DSD’s new partner is now telling DH to get legal advice about our house

[BetLynchsEyes]

I can't believe how quickly my last thread filled up. I woke up to find it at 1000 posts which was a bit of a surprise.

Thank you to those posters who were supportive. It has been a difficult time.

Things have taken a downward turn. I honestly thought this couldn’t get any more ridiculous, but apparently it can.
DH has had another message from DSD early this morning. She said she and her partner have been discussing the situation and have decided they are going to get legal advice. Apparently he thinks the agreement we have in place “might not mean what I think it means” if DH and I ever divorced. Her partner is not a solicitor, by the way. He works in finance, I think. But apparently he “knows enough to know Dad shouldn’t just accept this.”

So now the man who has been in her life for about five minutes is apparently advising her on my marriage, my house and my legal arrangements.

DSD has told DH he needs to get his “own independent legal advice” because she thinks he has been “stitched up.” She also said that if he divorces me, he may be able to get more than his current share and “at least protect something for the future.”

I cannot believe I am typing this. This has gone from a nasty dinner joke to his daughter and her new partner discussing whether my husband should divorce me to improve her future inheritance position.

DH is livid. Properly livid this time. He has replied saying his marriage is not up for discussion, his financial arrangements are not her partner’s business, and if she continues down this road, there will be no conversation until she can speak respectfully.

I feel sick, but also weirdly relieved because at least DH can now see exactly what I have been dealing with. This was never about a joke. It was about entitlement. And now her partner has poured petrol on it.

And save the massive row for after her DH’s passing (if he goes first)?

And yet we see it on here all the time.

Poster posts that they’re upset that their parent is marrying someone else, and the instant response is that they need to have a discussion about them seeing a solicitor to safeguard their inheritance.

Entitlement is highest on MN.

My guess would be, the young man she's seeing.

If she's now thinking of settling down, as a couple they'll be looking at finances. After all, they came last night "to ask if we could help out with a deposit for a house" (to rephrase, gift them a substantial sum of money). She has assumed (from your lifestyle?) that her dad is in a position to do so.

In your first thread, you said "DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off". To me, that comment reads as 'our living costs are lower because we don't have mortgage payments to make, so we can live well enough on less'. To her, I suspect it read as 'the money that used to go on the mortgage is now free to spend on you, my darling daughter'

It's entitlement, pure and simple. You DH has said in the past that "she's always had a mean streak but deep down is a good person". The mean streak has been let off the leash by her thwarted entitlement. Maybe the good person will emerge, but I wouldn't hold my breath personally.

That’s my line drawn to protect me and mine. I was talking about me. He is my definition of a loser. Other people can draw their own lines and suffer the consequences.

The OP’s DH has a small share in the house that he would not get to live in, let alone co-own, but for the OP’s considerable assets. And that is the basis of this row - the ownership of the house and the trouble his daughter will try to make for the OP and her children going forward over who gets the proceeds of sale when the owners are gone. Which is exactly the reason I would never co-mingle assets with someone who cannot bring an equal pot of assets to the table, such that my children won’t be paying for someone else’s (wholly unconnected with them) life mistakes/mishaps down the line. Nobody is arguing over his pension.

Edit to add. I would never marry or co-mingle assets with anyone with children in any event. My children are the priority. I wouldn’t put their inheritance (built up through their father’s and my hard work) for any bloke, kids or no kids on their part. Nobody needs to marry to have a long lasting relationship if they want one.

Why dont you have the proceeds of the house go straight to your kids and nephew? With your arrangement if you die first, she will get the whole lot.

This means that the children are often in very old age by the time they are able to actually benefit from any inheritance. I think it's really awful to allow a spouse to live in the house indefinitely. Much better for house to be sold and proceeds split.

I'm sure you've done this, but make sure it is clear in your wills that whoever dies first the other person can stay in the house until they die.

I know someone who had been in her step children's lives for 25 years. Her husband had protected the house for his children, but had told them that she should be allowed to stay if he died first. Well, he did die unexpectedly and within a month they were trying to throw her out. They got her out after probate and she had to leave with literally nothing. Why he didn't specify this in his will I just don't know.

If any of my kids act the way OP sd is they'd be cut off pronto.

Yes. That thread was an eye opener

Because it means his kids get their actual inheritance rather than having to wait years/decades more for it.

@BetLynchsEyes Has nobody pointed out to her that even if the property was 50% his, he HAS NO LEGAL OBLIGATION to leave it to her, he can leave his money to whoever he wants, in fact, he could make a will stipulating she gets nothing due to her behaviour. A friend of mine did this and it was upheld in court after his death.

You've missed the point of my comment.

Probably the Finance Bro wanting her to prove that she brings enough to the table for him - he's looked at her as a growth stock.

There's a good chance that he'll dump her like some value trap shares once he realises that she isn't as valuable to him as he thought she was.

Totally disagree. In fact I think it’s silly to NOT have these conversations especially where there is any disparity in shared assets.

If he's got any sense he should tell her he's changing his will to leave his share to the cats protection league so her new fella won't see a penny.

Or at least point out it looks like he's only with her because he thought she came from money.

My husband made ‘joke’ the other day about my inheritance from my dad when the time
comes. About how we’ll be set for life and going on 3 holidays a year. I found that really interesting and a row ensued about how actually the majority of it will be going to our kids and how he has no say in my inheritance just as I will have no say in his! Why are people so entitled?!

From your post it looks like it’s coming from the boyfriend.

Well no because he had told his children many times that he wanted her to stay in the house.

DH texted his ex wife this morning asking to chat. DH has just got off the phone with her and we’re both a bit stunned.

DSD’s reaction has been so extreme, especially with her boyfriend suddenly getting involved. I thought his ex would defend her, she didn’t. She said she’s really worried about this boyfriend.

Apparently DSD has been telling people for ages that she’ll be “sorted” when DH dies. Things like “I’ll be a millionaire one day anyway.” and “Dad’s house will come to me eventually.” Her mum tried to suggest that this might not be the case but DSD wouldn't listen to it and basically convinced herself this was the case.

DH had no idea. He looks gutted. His ex thinks DSD has built up this fantasy about inheriting loads from him, and that the boyfriend has latched onto it. The boyfriend has been asking questions about DH’s house, money and pensions. Her mum's also worried because he's started talking about getting married and having a baby soon when they haven't been together long.

DH said afterwards, “I’m still alive and she’s talking about my death like a financial plan.” Honestly, that broke my heart a bit.

This feels darker now. Like she’s made herself sound like some future millionaire and he’s seen pound signs.

My God what an entitled little bitch.
I’d be leaving fuck all inheritance to her !

That makes it even more important your husband makes sure this bloke knows he has nothing and his daughter will get nothing.

Hopefully he will dump the daughter, which would ultimately be in her best interests.

She has made the comment to test the waters - not as a flippant joke: I think she wanted to own the conversation, confirm that she was indeed inheriting her fathers ‘half of the house’ then a conversation would start about how much that would be worth and why gifting some of that now would avoid inheritance tax.

How old is your husband? I am nearly fifty and these conversations with my parents have only started in recent years.

Family intervention time I think . Her mum included.

Your husband needs to be blunt with her i.e. “I put 10% into this house and therefore you will only inherit 10% of its value when we are both dead”

So given your update, although to you and DP this seems to have come out of nowhere it's been bubbling for much longer.

I hope DP can recover from this, but his relationship with his DD may never be the same again.