DSD’s new partner is now telling DH to get legal advice about our house

[BetLynchsEyes]

I can't believe how quickly my last thread filled up. I woke up to find it at 1000 posts which was a bit of a surprise.

Thank you to those posters who were supportive. It has been a difficult time.

Things have taken a downward turn. I honestly thought this couldn’t get any more ridiculous, but apparently it can.
DH has had another message from DSD early this morning. She said she and her partner have been discussing the situation and have decided they are going to get legal advice. Apparently he thinks the agreement we have in place “might not mean what I think it means” if DH and I ever divorced. Her partner is not a solicitor, by the way. He works in finance, I think. But apparently he “knows enough to know Dad shouldn’t just accept this.”

So now the man who has been in her life for about five minutes is apparently advising her on my marriage, my house and my legal arrangements.

DSD has told DH he needs to get his “own independent legal advice” because she thinks he has been “stitched up.” She also said that if he divorces me, he may be able to get more than his current share and “at least protect something for the future.”

I cannot believe I am typing this. This has gone from a nasty dinner joke to his daughter and her new partner discussing whether my husband should divorce me to improve her future inheritance position.

DH is livid. Properly livid this time. He has replied saying his marriage is not up for discussion, his financial arrangements are not her partner’s business, and if she continues down this road, there will be no conversation until she can speak respectfully.

I feel sick, but also weirdly relieved because at least DH can now see exactly what I have been dealing with. This was never about a joke. It was about entitlement. And now her partner has poured petrol on it.

OP, can I ask how many times you or your spouse have even met the bf? Obviously his nerve is off the charts! I can't believe he's been asking her mom about your husband's pensions. Wild.

or also that so much could go on her parents care!

Damn, initially I thought you overreacted but I take it back. DSD is bonkers.

Gosh, this has been a fascinating read!

One thing you can do is ensure that whichever of you lives longer, the other gets to live in the house as long as you choose and it is held in trust. That way even if your husband does pass away before you, she has to wait until you either pass away or sell the house before she gets anything. That is what my friend’s dad did when he remarried. Then his wife lived well into her 90s living in a large house in Greater London and my friend just had to wait 30 years in her tiny terrace in Reading.

But my friend always knew this was the case, and she just cracked on as her Dad always made that clear.

My mum has done something similar now she has remarried but Scots law is different and her H could challenge and get everything….although I doubt he will outlive her as he is very unhealthy….

But your H does need to sit down with your DSD and maybe her Mum and they all have to be clear what their set ups are. He also needs to say her behaviour has burnt bridges and she won’t be getting that house deposit (from you).

As someone in a similar position to the OP, my partner & I have taken the decision to not marry and/or merge finances.
Our financial circumstances are very different & the fact that he has been through a divorce & therefore a division of assets means that he has less (I was widowed young) - this doesn't make him a deadbeat - it makes him a father, a good one. Do I find the relationship with his children difficult, yes definitely!!! Do they understand that he is able to support them more as a result of him being in a relationship with me, some do (I think), some don't.
However we do also talk to them a little about how things are set up (we live in my home & he rents his out) & as far as I can see this might be the only mistake the OP's husband has made the comment mortgage being paid off & therefore an asset & implications - if he has been more open from the outset. This is just my perspective, I also firmly believe that my own children need to be aware of my assets & be financially literate.
I think the OP has handled it well & if any of my SC's partners wants to look at the assets or paperwork they can take a long walk, off a short pier & swim back on their own....

Only read op’s posts, but wtf! I’m glad the ex is on your side and has actually tried to explain the situation.

“I think she’s entitled to see the paperwork if decisions have been made that affect her future. “

This sentance jumped out at me. Unless dsd has been led to believe she will inherit a huge chunk, then this is way out of order. I’m guessing you’re fairly wealthy if she thought she’ll inherit a million, and you’ve bailed her out her a lot. You said she’s only working part-time so it sounds like she is literally biding her time to her inheritance comes in.

I'm not surprised you werent listening, he sounds like an insufferable know it all at the best of times, never mind this business!

I have to lol at the protecting wealth. Sure some tax might be saved for DD if there's enough, but think of all the many years of compound interest that would be foregone for DH.

What’s more crazy is that the money might even be used for care later on.

I don’t understand how people get so crazy about other people’s money.

When my step dad eventually dies, me and my sister are down to inherit some money. I believe it’s changed from a lump sum to a % as it makes more sense depending on how long he lives and what he has left. One or 2 pensions goes to my mum but the majority (house and rest of money) will go to our youngest sister (His daughter). We all know this and are all aware. None of us have our lives on hold waiting for him to go!! Because we are adults. We have jobs and earn our money.

