Im stuck on what to do.... help?

[Flicitytricity]

I have been part of a walking/hiking group for 6 years now.
There are 8 women in this group, I (thought) I got in well with them all, until a month ago.
We regularly go abroad on holiday together, weekends away etc
One of the group has taken against me, spparantly hasn't liked me ' for years' and cant see a way forward.
She removed herself from our whatsapp group, and although i have tried to contact her to find out what it is I've done wrong, what ive done (inadvertently) to upset her, im getting nowhere.
its caused a bit of drama in the group, we all met for a prearranged walk and she would not even make eye contact with me, let alone exchange pleasantries.
Mid way through the walk she had tears, saying she has had this problem with me for years and felt so lonely within our group, and just felt so bereft.
At the end of the walk, I left, I just felt so awful. I honestly, truly and genuinely do not know what I've done to upset her, but its made life difficult for the others in our little group.
Most seem to be as bewildered as I am, but she is a woman with the best, and most fun personality, so I think others in the group are thinking there MUST be some reason for this.
Im fucking stumped.
Don't want to make this an essay, but I was the main support she had from anyone in the group when her life went tits up a couple of years ago, so this just feels like a punch to the gut.
Im inclined to back off completely, im just not fit for schoolgirl squabbles, but at the same time, im thinking why should I? I've done nothing wrong.
God, this reads like a self indulgent teen drama, I should be way past this, but would appreciate any advice from people who've been through similar.

Believe the rest of the group:

They're all saying to take no notice, she will have to just sort herself out

Don't get Wendied! You've done nothing wrong.

Unless she tells you what you have done to offend her - then you carry on as normal. The group will see she is being daft and she will get pushed out.

Hi @Flicitytricity

I would not be leaving the group just yet. You have at least 2 of the 6 in your corner, possibly others would also agree with you.

She is obviously the one causing the problem, with her ridiculous behaviour.
I would continue going for walks and to the pub etc. Continue to be polite to her. I think others in the group will eventually get fed up with her behaviour and call her out on it.
If that doesn't happen, and it just gets too awkward, then I would call her out myself, in front of them.
I would also express my disappointment that others in the group have not supported you. You've done nothing wrong, you supported her through her bereavement, and she is behaving like a child in refusing to talk about what's wrong despite your best efforts to resolve it.
If you're going to leave the group, don't make it easy for her or them! Go out with a bang and your head held high.

Enjoy your city break holiday.

You need to separate what you are doing from what she is doing. She is causing this drama, not you. Let her leave the group and leave her alone now. If someone else is worried and tries to sort this out with her then fine, but she won't allow you to do anything helpful, so stop. There's no reason for you to leave the group or to feel apologetic.

"To be absolutely fed up with a 'friend' in our group | Mumsnet" https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5500328-to-be-absolutely-fed-up-with-a-friend-in-our-group?postsby=FierceForester90

This is the situation another poster was alluding to. The only connection is hiking.

My money would be on someone (maybe the friends she met when she was supposed to meet you) having told her something untrue about something you have said or done, or her reinterpreting something you did when you supported her, related to the loss of her partner. Because it's much easier to focus your anger at a great loss on the people who are still around. And 18 months is not that long at all in the world of grief for someone that close.

If that's the case, I don't think there's much you can do until she tells someone in your group what it is and then you can deny it/explain it etc. and it may end up blowing over.

She sounds incredibly manipulative. Stand your ground. Don't lose your friend group because of her.

So sorry to read this. I have a slightly different take in case it's useful, but may of course, be wrong. She didn't turn up to your meeting. The thing about meeting a friend there, maybe it's a lie and she forgot experienced huge guilt and anxiously rushed to meet you, but you'd gone. Or maybe she forgot why she was going to the town? The strange manipulative behaviour, the fact her husband died a while back and she's alone. All these could be causes/ traits of dementia. I've had 3 grandparents with dementia and in all, we were confused and upset by their strange behaviour before noticing the memory problems. E.g. my nan was livid at my uncle being late to collect her one day (he was 10 minutes late) and cut off all contact unexpectedly and wouldn't talk about it. A few weeks later, she phoned my mum absolutely inconsolable she was late. My nan was sitting on a chair waiting for my mum with her coat on at 10pm and not 10am the following day. We realised the incident with my uncle she had waited 12 hours. We hadn't noticed any memory problems at all before this. Obviously it may not be the case, but thought this post moght help on the off-chance it is.

This is so bizarre. What an odd way for her to behave. Next time do the walk, go to the pub, and be yourself. A PP advised not to talk about her at all and I agree with that. If someone asks you deflect a bit and say you don’t know.

If you keep showing up being normal the most likely outcome is she’ll get bored and will either stop behaving poorly, or leave the group. She is clearly trying to push you out for some reason. Please don’t let her.

DO NOT LEAVE OP! She's projecting all her problems on you. If there was something real she would have told you and the group. Atleast this way she just looks like the twat that she is.

The only thing I find off with all of this is the fact that you let yourself be treated like shit @Flicitytricity . You were waiting for her and she decided on a whim to see other people and like a doormat you told her to have fun. I would have been livid and told her how disrespectful she is. Your only crime here is being too nice OP. Don't let her push you out of this group.

Is it this post:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5500328-to-be-absolutely-fed-up-with-a-friend-in-our-group

There are a some similarities but no mention from the OP of that thread about her being bereaved and receiving support from the woman she is complaining about. If this thread is about @Flicitytricity the main gripe from the OP of that thread is about this woman constantly cadging lifts. She ended up being removed from their WhatsApp group. I don't think it's the same group but there are some similarities in relation to the dates:

'I am friends with a group of wonderful ladies who have all known each other for 6 years now, We met through a shared love of hiking and try to go every couple of weekends and also have a couple of overnight trips through the year.'

