DSD’s new partner is now telling DH to get legal advice about our house

[BetLynchsEyes]

I can't believe how quickly my last thread filled up. I woke up to find it at 1000 posts which was a bit of a surprise.

Thank you to those posters who were supportive. It has been a difficult time.

Things have taken a downward turn. I honestly thought this couldn’t get any more ridiculous, but apparently it can.
DH has had another message from DSD early this morning. She said she and her partner have been discussing the situation and have decided they are going to get legal advice. Apparently he thinks the agreement we have in place “might not mean what I think it means” if DH and I ever divorced. Her partner is not a solicitor, by the way. He works in finance, I think. But apparently he “knows enough to know Dad shouldn’t just accept this.”

So now the man who has been in her life for about five minutes is apparently advising her on my marriage, my house and my legal arrangements.

DSD has told DH he needs to get his “own independent legal advice” because she thinks he has been “stitched up.” She also said that if he divorces me, he may be able to get more than his current share and “at least protect something for the future.”

I cannot believe I am typing this. This has gone from a nasty dinner joke to his daughter and her new partner discussing whether my husband should divorce me to improve her future inheritance position.

DH is livid. Properly livid this time. He has replied saying his marriage is not up for discussion, his financial arrangements are not her partner’s business, and if she continues down this road, there will be no conversation until she can speak respectfully.

I feel sick, but also weirdly relieved because at least DH can now see exactly what I have been dealing with. This was never about a joke. It was about entitlement. And now her partner has poured petrol on it.

The cheek of him! Thinking he can just swan in and pore over your financials!

Blocking is a very good idea indeed.

This is so insane, I actually thought it was a wind up thread for a while.

My parents are wealthy and the most I know about their money is where their wills and financial papers are, and that everything is split equally between me and my sister. I have no idea how much there is, what their assets entail, not even a ballpark figure.

There is no universe in which I would ever demand to see this information. It’s my parents’ private financial information, which I will access if needed to ensure their proper care as they age. Otherwise, not a penny of it is my business until they pass away, which I hope doesn’t happen for at least 25 years.

They have been extremely generous to me over the years, but always on their terms, I’ve never asked for a penny. I appreciate everything they’ve done for me.

I disagree. No offspring needs to know a parent’s financial position nor the provisions of their Will until such time as the parent dies or the offspring becomes Attorney. Until a Will is executed the only person who really needs to know the contents are the Testator and the person drawing up the Will, although often a spouse will know as well.

Financial positions and Wills can change at the drop of a hat. Do you expect these cosy one to ones to take place every week or so if incomes, stocks and shares go up or down, major purchases are made? They are neither vital nor, in my experience, normal.Jokes within loving families are made about the spending of inheritances but this was not the case.

Most people have better things to chat about at Sunday Lunch.

In my experience most parents expect their offspring to take control of their financial futures by the age of 27 but if approached in the right way and are able will help out.

Her fantasies are hers and her boyfriend’s unless her mother or father have been telling her she’ll be a rich little princess when Daddy dies….

Why would you think you are entitled to any information about our marriage or finances? Why would dsd for that matter? She is an adult and responsible for her own finances.

Do not contact my husband again.

How dare the little twunt of a bf think he’s entitled to come and chair some family meeting about your finances like he’s a United Nations envoy. It’s fuck all to do with the step daughter but it’s even less to do with him.

what does he mean there needs to be a plan?

OP, how old (roughly) is your dh and are you much younger? I know you said he’s in fine health but if he’s in his 60s/70s does she just assume he’ll leg it sooner rather than later? Shes obviously envisaging him dying before you.

She has an awfully mercenary attitude to him passing in the future if she’s been boasting about how she’ll be rich. I’m not surprised he’s upset. I was gutted when my dad died, any inheritance was the last thing on my mind.

No chance. They will absolutely try to take photographs so that they can get their legal advice.

I mean next she will be saying that your DH didn't understand the implications of what he was signing.

At this stage, if I was her parent, I would text that I'm taking some time away from this topic and will speak to her face to face alone in a week or two when emotions are not so high. Face to face I would explain how hurtful it is for someone to be planning for your death and their future windfall.

They both sound exceptionally ignorant of how inheritance usually works and that's down to her age.

The SDD sounds very entitled but I'd also be concerned (like her mother is) that she could be heading into a financially abusive relationship.

If I was your DH then I would agree to meet with the boyfriend and make it clear yo him that there will be no money coming their way, not now and not in the future, no ifs no buts and that's because any property of money he fues have when he kicks the bucket is going to an animal charity as that's already in his will. Just to see how long the boyfriend sticks around for! I'd tell the ex wife he was fading this just to see if the boyfriend is a bad un.

I wonder if the ex wife can share her concerns with the daughter or will it not be listened to? Or at least point some things out to give the daughter food for thought.

I think in your DH's shoes, I'd want to say to the boyfriend, "who the fuck do you think you are thinking that you have the right to approach me about MY money?"

That boyfriend is such a bellend, Jesus Christ.

It doesn’t sound like a question of affordability, at least for OP.

The questions are whether a good solicitor can properly intimidate the twat - almost certainly the answer to that is ‘yes’; and can succinctly explainly the relevant finances and no more to SD - again, yes, and here a solicitor has the great advantage of knowing when to shut up, whereas DH may say more than he means to. He will regret it if he does.

I am probably not nearly as rich as OP. I would bring the solicitor and let them do the talking for these reasons.

Much darker than this , it seems ....

I doubt the solicitor will advise letting SD and Twat see papers.

Sounds like DSD has been projecting a fantasy rich girl life on IG etc for so long she's now believing her own lies, BF has fallen for it hook line and sinker..

