DSD’s new partner is now telling DH to get legal advice about our house

[BetLynchsEyes]

I can't believe how quickly my last thread filled up. I woke up to find it at 1000 posts which was a bit of a surprise.

Thank you to those posters who were supportive. It has been a difficult time.

Things have taken a downward turn. I honestly thought this couldn’t get any more ridiculous, but apparently it can.
DH has had another message from DSD early this morning. She said she and her partner have been discussing the situation and have decided they are going to get legal advice. Apparently he thinks the agreement we have in place “might not mean what I think it means” if DH and I ever divorced. Her partner is not a solicitor, by the way. He works in finance, I think. But apparently he “knows enough to know Dad shouldn’t just accept this.”

So now the man who has been in her life for about five minutes is apparently advising her on my marriage, my house and my legal arrangements.

DSD has told DH he needs to get his “own independent legal advice” because she thinks he has been “stitched up.” She also said that if he divorces me, he may be able to get more than his current share and “at least protect something for the future.”

I cannot believe I am typing this. This has gone from a nasty dinner joke to his daughter and her new partner discussing whether my husband should divorce me to improve her future inheritance position.

DH is livid. Properly livid this time. He has replied saying his marriage is not up for discussion, his financial arrangements are not her partner’s business, and if she continues down this road, there will be no conversation until she can speak respectfully.

I feel sick, but also weirdly relieved because at least DH can now see exactly what I have been dealing with. This was never about a joke. It was about entitlement. And now her partner has poured petrol on it.

I didn’t expect any inheritance from anyone but I’m absolutely making sure DH doesn’t buy a Ferrari every year for the next 15 years! Our DDs mean more than that. We plan and we gift. Most people do these days and don’t wait until death. That’s a very old way of looking at things. The younger people do have a tougher time and we acknowledge that by substantial gifts. Better that for them now than in 15 years time!

I know, but they could make her wait is what I’m saying.

My instinct is, this is all pushed by the BF.

It sounds like the daughter was a piece of work from day 1 yes, but..

The BF has met/targeted a woman who presented herself as from a wealthy family with a reasonable prospect of inheriting.

He has seen £ signs, and may well have been working on her, i bet all of the ideas around tax have come from him, and he has prompted her to raise it while sitting there letting her do that.

In which case the BF stands to gain as much from OPs wealth, as he thinks they could buy a property together that he would partly own.. if they split later he could walk away with more than he put in.

And the BFs tone...

There could even be some triadic type of manipulation going on here. He's so full of himself, he feels he can talk down to OPs DH, and her, he's putting himself on a pedestal, as the one who's probably intending to come round and 'explain' finance to these two people he barely knows. No question in his message, he considers himself the authoritative superior one.

Like other pp, if DH makes clear his daughter will receive nothing (whether that's true or not) I'd place a bet the BF will be gone soon.

And if the daughter is a pawn in his game, that midge new the best thing for her too.

@BetLynchsEyes You said that DH's ex has concerns about the BF, did she say what concerns? Because he sounds like someone I know who is a very "I know best" kind of man, but very charismatic and sort of sweeps people up with his charisma and then tells them how to run their lives.

He is also always chasing the money. He has many many failed businesses behind him, with the co business owners suffering far more financially than he has as he funds it all with his mothers cash. I know for a fact that at least two of them declared bankruptcy. He is very controlling over his wife who seems either too scared or awed of him to speak out (I suspect a bit of both). I have heard (small town!) that she is inline for a big inheritance, and I really believe if that disappeared, so would he.

I know that. I wasn’t clear, she can make DSD wait.

Sadly it might be just best for your DH to wait for for this boyfriend to dump DSD when he realises there is no money forthcoming. Sounds like she has tried to impress him with stories of wealth and will have done that to keep him so therefore deep down knows he is only interested in money.

Then he needs to explain to DSD that the starting point for her inheritance is nothing but might go up depending on everyone’s situation at the time of his death.

This was also where I expected it was going
"7 year rule"
"Efficient tax planning"
"Dont give it away to the tax man"

They are 100% looking to "cash extract" now.

My in law siblings and my own siblings are the same age as your SD approx (27-31) they have all made their own way and are having or have saved and bought.

She's a clown and he's on the grift big time.

No.

legally you can renounce it - my SIL did that when her estranged father died

So glad you’ve got your head screwed on OP! With my family situation, a huge drama blew up seemingly over nothing and I just couldn’t understand why my relative (and her new bf) were acting the way they were. On the surface it made no sense.

