Im stuck on what to do.... help?

[Flicitytricity]

I have been part of a walking/hiking group for 6 years now.
There are 8 women in this group, I (thought) I got in well with them all, until a month ago.
We regularly go abroad on holiday together, weekends away etc
One of the group has taken against me, spparantly hasn't liked me ' for years' and cant see a way forward.
She removed herself from our whatsapp group, and although i have tried to contact her to find out what it is I've done wrong, what ive done (inadvertently) to upset her, im getting nowhere.
its caused a bit of drama in the group, we all met for a prearranged walk and she would not even make eye contact with me, let alone exchange pleasantries.
Mid way through the walk she had tears, saying she has had this problem with me for years and felt so lonely within our group, and just felt so bereft.
At the end of the walk, I left, I just felt so awful. I honestly, truly and genuinely do not know what I've done to upset her, but its made life difficult for the others in our little group.
Most seem to be as bewildered as I am, but she is a woman with the best, and most fun personality, so I think others in the group are thinking there MUST be some reason for this.
Im fucking stumped.
Don't want to make this an essay, but I was the main support she had from anyone in the group when her life went tits up a couple of years ago, so this just feels like a punch to the gut.
Im inclined to back off completely, im just not fit for schoolgirl squabbles, but at the same time, im thinking why should I? I've done nothing wrong.
God, this reads like a self indulgent teen drama, I should be way past this, but would appreciate any advice from people who've been through similar.

Ah, shame you didn't go to the pub, they clearly wanted you there. I think not joining them makes it more awkward not less.

Yeah I agree keep going, don't let her push you out, just ignore it.

In this scenario, if she said she didn't think it was possible to be pleasant in the group, I would say "Jane can you please tell me why, we can't fix anything if you can't say what the issue is." And if she still couldn't I'd ignore the misery and just get on with the rest of the group. It doesn't sound like they'd miss her at this point, she's being incredibly passive aggressive.

I think if she can't be civil it's inappropriate for her to continue as a member of ghe group in a group setting and that would be my comment if she's rude again.

Is it possible she is embarrassed that she stood you up and is now trying to put the blame on you so as she doesn’t have to address her rudeness.

Exactly what I thought. She embarrassed and making the op the scapegoat.

She wants to oust you

Don't let her

Its nice youve had messages of support and well done for going! Im not sure Id have fancied the pub either after that, but at least she knows you're not going to just roll over a disappear. She's basically dug herself into a massive hole and can't get out of it, without admitting shes handled it like a buffoon.

The only thing I can imagine to have triggered this, is whether you inadvertently said something she's taken the wrong way. But, as we know, No1 rule of being a grown up is to communicate your issues without drama! She's neither communicating nor minimising drama!

Have a lovely mini break, but definitely keep going when you get back!

Frankly , she’s behaving very badly and obviously hoping to oust you . Next time you see her you need to be upfront and actually say to her that other group members have expressed to you that the group now feels awkward and they want normality back , tell her that as you don’t know what the issue is you can’t even try to fix it but if she isn’t prepared to then she needs to either not come when you are there or at least behave more civilly because it’s not fair on the others . Make it absolutely clear that you are not leaving . This is not your fault

Carry on going to all walks, don’t let her bully you out of the group.

as for what’s going on it must be connected to whoever she met that day when she was supposed to be seeing you, who did she say it was? Is it someone else who knows you?

The others only went for the drink to find out what happened. Hopefully they will come to the same conclusion we all have. She is trying to oust you. It’s not going to work though as the others like you.

she sounds like a right bully who wants to get her way. Would a nice friend act like that? No. She is an asshole.

hopefully others spoke to her in the pub in your absence and tried to get to the bottom of this nonsense.

if shes just embarrassed she will keep up the “i dont want to talk about it” line as there actually is nothing to talk about.

Good that you decided to go, I think a good outcome for you but a shame overall for the group. Just do your thing and stay in the group. Many threads on here on how hard it is to find or make friends later in life and looks like you have a great group and a good activity in the mix and hold on to it.

You are clearly a much nicer person than me OP but hell would freeze over before I’d give up my group.

I would be resolutely charming and polite to everyone while making sure to politely (but stealthily( avoid eye contact with her.

This is supper tough OP, I'm sorry you are in this position. it feels petty and childish but it is terribly stressful. I have a similar issue with my SIL who stopped speaking to me over I'm not quite sure what but i think she had stored up her beefs with me in the 6 years I've known her as i as unsure what i've done. So I can relate when you are questioning yourself and the self examination. Agree with a previous poster who advised open communication with her saying you are there to listen if and when she's ready to speak to you about her issue, and screenshot and share with the group. May feel abit like airing dirty laundry but it is honest, open and respectful but demonstrates you are trying to address the problem that isn't your problem. You sound a kind and empathic person, hurt that she hasn't been able to address her problem and move on or just let it go and move on. Your feelings and the way this has made you feel are valid too.

i may be wrong but I think she is just getting oxygen from all the attention this silly drama is causing.
You’ve offered so many opportunities and Olive branches now and she still won’t say what the problem is
I would carry on with your group they obviously like you and don’t want you to leave and don’t give her any more attention just turn up carry on as before don’t not go to the pub or anywhere else if everyone is going and completely blank her
it doesn’t look like anyone else is going to be drawn into her shenanigans.
She’ll soon get tired of it when she’s not getting the attention she wants .
Its sad about her husband but that doesn’t mean she can make your life miserable.

