To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

Stop obsessing over it, then.

Honestly, I really don't know what you want from this thread. Do you actually want people to say 'Yeah, your daughter's a total cow and you're absolutely right to obsess over a drunken indiscretion at her hen do for two years solid and then resent her for it'? Or do you genuinely want to let this go? Because it doesn't sound like the latter to me, and it's beginning to seem increasingly weird. Every time people tell you that this isn't the big deal you think it is, you just argue with them. It's as if you actually want this to be a problem.

OP, if you were magically transported back to that evening, what would you say and do differently?

With the benefit of hindsight what could have led to a different outcome?

well if you call a locked safe “lying around”

It was a hen do so she was probably drunk. I think you need to get over it.

It doesn't sound like the dd was embarrassed. Maybe at the time but she told the OP it was just "banter" and not embarrassing

Holding onto this is unhealthy it was hen banter she obviously feels more relaxed and "one of the girls" with you than you do with her. Move on

Exactly bullseye - fucking is a swear-word, love-making is not. Hence insulting 'fucker'. Can't be more bullseye if you tried.

Thank you to everyone for the insight and the empathy ( some of you!). I didn’t realise I was arguing with posters just trying to put my point of view over as she doesn’t get it. I’ll move on now. Thank you again.

I would never say such things out loud, with my mom present. We talking about a grown adult with a fully formed brain and not a teenager. This was not necessary.

And I mean never in a million years..

Ah, comprehension, it can be so tricky, can't it?

OP was clearly referencing the start of her then-husband's bad behaviour, not her own.

And most of us understand what text book male bad behaviour means.

The OP meant the ex-husband's behaviour.

Almost as if you were intentionally misreading/misrepresenting it.

I find it amazing you were invited to your daughter's hen do in the first place. When our daughter got married (some time ago now) her small hen do was just her and her best friends having a very enjoyable posh tea party. My presence would definitely have been surplus to requirements. 😁

Masterbait is not a swear word....I am sure we could go all day to onamism and fornication but I feel this is ridiculous enough

Apparently she already did that and that's what the daughters joke was about 😂

You are not being unreasonable to be upset. I would be upset too if my daughter embarrassed me like that and then not apologised.

Have you talked about the experiences she shared at the hen do? Perhaps they were traumatic for her?

Personally I don’t see it as bursting it out because it was in the context of a game and she was answering. She invited her mum but obviously misjudged the type of relationship. It’s not the end of the world.

It depends on the place and culture. Hen dos in my country are just an outing or a trip with a few friends, so it wouldn’t be an issue. I still wouldn’t want my mother there, but to fair I want to elope precisely because I don’t want to be catering to other people’s needs.

I think you’re wildly wrong about men though. How many times have we seen posts here about men doing questionable things on stag dos? If anything they’re worse than women when it comes to sex, far more vulgar.

That makes her comments even worse. There was no need to remind you of your abusive past years later in such insensitive way in front of others.
Posters saying she was drunk so it’s okay won’t be saying the same if a man said such things in drunk state. She was 28 not 8.

What’s wrong with people like you fo be so rude to someone feeling a big down.

Looking at the large number of replies the poster has made leads me to conclude that she's looking for justification for her feelings. We can't do that for her, so she needs to just accept how she feels and move on.....

i agree

OP I think it might be worth having a chat with her about her childhood. I am 55 and very strong-minded etc, but I am still resentful about parts of my childhood but my parents are unable to reflect and it makes me resent them, even now they are in their eighties. Be careful

I didn’t say hen dos were vile. I said that one sounded vile.

My opinion. You’re of course entitled to yours.

IMHO why would you ask a question like that? Especially with the mother there. And especially when the ‘hen’s’ parents split up when she was a young child.

And IMHO why would a ‘hen’ answer in that way? But especially with her mum there. And when it’s never been discussed in private and relates to a time her parents’ relationship was breaking down: a deeply personal and traumatic time for the family. Not something to be laughed about in front of people.

I love a bit of dark humour. But personally, I’d never disrespect or embarrass my mum in public like that. Nor would I be happy if my DC blurted something like that out in public for ‘a laugh’. I’d feel blindsided and disrespected. And be worried they’d hung onto that memory since 8 because of how the relationship breakdown must have confused/affected them.

But we’re all different, so you may not mind. I respect that.