DSD’s new partner is now telling DH to get legal advice about our house

[BetLynchsEyes]

I can't believe how quickly my last thread filled up. I woke up to find it at 1000 posts which was a bit of a surprise.

Thank you to those posters who were supportive. It has been a difficult time.

Things have taken a downward turn. I honestly thought this couldn’t get any more ridiculous, but apparently it can.
DH has had another message from DSD early this morning. She said she and her partner have been discussing the situation and have decided they are going to get legal advice. Apparently he thinks the agreement we have in place “might not mean what I think it means” if DH and I ever divorced. Her partner is not a solicitor, by the way. He works in finance, I think. But apparently he “knows enough to know Dad shouldn’t just accept this.”

So now the man who has been in her life for about five minutes is apparently advising her on my marriage, my house and my legal arrangements.

DSD has told DH he needs to get his “own independent legal advice” because she thinks he has been “stitched up.” She also said that if he divorces me, he may be able to get more than his current share and “at least protect something for the future.”

I cannot believe I am typing this. This has gone from a nasty dinner joke to his daughter and her new partner discussing whether my husband should divorce me to improve her future inheritance position.

DH is livid. Properly livid this time. He has replied saying his marriage is not up for discussion, his financial arrangements are not her partner’s business, and if she continues down this road, there will be no conversation until she can speak respectfully.

I feel sick, but also weirdly relieved because at least DH can now see exactly what I have been dealing with. This was never about a joke. It was about entitlement. And now her partner has poured petrol on it.

Surely you’re both about 60? If so he could live another 35+ years !

This spoiled madam is literally banking on her dad dying before she has to get a PROPER JOB! Why is she working part time?

Why is she not trying to shift for herself 🤷‍♀️

Future inheritance discussions should never be entertained. It always turns to shit for the decent parties, and the entitled idiot goes ballistic.

The word entitled describes her perfectly, and luckily in this example she is absolutely NOT entitled to anything unless you or DH decide so.

His comment: “…his marriage is not up for discussion, his financial arrangements are not her partner’s business, and if she continues down this road, there will be no conversation until she can speak respectfully…” sums it up beautifully.

Grabby people like this are quickly cut out of my life.

Concerning the concept with wills of cutting one person out versus others, I read many years ago that that loser can challenge on the basis of receiving nothing, and the sol in that particular case suggested leaving a specific low amount to the loser which clearly demonstrates your wishes, and that you had not simply forgotten them. As if…

who the fuck dos th bf think he is its nothing to do with him-her future? she shouldnt be dreaming up an inheritance out of nothing and telling people about it

why is this generation so bloody entitled

Pray tell, what nuance here casts the daughter as anything other than presumptuous and entitled? What nuance do you consider to be justification for the way she’s treating Op and her father?

No one here is incapable of recognizing where nuance exists, and when it is relevant. What we’re not doing is scrambling around in an attempt to play apologist.

Oh no I just read her boyfriends text. Ha ha what a greedy little prick. urgh. Thank goodness this situation has outed him. He sounds like a self-important deluded controlling bully to say the least. Vomit. Great. hopefully SD will see the real him soon enough. At least you two have.

The unbelievable, unmitigated cheek of him! He is not even in your family, and even if he was he has no right to know anything or see paperwork, and neither has DSD. It literally is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. How dare he think he can demand to see your private financial affairs! I feel so sorry for your DH, but he is right to completely block this arrogant and ignorant bf and give him absolutely zero input.

Are all your legal arrangements absolutely as watertight as you think, OP? It might be worth double-checking.
Not knowing enough about this kind of thig but do wonder -
1.are you joint tenants or tenants-in-common as owners of the house? It makes a big difference when one of you dies. 2. Were you already married? Marriage invalidates earlier wills. 3. The DSD expectations seem to be based on you not being there any more, either through dying or divorce. As you are younger than DH perhaps she wants to split you up and then inherit from him his 50%. 🍀

We absolutely don't need to explain anything further. DH explained the situation to his DD yesterday, so she knows exactly what the details are. She doesn't like it but she does now understand the situation. We don't want to encourage any further discussion.