He believes she was promised a huge sum and has based her life on that promise and thats now been whipped out from under her nose by an evil step-mother...

He has to look like he's her knight in shining armour if he's to get his mitts on all her money so he's showing her he's prepared to ride into battle for her..

I actually think your DH and his ex need to meet with her together and tell her she was never getting X sum, he hasn't got X sum to give, he never had and she needs to grow up and live in the real world.

It won't go down well and I would also cut her off from any further bail outs or financial gifts, if something happens, such gifts COULD demonstrate he was supporting her, she was still dependent and that gives her grounds to contest a will.

That's so cold. Your poor husband.

Does he think he is your manager or something?

Do you really think it’s reasonable for the BF to be part of a meeting at which the personal
financial situation of two people unrelated to him is discussed?? It sounds massively pushy to me. DH and I have been married for 34 years and he’s never made himself part of any discussions my mum wants about future inheritance. And I’ve never participated in anything DH has discussed with his parents. It’s none of our business.

And why does the situation need to be discussed at this stage with the DSD? She’s 27 and so her parents are both likely to be around for a very long time yet. She shouldn’t even be thinking about money she will inherit in a few decades’ time, she should be doing her own financial planning based on what she earns. My DC are a similar age to her and we’ve never discussed amounts. They know that our estate will be split between them but that’s only because we’ve told them, it’s has literally never been raised by them. Added to which, an inheritance is whatever is left over when the person has died…who knows how much of their money will be needed in their lifetime? There may well be nothing left in thirty years’ time so it’s a moot point.

He's sensing his future divorce settlement is being threatened.

He's got SD over a barrel just at the age where there is a lot of pressure to marry and start a family - once he has somebody (another man, obviously) explain painstakingly slowly and clearly that it's not her money and not even her father's, he says 'well, you've misled me, I'm not about to waste my time and genetics as a High Value Male with you and you'll be too old and used to be of any worth to another man' and other such misogynistic claptrap. And he's controlling her phone - he's read the messages, he's taken her father's phone number, he's making contact as though he's the big, worldly wise male gallantly assisting the helpless, unstable female.

Obviously, he doesn't deserve even the slightest acknowledgement from anybody. But maybe bear in mind that once he's moved on to his next prospect, she will be very emotionally vulnerable after a prolonged period of coercive control and negging.

I’m sure he does car for his daughter, but if you RTFT you would see her mother got the house and her father kept his pension.

I know everything I need to about divorce thank you very much, unlike you.

His DH is by no means ‘totally excluded’; jeez, the lack of comprehension you have show is shocking.

Exactly this, the OP’s story could be my own parents, they divorced when I was around 12. The only thing I know about their separation is that my Mum got the house, purely because she still lives in it to this day…..
My Dad remarried 15 years later, sold his house and brought one with my Step Mother.
I have no idea how anything is split, what money went where or what any future inheritance may be…
I don’t want to know, I have my own house and family and was taught from a very early to work and save.
My family certainly don’t discuss each other’s finances around the dinner table 😂

who the fuck does the boyfriend think he is?!

I would just point out these financial points none of their business (especially his) and then block.

what a twat.

Wowzers…I’ve just read through both threads and I’m surprised but also not surprised. I’m dealing with something a little similar in my family - a relative has acquired a new boyfriend who has taken a very close interest in family money and all of a sudden she (the relative) is demanding to see all kinds of things which are honestly none of her business.

I sincerely hope you don’t allow the stepdaughter and tag along boyfriend to see the paperwork. It’s an agreement you both privately entered into of your own free will and it’s none of their business.

I once had a similar text from my relative’s boyfriend (I almost half wondered if it was the same person!!) and my first thought was ‘what has this got to do with you? Nothing!!’ It’s classic ‘triangulation technique’. Daughter can’t get what she wants so she ropes in someone else in the hopes of forming a triangle of people against you. I’m glad your DH is seeing it for what it’s worth.

I think your husband should tell her that she will no longer inherit even his small percentage in your house. Tell her AND put it in writing to her. Recorded delivery.

Of course he doesn't have to go through with disinheriting her. BUT if this leech of a boyfriend knows that there is NO money coming DSD's way, he will detach from her and take his fortune hunting elsewhere.

Once the whole situation has calmed down (months, maybe a year) then your DH and his 'D'D can sit down and he can lay out the actual position. But not until the leech is long gone.

@movinghomeadvice You must live in a vacuum then! My DDs know what are properties are worth! They might not know exact details of pensions snd investments but we have private advisers and they know we give money to offset IHT. They know I have decent jewelry and pretty decent cars in the garage. Most people build up a picture and we believe in openness and honesty. They know our wills and what we have planned. But, we are a united family and we don’t put up financial divisions. The DD seems to think her DF is not being honest and I rather agree. He’s got one hell of a formidable woman calling the shots - I guess his first wife did the same if she got the house. Maybe the DD is concerned her dad is a wuss again?

Tell the pair of them to fuck right off. Why on earth would you entertain this bullshit.

The boyfriend is hilarious.

“If everything is fair and above board, that shouldn’t be an issue. We need to get this cleared up and agree a way forward so everyone is happy”

As if he’s not talking about assets that are entirely someone else’s, and that he’s in a position to negotiate her himself a settlement she’s he’s entitled to. As if she needs to like her father’s finances, and has other any other option here other than to suck it the fuck up.

OP, I wish you and your DH a long and happy life together. If you reach the stage where you need to go into a care home, be sure to sign up to the best one that money can buy! They’re not cheap! Have you both got Lasting Power of Attorney in place for health and welfare and Finance? If not, do it now!