistic life and died an appalling death far earlier than he needed to.

Sounds like you don't want to be with him anymore. If that is the case you need to end your marriage there is no point staying together if you arnt happy you where only 16 when you got together no wonder things have changed is there anything you like about your husband

Don't wait until you're in your 50's and wheeling him around with his oxygen tank and you with nothing to look forward to. I know it sounds callous but you need to cast him off now and start living your life before it's too late. Mid life creeps up fast and suddenly you look around and everything has shrunk around you. You deserve a life, please grab it while you can.

Im in a similar situation OP, although DH and I are a little older than you.

The situation we're in is dire and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Yet DH continues to make poor choices and zero effort, to the point where I sometimes can't stand to look at him. There's literally zero chance of him being able to live independently so we plod on with me becoming ever more resentful.

We actually have a carers / care needs assessment next week and I'm so very close to saying that he cannot remain in the house. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but I would 100% have ended this sooner had I realised how our situation would end. I would caution you to make any big decisions sooner rather than later as you do run the risk of being literally stuck with your DH if you don't

Exactly this, it sounds as if you were manipulated by him. The power imbalance at 16 and 24 is massive. So I think I would get on with my own life in your shoes op.

Maybe it is time to get divorced if you feel this way as you will feel and more resentful if you do not.

“In sickness and in health..” or until I don’t want to.

WTF so he got together with you when you were a child?????? 14?????? Omg I feel sick

What about "To love and to cherish"....unless I would rather go to the pub?

If he is able enough to go out then he is able enough to cook his own dinner...tell him to rock on 🖕. Cheeky fucker even asking you to cook.

I think you need to sit down and tell him how you feel. It sounds like you've lost all respect for him and that the relationship has run its course as a result.

Don't be his carer then. And try to insist that he makes an appointment with the Quit Smoking team.
You are not responsible for his terrible health choices.

Make the most of your life for the next twenty years. Focus on your goals.

A 24 year old man being with a 16 year old school girl the year he couldn’t be prosecuted… 25 and 33 is fine but 16 and 24 isn’t. A 16 year isn’t really any different to a 15 year old.

Why did you provide care for his family? He should’ve done it or organised care homes.

asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out

he needs to learn to cook for himself

Does he smoke?
Does he exercise?
Is he overweight?

The OP answered those questions early on in the thread.

I wouldn’t stay with someone who refused to help themselves. It sounds like you are fed up with his general attitude and I don’t really blame you.

sorry - I should have rtt

As someone who is disabled and has an energy limiting disease, the issue isn’t COPD.
It’s laziness and refusing to do any HW. It’s just that the COPD is a good excuse you can’t ’fight against’.

Seriously, if he still working, still able to go out afterwards ‘partying’, then he can do housework. He doesn’t need a carer either. (At least not now).

Live your life @Icantbeacaregiveranymore
Go back to work, to Uni as you had planned.
Refused the load that isn’t yours to carry.

He sounds like someone who can’t be bothered about anything inconvenient in his life. Like someone who has had a dogsbody pick up all the inconveniences in his life for the past 18y - who was too young to understand that she had alternatives, that she was not responsible for him (a teenager moving across the country so that an older man’s mental health wouldn’t suffer?!).

OP, you have learned through your life experiences that you do have alternatives, that you can take responsibility for your own choices, that others can take responsibility for theirs. What does this relationship bring to you? Are you equal partners, cherishing and supporting each other?

Weaponised imcompetence

Op is there more to this, yes he is not taking care of himself but does the lack of responsibility affect other aspects of his life. This must be frustrating for you. Do you want to be with him. It sounded in your original post that he was telling you to make his dinner. Why can’t he make the dinner. I know someone with copd that has carers a few times a day. I would tell him when the time comes he will have to organise outside care. I know the feeling of always caring for others and I wouldn’t want to do it either. It sounds like you have a life plan keep going with it and if you can’t do it while married to him you may need to rethink how you want your life to be. Personally I would follow your dreams as like you say you are still young.

This.

This man sounds like he has used the OP her whole life and chose a teenager who was easier to manipulate and control.

Time for her to leave and live her own life.

It comes across as condemning the OP for being in an inappropriate relationship for 20 years which is the last thing she needs. She needs help with what to do NOW. I hate it when pp just criticise the OP for being in the situation they are in. She doesn't have a time machine.

I dont think what happened 20 years ago is much help now. It comes across as criticism of making a mistake when she was 16.