This reaction is based on disappointment not a lack of understanding.

We're certainly not going to engage with the BF. He will not be invited back into our home. We're both in solid agreement on that.

DH is going to take some time out from the situation and not respond for a while to let things cool down. I have no issue in him having a relationship with his DD but I won't be involved with her going forward. I put up with enough passive aggressive digs from her, I'm not going to put up with aggressive ones now. I'm out.

We are not going to get divorced and we are happy that everything is protected. Although I think DH is going to have a rethink about how he's going to handle his assets.

He's been really shaken up by all this and wants time to think about where his money goes. He has nieces and nephews as well, so may consider changing his will to include additional beneficiaries.

He has provided substantial financial support to his DD throughout her life, up to recently. He's now going to stop this and say she needs to stand on her own two feet.

I suspect he'll email her once he's in a calmer frame of mind to let her know how things are going to be going forward. She probably won't like it but things need to change.

It's outrageous the DSD and her vile BF are asking. But for the sake of protecting her own DC against future trouble and claims by the DSD that OP defrauded, coerced etc her DH and/or that "D"SD is (when the time comes) completely blindsided by he father's lack of assets and wants this assessed (cue tears and blackmail to OP's sons to just hand over cash), making it very clear now, with the involvement of a solicitor, wouldn't be the worst idea. Otherwise, OP's sons will not only be grieving their mother one day, but potentially dealing with a protracted legal dispute that they too are blindsided by. Forearming them with all the facts, and making sure the DSD is not ignorant of the facts, is a good thing in the circumstances.

It would not surprise me if the "D"SD goes after the OP's DC, now that she is having no traction with her father or stepmother.

@BetLynchsEyes can iMask how was the relationship between your dh afd his dd before all of this started? Or even before he got divorced?

The only time I can imagine someone making plans on the death of their parent is when things haven’t been good since like forever. (And even then, they usually 100% prefer NC to death with inheritance)

I agree with many posyers she assumed. Assumed everything was split 50/50, very likely becayse that was the basis for her parents split. It’s very likely she has never heard about buying a house let’s say 70/30 etc….
But to go from that to waiting for the death of her dad….. that’s a big step.

And the bf? Yep 🚩🚩🚩🚩 all over. Likely controlling and with a clear over inflated sense of being better than everyone else (and sense of entitlement).
But, as they dsd seems to have started this fantasy before him, he is probably just feeding that fantasy rather than have created.

fwiw, has your dh has other assets other than his %of the house?
Because both the dsd and the bf are acting as if it was the only asset he has. Which, fir me, is a weird assumption in the first place.

If this bizarre situation is actually happening as told, I would ignore both of them completely in relation to finances and wills. DH should do the same. No other blocking of things, just talk of money, inheritances, tax planning, whatever the F.

Let them know this in no uncertain terms. Follow through. If they raise the subject you both leave the room and go to the pub/shop/shed whatever. I firmly believe that disengaging completely from the issue is the best tactic. But obviously make clear that SD is always welcome etc. even if you don't always feel that way in the moment ha.

Oh dear OP, what an absolute douchecanoe this boyfriend is. I strongly suggest that your DH and his ex employ a private investigator to look into this person. My parents did it when I married my first husband. At the time I thought they were being silly but I was a stupid 17 year old and was sure I was mature enough to know what I was doing, cue hollow laughter! They did find some stuff but nothing that had an impact on me. Luckily. He was an utter wrong 'un though, and your description of the BF is sounding all too familiar.
PS your solicitor should be able to recommend some respectable secret squirrels to do the investigating.

I think she's an entitled little cow for sure! Though I do feel that generally as a society we need to discuss these things more openly with family.

My dad has walked me through his finances and estate, grandads finances and estate so that I understand the situation and i can plan. I am the executor of his will as well as a beneficiary so it's really important I know what's what.

He's kept finances completely separate with his wife and ringfenced everything he owns from her (except for enough to do right by her of course) and her adult kids and she has done the same.