I was chatting to a friend who’s a family law solicitor and he didn’t even let me finish the story before saying, ‘money, it’s always, always about money’.

As the famous biblical saying goes, ‘the love of money is the root of all evil’.

I don’t see why the BF is being criticised. For all anyone knows, he might’ve very highly paid! Most people don’t see £££ signs with an old geezer living of his new wife! I would say she’s wondering where his money has gone and most parents want to help out but I think she sees him as a kept man so has spare money from his pension lump sum. Which he probably has.

Yes, I read that too.

Just let them get advice OP. If you feel certain you are in a strong position then don't worry.

In families assumptions do get made around inheritances, and it isn't a bizarre or unheard of thing for a child to entertain the thought they may inherit from their parents. Obviously that can have more complications in blended family situations. But in both blended and non-blended families, the better course is to have an above-board conversation before it comes to this sort of bun fight. If you feel you owe her nothing, that would have been more easily explained before she had formed ideas about how things stood and before you reacted in anger to her comment.

TBH you do seem to be rather relishing the drama - especially the more your DSD and her father come to blows.

The whole thing has a really unpleasant vibe on everyone's part.

But, in short, if you are confident of where you stand, why worry if they get advice or not?

any reason why DSD works part time?

This. "Everyone should do xyz" tends to get my back up a bit!

I sensed relief rather than relish

Well they all want the money. I don't see anyone giving away here.

What are you talking about? Who cares how much he makes or what he assumed.

I’d just rely to him that even if you did have half the house. You’re entitled to leave it to whoever you want and that includes donkeys. Dsd doesn’t have an automatic right to it

Given the variables I can just imagine the tailspin DSD is in. She and the BF clearly have this as main topic of conversation. Lol at them seeking legal advice about someone else’s assets. Just nuts.
Like others have said, her life plan seems to have been wait for DF to die. She’s viewing your home as her future security. WTAF. All those times you hosted, she was likely sizing everything up. Beggars belief really.
Entitled, hurtful and completely deluded. No sympathy for her whatsoever but do think she sounds the type to be bitter/resentful ever more but that’s a her problem. Enjoy another chilled evening OP. It might be a blessing to go NC herein on your part.

Yes and for all we know, OP’s DH has all the money he’s saved from being mortgage free in a bank account or investments that will go to SD when he dies. But so what? He’s not dying, and the house (which SD was telling OP not to get too attached to) does not belong to him. She’s now calling for her dad to DIVORCE the Op so that she can have more money. Does that sound like genuine concern for her dad? Or money grabbing entitlement?

eta and the BF should mind his own business.

As soon as her BF works out there's no luxury lifestyle he'll be off like a flash, sadly that SD fault, she's living a fantasy life where someone else always pays. Someone said she was vunerable, she's not, she's immature, at 27 she should be paying her own way in life not expecting Daddy to support her

I don’t think she’s worried about them getting advice - it’s their money to waste. I think she’s just shocked at and baffled by at how much this has escalated into insanity.

And yes, she probably is in part feeling vindicated that her husband is finally having to confront what he’s been denying for years. I’m not sure how that reflects badly on OP at all.

I think you both need to be very strong with your SD and let her have a period of just supporting herself. She doesn’t deserve any help with a house deposit owing to her behaviour. She will turn on the tears again but don’t be fooled by her.

Sounds like they had it all planned out. Coming over to visit to discuss help with a deposit. BF wittering on about tax planning. DSD saying 'don't get too attached to this house, half of it will be mine'. They had clearly given it all a lot of thought and knew what they were going to ask for and how to sell it to you both. Sickening!

My SIL and BIL approached my lovely PIL about all of this using all the same phrases about ‘sound financial planning’ … PIL - only in their 60s - were tying themselves in knots trying to justify it (oh they’re only thinking about us) but you could tell they were hurt. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, no one has a right to expect anything from anyone, and my PILs are wonderful

Then why isn’t he crediting these successful older people with possibly being able to plan their own affairs? It’s never a good look to lecture people on money, and being a new BF just makes it so much worse.

I think if he was really successful he would have had the good sense to keep his mouth shut.

I get that you think lack of communication may be a core issue and I agree. Possibly the DH was not very savvy in negotiating the financial settlement after his first marriage broke down. There could be many reasons for that, which are not our concern, and his daughter will presumably inherit from her DM anyway.

No one seems to be considering the possibility of paying for a few years of decent care, which could render the entire discussion moot. Can you imagine giving this DD PoA?