To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

I wouldn’t be happy. Being drunk is never an excuse for appalling behaviour - embarrassing you in front of family about your sex life either your ex is just horrible behaviour.

And asking you why you were having sex?! No. No matter the context no one gets to ask two consensual adults why they’re having sex unless there are serious questions (massive age gap and one barely legal, dubious consent etc) to be asked.

It probably would effect my relationship with my DDs if they did that (far too young now), as I’d assume they had not respect for me and didn’t care for my feelings. That’s quite hard to come back.

I would have owned that and said ‘ just as well you didn’t find everything else’.
i expect there was alcohol at the event and she got a bit carried away.
Just about every parent has sex….

Why are people inviting their Mothers on their Hen do? I didn’t invite my own and of the about six I went to nobody did. Is this a new thing? my mates hen do’s were all 30 years ago.

I would be embarrassed at the time but not resentful now.

I am just amazed you kept a dildo in a safe.

Your dd didn’t do anything wrong - she recounted a cringey moment when she was 8.

In some ways she probably resents you for putting her through that and wanted you to hear it. It obviously left some mark, it’s horrible and grim to hear and see that as a child.

You should’ve laughed it off (for the benefit of the spirit of the evening) and then apologised to her retrospectively. Yes you feel humiliated, but there are two sides to this.

It honestly hasn’t affected our relationship… I haven’t let it. I just find it so disrespectful. I could have easily embarrassed her in return but I would never do that. To anyone. The only change is that I do avoid telling her things that i don’t want her entire social circle to know.

I mean I would be embarrassed but I’m also aware this sort of thing is totally standard for a hen do.

this is why mums and mums in law are often not invited. They’re not tea with the vicar levels of politeness.

I agree with you @BeckyBloom I think it was nasty of her to do this. Hen do questions are meant to be embarrassing for the bride not the mother of the bride.

She was drunk, being cheeky and fun on her hen do. It wasn't being nasty for the sake of it. What she said wouldn't have even embarrassed me if I'd been in your shoes, let alone be dwelling 2 years later.

Forgive, forget, enjoy your daughter again.

I would have found that excruciatingly embarrassing and I would have told her afterwards that it upset me. Then I would just try and forget it (for my own sake).

Those saying it was a bit of fun. That bit of fun was at her own mother’s expense.
So not really funny at all.

This

Of course there are some things you don't say - the couple of things she said about you fall into that category. But she was at her hen do, probably a bit drunk. Probably no one else remembers. You need to move on and forget this - it's certainly not worth risking your relationship with your daughter over this!

Wow I’m shocked at the snotty replies. I’d never embarrass my mum like that, hen party or not!

Haven’t voted because:

• The hen do sounds vile. Who’d even ask that question in front of someone’s parent in a group setting? And what DC would give that reply? You must’ve felt humiliated, disrespected and concerned she’d experienced that at 8 without you being aware. If she wanted to tell you about it, she should’ve done it in private. And she was wrong to brush it off when you tried to talk to her about it afterwards.

• It was two years ago. You can’t go back and change it. Let it go. But you can let her know you feel less trusting of her after she brushed off your concerns about blurting private things out in public. I wouldn’t want to confide in or trust someone like that, who disrespects and minimises my feelings. Hopefully, she’ll mature and you may be able to discuss it at a later date.

This absolutely. I don’t get this tradition of mums/MILs going on hen do’s.

My DD got married 2 years ago and I wasn’t invited to the European 3 night hen do ( my DD knows her DM).

I couldn’t think of anything worse. Little snippets of the weekend were relayed to me. No, no,
no, not for me!

OP, it so sad, you are paying the price. Please try to put it behind you.

Your DD was being insensitive though. Did she invite you or was it just accepted / expected that you would go?

Thank you to everyone for appreciating how I feel, I have tried to let it go and I guess because she is known to be emotionally intelligent I was a bit shocked that it happened.

"It was a hen do"

Amazing that some think this throwaway phrase can excuse literally any behaviour whatsoever, from cheating on the groom to ridiculing family members.

This thread is a low level example, granted, but still amazingly crass to think the brides mother would be comfortable with this.

I dont blame the bride, they are usually falling down drunk, but rather whoever decided to include that question while knowing the mum would be there.

What's the point in putting a dildo in a safe that an 8 year old has the password to?

Unless DD was a genius safe cracker at some point the safe has been treated like a family toy and not as was originally intended - secure storage for items of high importance/privacy that only the adults have access to.

OP you need to let this go. How embarrassing for an 8 year old to hear her mum have sex and finding her mums sex toy. She's doing well to treat that embarrassment with a sense of humour and you should do the same.

Everyone there knows you’ve had sex - the evidence was right in front of them, The vast majority will have dildos and won’t have thought you having one is strange at all. I would honestly been embarrassed too, but tbf, I wouldn’t have put myself into a position of “games” at a hen party. It’s fine to be embarrassed but it’s time to put it down now.

It was her hen do fgs. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone. Having a sex and opening a dildo really shouldn’t be that embarrassing. It was two years ago, get a grip.

But that was the question that was asked - that the mother being laughed at was present is humiliating for her, of course, but any other parents being named in the replies were being mocked too.

How much does it matter that she saw people laughing at the story? If she'd heard of it from someone else later, would it have been any less embarrassing for her?

If this was the most disappointing thing your grown up child has ever done you both live very sheltered lives.

I think you owe it to yourself to let it go now. You are perpetuating your own misery.

Dont blame your daughter, but whoever included the question while knowing you would be there.

Hen dos are very often drunken, licentious affairs where no respect is shown to anyone - which reflects poorly on women - but ultimately this is a small thing.

Put it behind you.

I obviously didn’t know she knew the password !

I don't think it would be that embarrassing for me, but obviously it was for you, and if I were your daughter I would have apologised. However I do agree with pps it has been a long time so probably best to let it go. I'm sure none of the other hens even remember/care (and likely have dildos of their own!)