His estate (which will be a significantly large sum) is ours. Not theirs. Hers goes to her kids his goes to me.

I see nothing at all wrong with what you've done OP.

"douchecanoe" oh I love that one! @Andouillette

She probably won't like it but things need to change.

I think it's more like she definitely won't like it!

Your poor DH, this must be so upsetting for him. We are giving our daughter what amounts to a few thousand a year to help keep her head above water as she starts out in life. It's hard for young people these days, especially if they are single. But she doesn't expect it at all and we have a close and loving relationship. We joke about her inheritance, she'll say "don't wear those boots out, I am swiping them when you snuff it," but it is a family joke since she was a young teen. To think your child is looking forward to all the benefits they think your death will bring is just awful.

None of dsd or her partner's business how your assets are split op. I'd be taking the nuclear option. Astonishing behaviour from dsd.

I think it's really awful to allow a spouse to live in the house indefinitely. Much better for house to be sold and proceeds split.

And where does the (presumably elderly) spouse then live?

Now make sure the girl is protected and supported

'Girl'? She is 27 years old. And why should it be the op's responsibility? She has two parents of her own who can do any protecting and supporting that an adult woman needs.

Have people supporting DSD here missed that she is suggesting her father gets divorced so he can give her more money? Delusional and cruel. And also cheating OP’s children of their mother’s money.

It does sound like things could have been more transparent from the start and DH could have made her aware of the financial split - this should have been clear when the divorce/ remarriage happened. I know I would have discussed it with my DC so it was clear about where we all stood. I wonder if DH hasn’t been a bit disingenuous here as he didn’t want to appear ‘lesser’.

Whatever, she has built a fantasy based onOP and DF’s lifestyle and has met a new partner who has bought into this. I would give her some time and space to engage with the new reality. The more she investigates, the more she will find she’s on shaky ground.

She sounds like someone who will value money over relationships and will, I expect, swallow her pride eventually to avoid being completely disinherited. Sadly, if I was OP I would never feel the same about her again and would leave DH and her to forge their own, new relationship.

Good luck OP. I think DSD’s subsequent reactions show you weren’t wrong to challenge her attitude to you both. Doesn’t seem like banter now does it?

Yes this has divided my brothers in law’s family. Dad really needs to be in a care home One sibling wants him to go in one for his own good the other sibling doesn’t as he will have to sell his house which will be his inheritance. The sibling who doesn’t want his house sold is better off financially. But are doing everything they can to make out they are helping him. But all they are really bothered is about how much they will inherit.

I think it was mentioned upthread that the BF was in finance. If correct, he may be a member of a professional body and have to abide by a code of conduct. Perhaps a bit of background checking to see what his reputation in his industry is like would be useful…

As pp have said I think your DH should think about a Clare's law request - particularly as his exDW already had concerns about potentially coercive behaviour.

Quite. My DD is 28 and is buying a house with her DP soon......by working and saving hard! Her father and I have not got the money to fork over deposits for the kids, but she doesnt need that as she is standing on her own two feet, as she should! I couldnt be prouder of her.

Wow she’s an entitled little madam isn’t she? Does she not appreciate that no one, not even your parents are duty bound to leave you anything in a will.

Her dad could gift the lot to charity and she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

She needs to start adulting, and quick. Let’s hope the leach of a boyfriend fucks off when he realises there’s no cash cow in the background…

Wow the new boyfriend getting involved is wild. No wonder your dh is hurt.

Hopefully she sees sense in a few days.

Even if dh did own half he might spend it all before he dies, need it for care fees or leave it to charity. She should never have been relying on inheritance nevermind boasting about it.

What a thread. Sorry OP but it's been a good read! At least you have had your head screwed on. DSD sounds incredibly naive as well as entitled.
Surely she will get some off her mum anyway which is DH share as well before he was left with not so much. It's nothing that her dad has nothing he gave it to her mum and luckily got his feet in with you. Put his bit in and here you are.
Anyway that's sorted miss grabby out. At least your kids won't have to deal with her one day. Entitlement is astounding.