However, the problematic member of the group, 'Susan', only joined a couple of years ago and OP has been a member of the group from the beginning, six years ago.

FGS, don’t let her push you out! Stop agonising over her behaviour, stop greeting her, stop not going to the pub. Ignore her. If she pulls that crying trick again, call her out in front of the group: “Jane, I know you’re embarrassed about not turning up for our meet-up but stop trying to make me out to be the bad guy when we all know it was you. I know things have been very hard for you in the last 18 months but this silliness is helping nobody. Maybe it would be best if you skip these walks for a while until you feel more yourself”.

Can you not see she’s trying to push you out of the group due to her own embarrassment? Call her out and stand firm.

Don’t pull back from the group. Push forward. The other lady has a problem, not you. Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to be alienated from a group you enjoy and from people you like.

She behaved hideously badly (standing you up, no contact), offered an olive branch (meeting up for tea) that you refused, and you called out her behaviour in your follow-up message to her "Must admit I was a bit peeved, but got over myself quickly enough after a quick fish and chips😆".

I think she was embarrassed about her behaviour, hoped it would all be smoothed over with her offer of meeting at teatime, where she'd planned an over-the-top fulsome apology explaining that these were friends of her dead ex-partner which threw her back into the grief (or some other excuse) and she'd envisaged you giving her the support and attention you always have. But you then snubbed her offer, sent a slightly superior "acceptance of non-apology' text, and because she doesn't like the feeling of guilt, she's twisting it to make you the one who has done wrong, so her anger can displace the shame.

I don’t think that the story of bumping into someone else and going for lunch with them is true.

When she didn’t meet you, did you just go window shopping? You didn’t call or text anyone else to moan about the situation? Or speak to anyone in any shops about her? She can’t have arrived and overheard something negative and then left? Or received a text you meant to send to someone else?

If not, I think that you’re missing a puzzle piece here which is making her attack to defend. Something embarrassing which would have meant that she couldn’t meet you and which it’s preferable for other people to think she dislikes you over knowing the truth. Drinking problems, drug problems, memory problems, mental health issue, affair with someone’s husband etc.

Enjoy your trip away! When you get back, organize a walk yourself and invite the participants of the WhatsApp group. By virtue of the fact that the lady isn't on there, she won't see the invitation

Wow you sound like a pushover. Why are you trying to be nice to someone who is treating you so badly. She sounds manipulative and nasty. Find a backbone, find your anger and let her leave the group if she can't be in the same room as you. I don't see why you have to since it's her problem not yours.

That was absolutely dreadful behaviour on her part. That is so rude. And also weird - if she’d had a problem with you for years why would she arrange a walk just with you?

I hope you told the rest of the group about this incident. They need to realise it’s her being weird not you.

Is she in. Love with you or something? Very weird behaviour. I think you are being far too nice though. If she wants to make the atmosphere weird that's on her. You just crack on and try not to give her the headspace. You enjoy this group. Carry on. Otherwise she wins and gets to set the narrative.

Definitely do not leave the group or pull away, you have done nothing wrong, don’t let her push you out.

I must admit I’m slightly surprised at your friends, I’d be asking some questions or telling her to get over herself. If she’s got a problem she won’t share that’s causing an atmosphere for everyone then surely they’d want that sorting?!

I've just been catching up on this thread today. It sounds crazy but I could have written the exact same post about 8 years ago!

So much that I'm wondering if it could be the same person, except that she didn't have a partner at the time and don't think she had in the few years after (but I could be wrong ).

We met through a Meetup hiking group and formed a friendship with 1 another girl. The 3 of us started organising hikes on our own, dinners in town etc, as well as joining Meetups hikes and weekends together.

Then after a year or so, I did something wrong (but I know what it was: I offered to bring homemade snacks for the group...). She turned on me on that weekend, struggled to even speak to me, left early (stranding us in Wales in the process!) and never responded to my messages again. She stopped joining the Meetup events I went to so i haven't seen her since.

Even if I could understand that for some reason she disliked my proposal, her reaction was very extreme and no one really understood what happened.

Ask you 'what the fuck is wrong? Out with it' in front of everyone in the group. But be prepared to hear all sorts. Clear the air and take it from there.

She just wants to control. It’s a nasty power play. Don’t feed it.

if I were you I’d just keep showing up and be pleasant and never ever ask her again what if done wrong (because you haven’t done anything wrong and she’s using that to feed her sense of control of you).

She’s behaving very badly.

The whole group should show a little backbone in not pandering to it whatsoever and taking the stance you’ve done nothing wrong.

Her fairly recent bereavement may be why you are all handling her with kid gloves despite her obnoxious behaviour.

Please continue going to the group but don’t upset yourself further trying to talk to her. It’s her issue not yours. If you withdrew from the group she would just engineer another drama with someone else so keep going & hold your head up high.

I’d put this in the same category as bullying. Her behaviour is unacceptable and everybody needs to stop pandering to it. She doesn’t have to like you but then it’s very unfair for her to continue showing up, being openly being rude to you and excluding you, for no valid reason. Or a reason she’s made up in her head and doesn’t want to share. I’d have flipped my lid by now. What a nasty woman. I’m glad everyone else can see what she’s doing although it’s a shame they’re just accepting it and allowing it to continue.