To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

Most women? Let us not normalise the abnormal.

YANBU; sounds like you were deeply hurt about the way she spoke about you that night. I totally get it. If I were you, when you two are together and having a lovely/close time, bring it up again. It’s a feeling you still have that’s there, and you have a close relationship but were hurt by it. It’s therefore a legitimate feeling and important to talk about. Tell her how it made you feel, and how it’s changed what you tell her, and about the change in trust. If you say it at the right moment I’m sure she’ll listen and understand how what she said and who she said it to hurt you. I think it’s really important to say otherwise you’ll always sit on it and it’ll change the way you feel about her, whereas it sounds like you have a lovely relationship. You just need to communicate this to her so she can realise it was hurtful. All the best op xx

, you need to teach the teens not to go into your bedside drawer

‘I could have embarrassed her in return’ you’re a parent - you definitely have already embarrassed her that much. Meh. I wouldn’t have liked it either, but it wasn’t done with malice, especially as she didn’t choose to bring it up.

OP, I agree with you. I would have found that very painful and humiliating - and I would have assumed it was said to hurt.

I imagine there was some resentment on her side, lingering from her childhood, even though you sound a great mother.

I would bet that she does know that she shouldn't have said it. It's not just banter. But best to move forward - you can acknowledge the hurt, be more careful with your boundaries than you would have expected to have to be, but still make the most of the relationship you do have.

It feels like she has some resentment about the divorce and your behaviour during that time

did you heartily apologise for the fact she heard you have sex and found your sex toy?

This

OP, I'm not sure all the replies here are from good-faith posters.

You are being completely unreasonable. If you’re so mortified at having been heard at having sex… why do it in such a way that she heard?! And also, if you’re going to own sex toys but be mortified at anyone ever finding them, why bother? I appreciate they were locked in a safe so don’t see you could have hidden them any better (I personally think a safe is way OTT) but honestly… your daughter sounds liberated, fun and very self confident which I’d be proud of. Don’t project your own values or fears on to her.

Those games are notorious for exruciating questions on hen do’s, and everyones appetite for embarassment varies.

???

Op was…

• having sex with her husband (3 years before a divorce)
• had locked away her dildo in a safe so her child couldn’t find it.

why is basic comprehension so difficult for so many on here???

Interesting replies by some posters. It would be a cold day in hell before I deliberately embarrassed my mother and having lived with the Op for 28 years, her daughter would have known this story would have embarrassed her. Nor did I tell ”funny stories“ that would have embarrassed my DC because I can be witty / amusing / interesting without hurting anyone. And to the posters who would disagree with me; the question shouldn’t be whether you would be embarrassed or whether the Op should be embarrassed but whether the Op would be embarrassed. Given the OP’s daughter’s response when it became clear her mother was embarrassed, she clearly lacks empathy.

@Feis123

errrr yes?! The vast majority of women have sex and/or masturbate. It’s the most natural thing in the world

I disagree with you. Your dd raised the divorce at her hen party, despite the fact it had nothing to do with the general conversation.

Agreed

I'm assuming this was in the context of having had a few drinks and playing a silly 'hen do' game etc. So, not a 'questioning' of the mother? Yes, if it was pointed questioning, then it was inappropriate to bring it up in that way. In any case, I would just have a conversation with my daughter and sort it out. My mother tends to sulk rather than having conversations that she finds difficult - and I find that problematic. So perhaps I am coming to this situation from that place.

I would have felt extremely embarrassed and upset and have felt that my daughter was intentionally humiliating me. If she knew that you were upset she should have apologised for getting it wrong and hurting you. I would let go of any resentment now though and try to forget it. Most people will have forgotten all about it and if anyone remembers they will be thinking that she was very tactless .

Why are you so angry. I think most of us can fully understand what the op posted, no one asked you for a summary.

the point remains, she had sex in such a way her young child heard, and if stayed with her and she found her sex toy so clearly was accessible.

See I’d have thought the opposite, I’d think why did she have sex so loudly her kid could hear and why didn’t she make sure she made her sex toy inaccessible and I’d have wanted her to discuss it with her child and apologise for any embarassment or discomfort she caused her when young/

This!!!! The OP's daughter was 8, not 18!!

I’m with you on this @BeckyBloom . She might have meant her original comments on the hen night as “banter” (hate hate hate that word) and not meant to upset you. But you’ve made clear to her that it upset you and she’s being really disrespectful and rude by not taking it on board and apologising for embarrassing you. It doesn’t matter whether or not she thought it was embarrassing, it was for you and she needs to at least accept that.

Are you crazy? Yeah precious and OTT. Be glad she is comfortable to laugh about these things. If this is all then yes you are bonkers to let this affect your relationship.
I am absolutely loving how my relationship with my now grown up DD1 is developing into an adult relationship.
Grow up.

Yes, reading comprehension is very hard for you.

”It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc.”

An analysis of this poorly written paragraph indicates that the OP’s daughter referenced her mother having sex in the middle of a divorce. The OP countered that the sex occurred at the start (of the divorce) and made some reference to text book bad behaviour, staying out etc.

Personally, I have zero idea of what the OP considers textbook behaviour. But I imagine at the start of a divorce she was engaging in promiscuous behaviour and staying out. So my confusion is how is it “bad behaviour” unless you’re sleeping around and bringing men to the home to where your eight year old child sleeps.

Yes, let us normalise perversion! By all means. I hate to disillusion you, but the most natural thing in the world is to have proper sex with your sex partner, not to wank. Correct me if I am wrong, why is the word 'wanker' a swear word? Is it because it is the most natural things in the world?

I suppose it depends whether the daughter heard something that was actually relatively quiet late at night when OP thought she was asleep or whether they were being exceptionally loud and indiscreet. An 8 year old wouldn’t be expected to find something locked in a safe with a code, depends how she knew the code I suppose. I don’t think a public party was the place to discuss it.