I would have the group together and confront her , ALL of you . Each person could say how they feel in the present atmosphere and they want out sorted right now . She will have to say what her problem is and if she doesn't the group will know she has manufactured bullshit and upset the applecart for attention . Has she got a drinking problem ?

Keep going to the group, don't mention it again. There's no point asking again for her to explain as you've asked her so many times. Be nice to her and shrug your shoulders if she ignores you, water off a duck's back. Try not to let it upset you.

She’s displaying very manipulative behaviour.
Stop trying to please her.
Be polite in her presence but keep all interactions to a minimum.
Don't talk about her to others- give her nothing she can use against you.
Shes clearly got major issues.

Oh @Flicitytricity that’s really shitty behaviour on her part, especially as you’ve been such a good friend & support through her recent bereavement. You only need take a look at some of the threads on here to know that people find whole circles of friends disappear when a spouse dies. You’re the kind of friend we all hope for!
As to her ‘problem’ with you, as soon as I read about the ‘missed’ walk with you, I was like aha! I agree with the other posters - this is where it will stem from & it comes down to her not wanting to lose face with the group. She’s so concerned about her own reputation that she’ll happily trample all over your’s instead, & bugger the consequences for you. Please keep going to your lovely walking group as it sounds like you’re well liked & a valuable part of the crowd. If she sees that people aren’t biting, & that you’re happy & content with no issue with her, she’ll soon back off. Annoyingly she’ll probably make out there was no issue in the first place & not have the faintest idea what made you think that! 💐

I have a slightly different response to everyone's suggestions.

I wouldn't want to be in a group which was so in thrall to this woman. I was once in a group like this, and it's absolutely Queen Bee syndrome, and even though I liked some of the rest of the group, the fact that they couldn't see it for what it was, and just limply put up with her shenanigans, put me off them as friends.

My good friends know who I am and how I behave and would not allow someone to be mean about me or to me like this.

I would remove myself from the group on the basis that I don't need to go walking to be dissed by this woman and have everyone go for drinks with her, I'd rather go home and sit with my cat than endure that nonsense.

You sound like such a mature, fab and empathic person, OP, you have been a good friend to her during her loss, and she's obviously got issues if she's dumping you on meetups for 'old friends' when you are also a good old friend. I wouldn't accept being cancelled once you had already set off. The fact that she thought she could just say 'I'll see you several hours later, as I met someone better' is so insulting. I wouldn't have even included her in a nice WhatsApp the next day.

I wouldn't bother speaking to her, catching her eye, pleading with her to behave better; clearly, she's getting something out of causing this rift, and she's going to carry on. Even if she had a problem with you, she could just quietly remove herself from the group, or speak with you privately- she likes the whole drama and is going for drinks afterwards to bitch about you, otherwise she would tactfully go home!

Read 'Let Them', the book, and contemplate how to let her behave how she wants (rudely, not gratefully) and then let you think about what behaviour you need from your own friends, the fact they didn't have my back and just wanted to pander to her would make me think they are nice, but not ultimately your 'ride or die' friends, which you were for her in her hour of need but they are not for you. I can tell you are too nice, OP, which is why she's walking on you.

I'd arrange some one on ones with the friends you get on with best out of the group and accept the group in its current form is no longer functioning.

Im sorry that must be awful!
So, she has said she's "had a problem with you for years" but wont say what the problem is and is sending you to coventry like a yr 8 playground bully ?
Considering the whole picture you have given here and your efforts to resolve have fallen on stony ground, I would find another walking group and let your existing group know why.

If I were in this group I’d be fed up of the dramatics. Hasn't liked you for literal years, but this was a secret to everyone (including herself, apparently) until she stood you up an hour away because she met some random other and decided she’d go for lunch with them instead of the person she’d driven an hour to meet? Now can’t even be civil, but instead is weeping and wailing and creating an unpleasant atmosphere in the hope that you will leave the group?

Absolutely batshit. No way would I put up with it. “Jane, you’ve always got on with @Flicitytricity so what’s happened? Oh well if you can’t tell us maybe it’s best if you don’t come on days she’s with us. Or do come, but at least be civil.”

It sounds as if this trip with the two of you was the catalyst for such horrible behaviour, and I imagine it’s because she knows she was a dick that day, not letting you know she’d had a better offer. She’s ashamed or embarrassed and wants you to be the one who’s in the wrong.

Honestly, I'm disappointed in your other friends. Who just stands there and watches someone behave like that and doesn't call them out?

Why don't you provide the link then so that we can judge for ourselves?

So sorry this is happening to you. I'm a pretty easygoing person and never thought I would fall out with anyone, so I know it's a shock when someone chooses to fall out with you and there's nothing you can do about it. Good luck - I hope that the group supports you.