It must be awful for your husband to realise how shallow a relationship his daughter actually has with him.

Well, I guess the 'D'SD is about to find out whether her new BF is with her for herself or for her money...

If it's revealed she's not in line for a windfall, I bet he'll storm off saying she 'deceived' him...

Wow I wasn’t expecting that update. The step daughter and her boyfriend are really a piece of work. I think your husband ought to revise his will and split his share with nieces,nephews, charity and his daughter. Think she needs to learn her lesson. Awful behaviour on her part, particularly salivating at the thought of her father dying. I feel sorry for your husband.

Like I said, I am not a lawyer but according to my friends solicitor, specifically naming someone who might feel entitled to an inheritance and explaining why they're not getting one is far less likely to be successfully challenged than simply leaving them out. I dont know the legalese. Definitely worth paying to get the right advice if you think you need something like that.

I’m really sorry that you and your DH are going through this. You sound like a strong couple.

A comparable divorce settlement is taken into account but it's not a cast iron rule that the surviving spouse cannot be in a worse position.

But that would apply only if the surviving spouse challenged the other's will. The 27 year old step-daughter can't do that, as she is a dependent of neither the OP nor her husband.

Is she not equally expecting an inheritance from her mother?

The thing is if he dies first you will get the house and then when you die unless you leave a will stating she gets a share she is legally not entitled to anything! So while I don’t agree with anything she has done - you and your husband do need to set this up if he wants to ensure his daughter is entitled to a share of the property.

my MIL is currently going this this with her husbands daughters because her husband is really ill and she will get their house and then when she dies my DH and his siblings will get it without the right will’s in place and his daughters would get nothing

I can tell you where this has come from OP. The boyfriend.

Apologies op, when I read your first thread I only read the first post and thought you were massively over reacting but I have read all of your posts there and on this one now and honestly jaw on the floor. The absolute brass fucking neck of her. Its nearly an unspoken rule to NOT talk about fucking wills and inheritances with your family especially when everyone is alive. Unbelievable. I am stunned at the sheer audacity and to be honest even if your DH paid 100% for that house it is still not her fucking business. Its sheer rudeness and entitlement and the boyfriend is a league of his own with his cheek. Wow just wow.

The op already said she can pay her her share.

Absolutely! By the time my mother died, aged almost 90, I was 64 (and there wasn't much left for us to inherit, because she'd been in a care home). But because sister and I are grown-ups, we'd been supporting ourselves since we left school.

I'm an actual chartered tax advisor, OP, and I specialise in estate planning.

Planning is good - if you want to. It's not always the most important consideration and one of the key things I always say to my clients is that I can only advise on tax. They need to decide if what I suggest is what they actually want or if it's what's best for a family.

If you don't want to start estate planning for IHT don't ever let them pressure you!

Decide what you want first. Then tax plan around that - if you want to.

Not much surprises me about how people behave around inheritance, but still that is some shocking behaviour from your DSD. The boyfriend is an arrogant so-and-so therefore can be ignored, but definitely keep an eye on him from a distance....

I think that the extent of her poor behaviour means that this appears to be genuinely surprising to her. You are getting unvarnished reactions to what is, in her mind, an very unpleasant surprise.

Could it be a combination of media narratives about generational unfairness, the much-discussed idea of 'inheritocracy' and perhaps your DH doing a bit of the 'generous-Dad-anything-for-you-darling' largesse over the years? She may have combined the picture of some generous gifts with the background scenery of a nice home and assumed that a wealthy father will see her into a comfortable lifestyle in due course...Plus some unconscious sexism of assuming that the assets must be in male ownership.

The only thing I would say is that children don't choose divorce and are very often financially disadvantaged by their parents separating.

OP has children of her own and the agreement has been done to protect their inheritance. To be honest after how DSD has behaved, and revealed her disgusting attitude to OP and her own Dad, I would be going NC and hell would freeze over before she got anything of my assets. On the other threat OP said she was considering giving DSD a contribution towards a house deposit. I so hope she can kiss that goodbye.

it comes out if the estate before anybody gets anything.

I think this all makes sense now. He has seen your lovely home, heard DSD’s expectations (50%) and was going to persuade DH to release some equity whilst he’s alive to fund DSD. Tax efficient, blah blah blah. When you dropped the bombshell that the house wasn’t DH’s to leave, DSD and BF’s dreams went up in smoke and she looked an idiot in front of him.

Next step is bullying and threats to get their way.

Well done OP for calling her out and for DH for backing you up (although a bit more transparency earlier might have avoided this). BF can bugger off - he sounds like a complete slimeball as Ex Wife has seen.

Stay strong and don’t be swayed. You’ve done her a favour really - given her a wake up call and probably called time on that relationship.