To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

Indeed. Have now read OPs replies.

At her hen do, she asked her mum (in front of everyone) why she had sex with her abusive, unfaithful ex-DH while in the middle of a divorce. When this didn’t even happen. Because OP had sex with him 3 years before the divorce, at the start of his infidelity.

That’s some deep shit to come out with to your mum at your hen do. Then, having opened that Pandora’s Box, when OP tries to talk to her about it later because it (understandably) triggered and upset her, she brushes it off as a bit of fun! Sounds like the DD fleetingly let out her trauma.

But what can OP do? Other than try to get over it. Perhaps by feeling proud she survived the abuse and divorce and raised her DDs so well single-handedly. And by feeling blessed to have healthy, happy DDs and now a GC she helps care for. Sometimes us mums just have to suck up hurt from DC for the sake of our relationship with them. But I’d try another chat at a later date, especially now she’s a mum herself.

Yes, maybe you should get it straight and actually understand the situation before you comment with insulting rubbish. This bears absolutely no resemblance to what OP posted - you’ve made it up. What behaviour should OP be concerned about ? She wasn’t sleeping around with an ‘eight year old in the house’, she was married and DD heard her and her husband - the child’s father - having sex. No parent does that intentionally but it does happen, and it’s hardly psychologically scarring - you get to an age where you realise that your parents are sexual beings and you move past it. And OP has explained the time line - this was well before the marriage fell apart - which was down to an abusive partner. Oh - and the sex toy wasn’t within reach of the child, it was locked away in a safe, to which OP didn’t know DD knew the password.

OP is the injured party here, what is it exactly that you think she should apologise for ?

Quite astonishing hypocrisy from @Muffinmam on this particular thread re damaging a child

if the OP is insistent that her daughter deliberately tried to hurt and humiliate her, and does not accept the daughter’s brushing over of ‘come on it was just banter’ and the OP also cannot let it drop,.. then the OP should be reflecting on WHY she thinks her daughter would do that.

It was in the context of asking OP why she was continuing to have sex with DD’s father in the middle of a divorce, which OP has already explained as not being the case. You really think that in the context of a hen party game in front of a room full of people, this was OK ?

What behaviour would that be ?

Nothing abnormal about it. Perfectly natural in fact. Sex is a very personal thing - what some find pleasurable others don’t. It doesn’t mean it’s in any way deviant if it’s enjoyable to the participant(s).

Nope “. Thoughtless

Prob tipsy. Prob swept up in excitement of hen do and not really thinking straight.

and possibly indicates some serious deep rooted issues about a very dark time in her childhood that the OP basically 🤷‍♀️ oh she’s strong, she’s fine, I’m not worried about that at all

either way - thankfully the op appears to have accepted that “resenting” your child two years is not healthy (understatement) and going to put this to bed

Good call

I think it’s on DD to reflect on why she acted that way to be honest. Commenting so publicly on your own mothers sex life in such a disrespectful way and then dismissing the obvious hurt you’ve caused isn’t the norm at a hen party.

It happened

2 years ago

time to move on and enjoy her grandchild

You got this badly wrong first time round and now you’re doubling down on your lack of comprehension of what OP actually said. And now you have the cheek to criticise OPs grammar as an excuse ? Every other poster on this thread has understood that by textbook bad behaviour, OP was referring to abusive behaviour from her then husband, which eventually led to divorce. Why on earth are you assuming that it was ‘promiscuous behaviour’ on the part of the OP when it was clearly nothing of the sort ?

And where is the confusion you say you are experiencing ? OP wasn’t sleeping around. Her DD heard her and DD’s father having sex one night - OP has explained it was a big house so there was clearly some distance involved, and it was late at night when it’s reasonable to assume your children are asleep. Accusing OP of promiscuity and sleeping around based on absolutely nothing but your own nasty mindedness is possibly the lowest form of misogyny I’ve come across on MN. And that’s saying something. You really should be ashamed of yourself.

Ignore @Muffinmam
has posted time after time after time about her god awful relationship that will be hellish for her child. And to then have the audacity to criticise the OP is just jaw dropping

Nope. Read the updates. They’re perfectly clear. Big house, very late at night and the reasonable assumption that your children would be asleep at that hour. And how is the sex toy accessible when it was locked away in a safe to which OP had no idea DD had the passkey ? You are literally tying yourself up in knots to blame OP for something that isn’t her fault.

@ThreadGuardDog do you have children?

I absolutely agree - it’s not healthy to dwell on this for so long, and OP should try to move past it. But that doesn’t take away from the hurt she felt at the time and reaction from DD when she tried to explain that hurt. But yes, time to put it to bed and move on.

Yes. And not one of them would think of disrespecting me or their father in the way DD disrespected OP. I absolutely agree that there may be some resentment on DD’s part, but at a hen party in response to a question in a party game, in front of a room full of people is not the time to bring it up.

And I’m going to now too and watch The Pitt! 😆

She behaved horribly OP.

She set out to humiliate you and won't apologise.

Its interesting isn't it, if this was someone's MIL or mother that had behaved like this the replies would all be go no contact, but apparently daughters deserve empathy when they behave like abusive twats.

I can understand that some trust was lost here because you want to be able to rely on your nearest and dearest not to embarrass or hurt you, particularly in public. Appreciate you’re a private person as you had a safe, and she would know that about you. I’m assuming this is the bit that hurt you because all kids hear their parents having sex. I’m sure you can move on from this - sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise.

I think people say all sorts during hen do games that they wouldn’t say normally. I wouldn’t lose trust in her it sounds like she was trying to play the game and answer honestly. How boring would it be if she just said no to every question. I’ve heard all sorts of wild things about family and friends on hen dos I’d never repeat everyone knows what happens in Vegas stays in vegas. It’s different if she told Mildred from the Sunday church service you had a dildo but she didn’t it was very in context.

Well maybe it shows people need to get perspective over the mother/mil issues not the other way round

Doesn’t it work both ways, don’t you think she was embarassed by her hearing her parents having sex. Don’t you think she’s hurt by her mother reaction. Doesn’t she matter ?

Also I think your overdramatic summation is characteristic of the issues on here where people sre not allowed to be less than perfect* ot they get characteristised as the worst people ever.

*and by perfect I mean the quasi-victorian ethics that permiate the place